Well, my birthday is nigh and Nurse Myra certainly knows the way to a young blogger’s heart. Yesterday she gave me a copy of the Innovations Christmas Catalogue. I am not entirely sure if it is my present, or if I am supposed to choose my present from the vast possibilities contained therein. It’s a win/win situation. It’s going to keep me supplied with blogging material for months. Crikey, where do I start? Maybe here:

This object doesn’t actually have a name (missed opportunity, or what!) but this is what the catologue promises:

Feel your tension drift away – total relaxation at your bedside!

Let the sounds of nature soothe you to sleep or aid your meditation. This beautiful relaxation centre reproduces 8 realistic sounds including a running stream, rainforest and songbird. It casts a beautiful, changing light through the crystal ball, and you can use it with aromatherapy beads (supplied). Measuring 21 x 15 x 15 cm with a 10cm glass sphere, it is powered by a mains adaptor (included). The sound and light will turn off automatically, so it’s perfect for bed time.

Man, I want this relaxation centre so badly. It’s a work of genius: light, sound and smell all in one neat unit.

Think of the sensory experience available at the push of a button! There’s Ocean Waves – imagine: the warm light of sun through your closed eyelids, the soothing sound of the surf and the scent – courtesy of the aromatherapy beads (supplied) – of the salty spray from the sea. Or Rainforest: dappled sunlight through the leaves, the smell of damp warm leaf mulch and the sound of monkeys screeching in the canopy high above. Or the enigmatically suggested Rural Sounds: the flickering light of flame from an autumn bonfire, the restful tones of tractors and hay-bailing machines with occasional pig squeals, and the nostalgic aroma of cow manure and superphosphate. And we shouldn’t forget Summer Nights: the strobing of police lights in the street outside, the distant doof-doof-doof of the house down the road where all the teenagers live and the cheap perfume from the hooker who’s set up shop in front of your house.

Genius, I tell you.

And the Innovations people have helpfully added advice for any unimaginative browser who might think “What the hell would I do with one of those?”: Give it to someone as a gift! Now there’s something you’d never have thought up yourself!

You guys just wait till you see the leopard-print toilet seat.