Thu 7 Sep 2006
Streetscape Goat
Posted by anaglyph under Grumpy Old Man, Stupidity
[6] Comments
Around the inner-city burrough in which I live, the favoured method for getting motorists to reduce their speed is The Speed Hump. The Speed Hump is a plague upon humanity. It is up there with the Biblical Plagues: A Plague of Locusts, A Plague of Boils, and a Plague of Speed Humps. See how easily that rolls off the tongue? I really hate The Speed Hump. For many reasons, but among them:
1: Speed Humps do not seem to impede in the least all the 4WD owners, who are the worst offenders. Speed humps? Ha! That’s as close as they get to actually using four wheel drive! They love the speed hump. It justifies in their brain the reason they spend twice as much on petrol as the rest of us.
2: Speed Humps really screw up the suspension on tiny gas-saving cars like mine, which have small wheelbases and don’t have dead-kangaroo-height clearance. Every time I go over one my poor little Smart just bottoms out. Ker-thunk!
3: Speed Humps cause people to accelerate loudly once they’ve cleared the bump, effectively wrecking the concept anyway: “WooHoo, now I’m OFF the Speed Hump I’m going to really fang* it!!!”
But do not let it be said that the Reverend makes light of road safety! Yes, Speed Kills! and here at The Cow we endorse responsible driving so I am proposing a new concept in traffic pacifying.
Goats.
Yes, goats. I propose that we release herds of goats throughout urban traffic routes. You doubt my methods? Then read this†!
I rest my case.
___________________________________________________________________________
*An Australian term which I’m sure my US readers can figure out.
†Thanks Pil! (I love my readers)
Fanging the hump really gets my goat.
In a rare moment of seriousness: In Toronto, they are now re-thinking speed humps (or speed bumps as they’re called ’round here) because they do “help” slow down traffic (save big SUVs) including police cars, ambulances, and fire trucks. There’s even been some “woundings” of EMT workers thanks to them.
What I love is in my neighbourhood, the same women that scream that we NEED speed bumps (to keep our kids safe from crazy drivers) usually drive SUVs, drive their kids to school in them, and then speed over them on the way back from the schools because they’re late for God knows what… usually driving no more than a few blocks.
I love these safety conscious types. They make me smile… as I consider “speed mines” only triggered by fast moving heavy vehicles.
And the goats could eat any litter on the road too.
I doubt whether Goats would help with 4WD’s and speeding anyway. So many people who have children get a large 4WD in the mistaken understanding that they are safer for the “little ones”. But these are the same people who double park outside schools while dropping Johnny, talk on the Mobile while driving and speed to get Madeline to Ballet on time on a Saturday morning. The Bull bar (which should be banned IMHO) would simply become the Goat Bar.
Even so, you have to admit hewhohears, that it would be pretty amusing to see a lot of goats running around the inner city. Aside from the ones driving the 4WDs, that is.
I woud suggest puttin more cops on th streets.
Female cops.
Young, pretty ones.
Topless.
Ker-thunk!