Spam Observations #12

My recent email has been filled with sperm. Lots of it. Gallons and gallons and gallons. People want to sell me a product called SPUR-M which will apparently increase my sperm quantities to industrial manufacturing levels. Consider these testimonials sent to me by Raymundo (I can’t help but wonder if it’s the same Raymundo who wrote to me once before?):

Satisfied Customers Testimonials

Jimmy —- 47, Male, UK
What you claim is wrong. My sperm volume didn’t
increase by 500%. It increased by a ZILLION %

Wow. A ZILLION %. Let me get out my calculator. Now, a zillion percent would be more than a million, for sure, and more than a billion. Obviously more than a trillion. A trillion has 12 zeroes so let’s give a zillion 13 zeroes for good measure (keep in mind it’s probably more than that). The average quantity of human ejaculate is something around 3ml so punching in the numbers that’s somewhere in the vicinity of 300,000,000 litres. Three hundred million litres of sperm. A 25 metre swimming pool holds about three hundred thousand litres. I sure hope Jimmy doesn’t move in next door to me.

Sharon — Female, UK
My husband decided to try SPUR-M, and the results
are great! I just love it when it starts spurting out

Note that Sharon says she loves it when it starts spurting out. Ten minutes and two thousand litres later, she’s starting to worry about the drapes.

Jose — 29, Male, USA
I cannot believe how good my semen has become. It is
a thick blob that shoots like a rocket. My wife says
she can feel the force with which my semen hits her
inside, which earlier she couldn’t even feel.

I bet she can Jose. The image of rioters being held at bay with a firehose springs alarmingly to mind.

Michael — 41, Male, Hong Kong
I always dreamt of shooting like a porn star and I
can do it now, my girl cannot eat as much as I can shoot.

I am SO not surprised Michael. Even on an empty stomach, that’s a big ask. By the by, is this a common dream, to “shoot like a porn star”? Do other guys have this dream?

“My wife and I had been looking for a product to help
with boosting male fertility. I am happy to say that
test results have improved in the time I have been
using Spur-M (2 months). Thank you for your assistance,
and for the supply of Spur-M”
M. Rosenberg, NYC, USA

Fertility? My God, with those quantities of sperm, M. Rosenberg will be fertilizing every woman on the planet, whether she wants it or not. Girls, hop to! Get your diaphragms and IUDs fitted snugly. M. Rosenberg might be on the job tonight!