Thu 7 Aug 2008
Whistle While You Lurk
Posted by anaglyph under Australiana, Hmmm..., Ooky, Scary
[10] Comments
Excellent! Some sad, unemployed thoughtful soul has hand-delivered me one of those bizarre catalogues of cheap knick-knacks of which I am so fond (long-time Cow Readers may recall past musing on such must-have items as the Leopard Print Toilet Seat and the Portable Plasma™ Globe from the awesome Innovations people). Today, I present for your scrutiny, from the Penny Miller Catalogue, The Cheeky Whistling Gnome.
Most people, when conjuring up a mental picture of Hell, imagine a place of molten lava with sulphurous flames and black oily smoke, populated by demons with pitchforks.* For my own part, I see myself arriving on the doorstep of Hell to be greeted by a Cheeky Whistling Gnome and ushered into a suburban house comprehensively decorated with useless bric-a-brac from Penny Miller. Thence I expect to be introduced to some irksome proponent of Intelligent Design who will regale me for all eternity with a diatribe of smug ‘we-told-you-so’s‘.†
But I digress: now for a mere $19.90, you too can have a door-stop gnome that will almost certainly propel your visiting friends into a state of near psychosis by assailing them with a cheeky/bold/naughty whissstle every time they approach your house. Somehow, this very same whissstle will also magically ‘deter’ intruders. Unwanted intruders, at least. Wanted intruders will be OK.‡
In addition, you may ‘Delightfully surprise your guests while allowing this cheeky gnome to greet them…’ I’ll accept suggestions for what sort of delightful surprise you might spring on visitors while they’re distracted by the warbling garden ornament.
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*Now where, do you suppose, that the idea of little red devils with pitchforks ever came from?
†No, Mr Creationist Visitor – I don’t really expect this to happen. This is a literary invention, offered here for the purposes of humour.
‡It strikes me that this gnome is MUCH scarier than this gnome…
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10 Responses to “ Whistle While You Lurk ”
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[…] I posted about the unique Cheeky Whissstling Gnome a little while back, I know that you’ve all been yearning for more treats from the wondrous […]
Having one of these at the door would only repel the wanted. All the unwanted types would come intruder window…
After reading this, and the thing on the other gnome, you really must be pun-ished. And you’re making other people do it, too.
Puns and limericks :-(
I’ve got your number reverend
I’ll take 3 please.
I have a lot of unwanted people in my neighborhood.
Do they come with life-like chewing/biting action?
the Chewing Gnome sounds scary, but it’s the Laughing Gnome I fear most.
JR: Oh no! It’s too early in the morning.
Silverstar98121: I have NO control over my flock. Even fear of harsh words doesn’t stop them.
Nurse Myra: Only high quality litritcha here on The Cow!
MI: That’s the ‘Barbarella’ model. I don’t think they’re quite out of beta.
Cissy Strutt: Beware the lure of the gnome. We can’t all be heroes in our golden years.
One more question then:
Can we get a bulk discount?
Gnomes actually guard the gates of hell.
I was afraid of that.