Tetherd Cow Ahead

Well, as noted in the Comments on the Yuliya post, my Russian friend was very eager to get back in touch. I received her delightful correspondence within hours of firing off my reply:

Hello my dear friend Anaglyph!!!

Thanks a lot for your answer. I’m really happy. Well, I guess, my letter was a bit unexpected for you and maybe you were surprised. Frankly speaking for me all this is extraordinary, it is the first time I’ve come to the Internet cafe and used the Internet to meet a man. Well, I’m a little confused and even do not know what to start with.

As I have already said I’ve never used this means of communication before. When I saw your profile, I decided to write you as you are a handsome man. But I really didn’t expect that you would answer.
And now a few words about me. Well, my name is Yuliya, it is my full name, but my friends call me just Yulya. They say I’m a kind and generous person. I’m also a religious woman and go to church regularly. As you know, I’m 32. I used to be married but my husband died 3 years ago and now I live just with my dad. I’m quite a tall woman (170 sm) and weighs 55 kg. I was born on the first of June, 1976. I am Twins. And as it is the beginning of summer, I like when it is warm outside and all is green.
My favourite colour is red. I like tulips very much. These flowers are associated with spring and sun. They usually bloom in March. Like many women I also like roses.

I can call myself a backwoodsman as I was born in a far away Russian city Murom. To be more exact in a village nearby but after some time my parents decided to move to the city. After finishing the school I studied in State Pedagogical University at the faculty of History. At first I worked as a teacher in a school but for the last 4 years I’ve been working in a library. Though I do not earn a lot, I enjoy this job greatly. Sometimes I’ve got a chance to have some extra work, e.g. give some private lessons at home, and prepare students to exams and entering to some Institutions. However it is quite hard to combine all this as I work 5-6 days a week and from time to time I have to take some work home. Besides we’ve got a lot of extra events at work such as exhibitions, open classes, meeting with writers, poets and painters.

Well, I hope you are not bored reading all this. What else can I tell you?

As for my hobbies I’m fond of cooking very much. I’m really good at it and can imagine a great number of recipes. It is only necessary to have some free time, a lot of products and then I can cook a magnificent meal.

Well, I guess that is all in short. It is a very serious step in my life as I decided to get acquainted with a man, write him first and do all this with the help of the Internet. I just wanted to find my good fortune here. Anyway nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I just want you to know that I’m a very serious person and I’m not playing any games. I’m an educated middle aged woman and want to find a real man. It doesn’t matter how old he is, whether he is rich or not, the most important thing is to love and respect each other and all left can be gained together. Besides that is not important where he lives as I will come to him anywhere if I feel that he really needs me. However I’ve never been to other countries but do believe there can’t be any obstacles for a real love. Maybe I’m naive and still believe in love. But I am sure I’ll be happy.

Dear, Anaglyph I will look forward to getting your letter. Could you write me about yourself, your family, traditions, where you live, what countries you visited and what you know about Russia.

So, wish you all the best.
Take care.
Regards, your new friend from Russia, Yulya!

I replied post haste, this time in English. Let’s see if I can get her to actually read my letter, rather than fob me off with another generic reply:

Hello Gorgeous Yuliya!

May I call you Yulya at this early stage? I don’t want to get too personal, but even though I don’t know you well I feel already that we might become very good friends!

Yulya, your prompt reply made my heart leap! I thought that when I sent off my letter I might never hear from you again, since that has often been the way in my dealings with women. Imagine my surprise to find your letter and three photos when I checked my mail this morning. I must say, you are a very attractive woman, and do not look at all like you could be 32 years of age!

I am very interested to hear that you are a twin. I wonder if you have a picture of yourself and your sibling. Are you both girls, or is your twin a brother? Does your twin like double jokes, since you yourself do not seem so keen on them?

Yulya, I am concerned that you did not respond to my questions about humour in my other letter – did you like my joke? I wonder if it translates the same into Russian? Do they have Buddhism in Murom? Do they have hotdogs in Murom?

I am very pleased to hear that you attend church regularly. As you know, I am a Reverend at the Church of the Tetherd Cow and I have told my congregation about you. They are all very excited that I have found a new friend from Russia. It all seems so foreign to us! They are also very eager to hear more news from Murom.

Today was a great day for me Yulya – I received a telephone call from my agent in Argentina who says that the demand for chupacabras is very high at the moment, in spite of the global financial problems. He expects that I should be able to send two shipments from my farm in Ireland this year – that should mean a very good profit for my company!

I loved seeing your pictures and would like to see more! I have included some pictures of me this time – there is one of me on my farm (chupacabras in background – yes, I am very brave to be so close!).

I have also sent you a couple of other pictures of me, all taken this year (I guess you have seen some of them on my profile).

Don’t worry about the other people in the photographs – they are very dishonest people who have been quite hurtful to me in this last year. That is a part of my life that I don’t want to think about too much now, so I won’t go into that. Let’s just say that that these people have cheated me out of a large amount of money and that I expect it to be returned soon when the trial finishes.

Well Yulya, I had best finish up for the moment. I need to go out on the farm and feed some babies to the chupacabras. It’s very hard work, but it pays well, so I don’t complain. I hope this finds you well, and I would love to hear more about you and all parts of your life.

Your new friend
Reverend Anaglyph
Church of the Tetherd Cow

PS – You asked what I know about Russia, and I have to say ‘Not very much!’ As you know, I was quite surprised to read your email, not having actually written to anyone in Russia.

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Just in case anyone is concerned that ‘Yuliya’ is a real person, let me assure you that she is not. The address that she first contacted me on is one of my public email addresses that is spammed about three or four hundred times a day. ‘Yuliya’s’ letter is only one of dozens like this that I’ve read. At the very least ‘she’ is being duplicitous (she never ‘saw my profile’ anywhere, nor got my email address through any legitimate channels), and I fully expect her to ask me for money in one or two emails. I detest scammers and fraudsters of all breeds, so I have no compunction making her the butt of Cow humour.

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