The Parable of the Man Who Didn’t Read His Parables

Spam Observations #32

David Ellis wrote to me this morning with his sad story:

My name is DAVID ELLIS of United Kingdom,I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

It has defiled all forms of medical treatment? That’s some disgusting cancer.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.

Well, now see, that’s an old story Dave. You’re not the first to have that particular light bulb come on way too late. You obviously weren’t paying attention in Bible Class.

I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.

Gee, and it’s gonna be a real bummer if you don’t get a second chance because, for instance, there is no God.

Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.

Uh huh.

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity organizations,

Ever heard the expression ‘Closing the gate after the horse has bolted’? Oh, I forget – Christianity, quite mind-bogglingly, allows that particular about-face.

as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Somalia and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them. The last of my money which no one knows of is the cash deposit of Four Million,Five Hundred thousand Great British Pounds Sterling Only that I have with a finance institution in UK. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and despatch it to charity organizations. I have set aside 20% for you and for your time.

OK, let’s just recap there Dave. Your family has pinched the piles of cash that you set aside to help charities, so understandably you don’t trust them. However, your solution to this is to offer the money for safekeeping to me, a complete stranger picked at random on the internet. Now, exactly how is it that you got to be wealthy? Evidently not through cunning investment strategies.

A few things: 20% of Â£4.5 million by my calculation is Â£900,000. Dave, I hate to break it to you, but in the world of online money-shuffling schemes this is kinda peanuts. Prince Mike Okoye from Nigeria offered me $27 million last week to mind money for him, and Mr. Maraa Massaquoe from Sierra Leone suggested I might like to have $35 million of his generous fortune for my trouble. I know you’ve got a repulsive cancer and all, but really, it hardly seems worth my time.

Even the GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTERY for which I didn’t have to do a thing, gave me a larger swag of cash (yeah, OK, so I’m still waiting for the cheque, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re not going to pay up that fast either).

Please send your reply to God be with you. DAVID ELLIS

Er. I don’t quite understand. Am I sending my reply to God or you? I guess God is probably a better option, since you don’t sound like you’re in for the long haul.

Now excuse me Dave, I’d like to stay and chat all day, but there’s work to be done. Chief Oyinbolowo Eko from Zimbabwe has promised me $21 million if I can get his camel through the eye of a needle.

It seems like a safer bet than trying to help you get into the Kingdom of Heaven.

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Don’t forget the ‘Insincerity‘ launch – October 31st!