#1: How to Make Your Very Own Pepper Spray

Step1: Grab a handful of birdseye chillies.

A Picture of Chillies

Step 2: Stick them in a blender with a pint of water and let fly.

Step 3: Strain the resulting striking red-coloured fluid into a spray bottle.

Chillies ina Blender

DO NOT INHALE at any time during the above process. You will be mighty sorry if you do.

Yes, yes, I can hear you all clamouring to know exactly why I’m doing this, in contravention of the Geneva Convention and at the probable risk of being arrested under the Anti-Terrorism Act. Who is this enemy on which the genial and good-natured Reverend would wish to inflict some kind of biological napalmic hell?

Snails.

A Munched Leaf

Bastards.