Wed 10 Mar 2010
Shitfaced
Posted by anaglyph under Bizarre, Idiots, Insane People, Ooky, Skeptical Thinking, Stupidity, WooWoo
[13] Comments
The capacity for stupid people to part with huge amounts of cash on schemes concocted by morally bankrupt swindlers never ceases to amaze me. It’s as if there’s a reservoir of schmucks out there who are just busting to empty their bank accounts into the pockets of criminals. Here on The Cow this is very familiar territory. Over the years we’ve seen the duplicitous Shoo!TAG™ scammers bilking all and sundry with their nutso pest repellent scheme; the smarmy Steorn with their ‘free energy’ shell game (a scam that’s centuries old in one form or another); the Space Diamond fraudsters who promise untold wealth via implausible interstellar retrieval schemes. And the list goes on.
Sometimes I like to play this game in my head where I make up the weirdest scheme I can imagine and speculate on whether people would pay money for it. For instance, I’ll look out my window and see something like, oh, let’s see – bird shit – and then make it the centre of some daft scam. I’ll imagine, for instance, that there’s some place that offers to rub bird shit on your face for money. Maybe I’ll even elaborate on it a bit to make it even more implausible – maybe it’s not just bird shit they’re offering to smoosh all over your dial but, oh, let’s see something really off the wall… I’ve got it! Nightingale shit!
Hahahaha! No-one would believe that in a BILLION years. No-one on the PLANET is dumb enough to fork out for that.
Hahhahahahahahaha!
Geez.
They dont evn bothr usin some fancy word like ‘excretions’ — Nightingale excretions.
They jus come right out with it:
Droppings.
I guess what a Nightingale’s body unloads, some fokes jus cant do without.
OK, I have to point out that here in America we have been shelling out BIG bucks for something called Chinese Bird’s Nest Soup for decades and decades. And, yeah, SURE, the main point is that you are eating the bird saliva that holds the nests together (OK, THERE is an entire post itself), but WHAT do birds do in nests??? We have birds nests here- I see what they do…
They have to be free-range hormone-free nighting-gales now. All the rest of the Stupid Consumer Spots are taken.
Joey: They claim it’s all sanitized to take out the icky bits, but answer me this: what if the icky bits are the ingredient that gives you the smooth skin?
Queen Willy: The TCA Labs are already working on what they’re terming MooPoo™ facials. The best part is that you don’t have to fiddle about collecting lots of teensy nightingale droppings.
Colonel: I’m pretty sure I can see why they called it Birds Nest Soup rather than Bird Spit Soup, though. Even if neither option sounds that appealing personally.
As for the free-range thing, well, maybe they can add those things, but it’s already undisputably organic.
Malach: I think you’re getting this confused with your usual elephant shit facial.
This procedure is especially popular among bitches and royalty.
There’s a nightingale farm???? Goddamit. Another place to add to my list of places to visit before I die.
I had one of these facials at Ten Thousand Waves. Best facial ever.
Is that the Duke of Earl up there, Reverend?
Duke: Kuweasti hopa! We’re happy to spell things correctly here at The Cow, and even happier that you paid us a visit. I’m beginning to like the whole nightingale shit concept now – it’s so darn whacky that it fits in here very well indeed.
One question though – I don’t think I can dispute your obvious superior knowledge regarding bird poop facials, but is there any reason that chicken droppings, say, wouldn’t be just as efficacious? I mean, is there anything in nightingale faeces that leads you (or anyone) to believe they are somehow special? Just curious.
Patricia: I think you need to send us a Before and After photograph, so that we might be the judges of that statement.
Atlas: I did find him to be rather persuasive…
Wait until the Cowlexâ„¢ FacePieâ„¢ hits the (adoring) fans!
Duke:
My personal feeling is that once someone’s committed to having bird shit rubbed on their face then the detail of whether it’s nightingale, fowl or owl is of relatively minor consequence.
Interesting. Is the nightingale’s intestine disproportionately shorter than a chicken’s, or just short because it’s a smaller bird?
Have you thought about a possibility of using bat guano for facials? If it has any special bleaching properties there might be a good sideline among the Goth set…
Atlas: TCA Labs have discovered that all the goodness is lost if the MooPoo™ is not completely fresh, and to this end, are installing recliner chairs in the cattle pens.
Personally, I think this probably came from a simple translation error, where someone confused “facial” and “fecal”.
I like the batshit insane idea. We have tons of bats in Austin. Bet I could sling some lawn chairs under the bridge and market them to tourists as “natural full-body facial couches”.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPvfEc4q-tw They might not realise just how literally the bats might be making that, though.
I used to have bats like the ones in the video (not true bats, as I’m sure you know, but flying foxes) that came and feasted in the fig trees in my street. You certainly didn’t want a facial of the stuff they rained down, whatever orifices it came from.
Everyone used to park their cars in another street in bat season.