Sun 7 Mar 2010
ENTRY WINS COMPETITION!
Posted by anaglyph under Competition!, Idiots, In The News, Signs, True Fiction, Words
[14] Comments
Well now Acowlytes! After the biggest commenting frenzy in Cow history it behooves (!) me at last to announce the winner of the inaugural TCA Rupert Murdoch Encouragement Award For the Preservation of Meretricious Journalism.
Let me say from the outset that this was the most difficult of all the Cow contests I’ve had to judge so far. There was mirth galore here at Cow Central, and so many worthy entries that I’ve decided to award two prizes – an outright winner, and a ‘Best Laugh’ award.
The challenge in this competition was to create a headline that was so inherently non-informational that its banality was unparalleled. At the same time, I felt the winner needed to have an appropriate ‘newspaper reality’. In other words, I was looking for something that might have conceivably found its way onto the front page, but that would have provoked a ‘Huh?’ response about three steps after you passed the news stand. I am also impressed by economy of wit, and a certain Bee Joke je ne sais quo, so I kept all these things in mind when making my final choice.
Out of around 430-something actual headlines, there were many contenders.
The very first Sir Joey Polanski entry was smack on the money:
IMAGE ON WINDOW NOT THE VIRGIN, EXPERTS SAY.
In fact, I’m pretty sure that headline has actually appeared in all seriousness, somewhere in the world. King Willy was not far behind with a proclamation so convincing that I doubt many would have even noticed the threadbare content:
CERN FUTURE UNCERTAIN
Particles May or May Not Be Found!
Not to be outdone, and winner of the Sheer Volume Award (if there was one) was Atlas, throwing into the ring:
THIS HEADLINE IS BOLD
But the Subheading is Not, Typographer States.
It got a big laugh. As did:
NET OUTAGE CAUSE IDENTIFIED
“Not the Blinking Light,†Telstra Admits
… from Sir Joey. It’s a bit of an in-joke though, so despite its inherent truthiness, not the winner.
Of course it would have been a disappointing competition indeed if Billy hadn’t appeared and Cissy Strutt got a big laugh with:
TEATS OF CLOTH
Billy Struggles To Keep Place In Herd
Joey, who surely has a keen understanding of how I judge these humorous escapades, made a (not so) subtle play for the adjudicators’s attention with:
BEEKEEPER CONVICTED OF ABUSE
Cramped hive conditions were intolerable, prosecutor says
Funny, I’ll grant you, but he’s going for the gag, so no cigar. It became contagious for a while. Queen Willy tried:
SHOE IS ON THE OTHER FOOT!
Dyslexic amputee tells all.
Also hugely mirthful, but far too clever for any of Rupert’s mob.
Around the 150 mark we saw Colonel Colonel enter the fray with a barrage of hits. He got a bunch of laughs, but his most apposite was the pithy:
MURDER VICTIM DIES
Again, quite tragically, I speculate that this one has actually appeared at some time or other in recent history.
Another of Joey’s was right on the mark:
JAZZ MUSICIANS LOOSELY INTERPRET COMPOSER’S SCORE
A headline worthy of Jazz Club. Nice.
Atlas was consistently funny, if wildly errant, but this one pleased me a lot:
MOON COMPLETELY COVERED WITH LUNAR SURFACE, NASA SOURCES CLAIM
And this from Queen Willy was a right on the money:
SWEATERS WARMER THAN T-SHIRTS, UNIVERSITY TESTS SHOW
University tests are always showing something-or-other, and I’m glad someone included them. Leaping up into the high 200’s Atlas made a witty play with:
ALEX TREBEK’S CAREER SAID TO BE IN JEOPARDY
One of the cleverest entries, I’m sure you’ll agree. After another strong run from King Willy in the mid 300’s we had a solitary entry from Casey:
SCIENTOLOGISTS: ‘BLOGGERS HAVE NO EFFECT’
…which was more a statement of irony than anything else, but got a laugh. As did:
Godwin’s Law proves self-fulfilling: long thread DOES mention NAZIs eventually!
… from JR, which was a massive self-referential cheat.
And on we went, well into the 400’s. Guys and gals, Acowlytes all, I loved every one of them. But I’m only awarding two prizes today, as I mentioned. My commiserations go to those who aren’t taking home a trophy, but I’m afraid that the inimitable Joey Polanski (Sir) has done it again with his precise and far too believable:
CHILD ACTOR ENDS 18-YEAR CAREER
It was an early entry, but it really captured the idea. Joey, another trophy for the cupboard, I guess. Congratulations.
And the award for the biggest laugh (although that was mighty hard to get down to just one) was for Cissy Strutt’s:
CULT MEMBERS ADDICTED TO STATING THE OBVIOUS
We literally can’t stop, they claim
I dunno. Even now it makes me laugh.
Thank you all for your stirling efforts, and for contributing to the ever-escalating heights of Cow Humour.
The Cow Salutes You!
Once again, Im honord. So Sistr Veronica now has a third TCA cup to hold fer me. I coud imagine her findin a place fer two, but three?
And, ocourse, I congratulate Ciss for her Best Laugh awardski. I gotta admit (to my embarrassment) that it took me a long time to see why this was especialy funny. Initialy, I jus chalkd it up to sense o humor bein, well, a “funny” thing; but, convincd that there was jus sompm I wudt “gettin,” I turnd th dangd thing ovr and ovr in my mind, tryin to figgr out what “obvious truths” cult membrs are typickly found to spew. Then — Oh, shitski — How didnt I see it soonr? — What is th “cult” in question? Who are its membrs? Ah-HAHAHAHAHA! Theyre US! And th cult is th Cow! Yeah. I was way too slowski on that one. Brillyant, Ciss!
Like any Cow competition, this was a tough one — not so tough to come up wif entrys, but tough to come up wif real slammin ones. But unlike othr Cow competitions, th contest here was very subtle — prhaps not exackly subtle to th point o bein amorphous, but certainly subtle to th point o bein ambiguous. Th Revrends post, bofe th original and th revisd, along wif a few coments he made along th way, suggestd two distinckt ideas. One was that entrys shoud be headlines specifickly reportin that sompm didnt happm — a “non-news” story in th sense that its sayin that what wouda been news DIDNT ockur. Hence, all th “DISASTER AVERTD” samples. Th othr idea was that entrys shoud be headlines reportin sompm thats “non-news” in th sense that theres simply no reasn why anyone shoud be informd of it. This idea was sorta implicit in th “asteroid non-collision” story, since a full “reporting” o th trufe from th beginning wouda been a report that a asteroid was about to pass, well, not too terribly close to th Earf.
And th idea o reportin “non-news” itself might invite two kindsa entrys. A headline that is strickly tautologickle — necesarily true bcause true by definition — woud certainly be reportin nothing thats news, but so woud a headline that simply reports sompm thats routine. That “Huh?” that th Revrend suggestd we shoud feel 3 steps past th newsstand coud be a “Why did you need to TELL ME that?” or a “Why woud I need to KNOW that?” And we certainly seen bofe kinds o entrys submittd here.
But what REALY made this challenging was what th Revrend didnt overtly mention until th present postski, annoucing th winners — namely, th idea that you shoud be able to see th dopey headline atchualy makin it into a real newpapr. So woud a tautology like “Brother and Sister Share Blood Relation” make it into a newspapr? Ocourse not. “Murder Victim Dies”? Yep. I can see it. (Kudos to th Colonel!)
And, ocourse, few of us coud resist th temptation to stray outta bounds and jus submit stuff fer th laugh-value. From a Polanski prspecktive, where its all about th laughski, thats always a good thingski. And, as Cissy showd, it CAN win ya a prize!
Wif all that in mind, here are a few that I especialy liked:
(1) Atlas’s CERAMIC BOWL DISCOVERED AT BOTTOM OF CEREAL Not sure why. Prhaps Im just envisioning some breakfasters private little “Eureka!” moment.
(2) King Willy’s NEW POWER PLANT TO BE SWITCHED ON Yep. Gotta hope its pluggd inski.
(3) Th Revrends CHILD BORN WITHOUT PENIS! It’s a girl! If you considr th joke here in th abstrackt, you might be only mildly impressd. But if you considr th joke as sompm told — i.e., as th event of th telling — then sompm special happms, I think. Tho it takes only about a seckon to read bofe headline and subtitle, I think that th readrs mind supplys th subtitle upon readin th headline and bfore atchualy readin th subtitle; and so theres kinda a comick – audience bond that happms. The audience tells itself th jokeski, at th behest and th prompting o th comick — which I think is a especialy important part o “goin for th laughski.”
One last thing: Has anyone noticd that in these contests — and evn in th similar events that aint explicitly contests (like thisn and thisn) — theres kind of a crescendo in th submissions? I dont mean a increase in th volume (or, rathr, th frequency) of th submissions, but rathr a increase, ovrall and genrally, in their effecktiveness. Or maybe it aint so much a crescendo as a series of volleys, where each volley seems a bit more “on target” than th last. I aint sure exackly what to make o this, but it sure is intresting to me. Prhaps its due in part to a kind o mental “limbering up.” Prhaps its due in part to th playrs deriving inspiration from one anothr. In any case … dangd intresting!
Thanks fer anothr blastski, Revrend. Shit like this is truly one o th joys o bloggin.
A fun and challenging contest with many great entries. I think joey is correct- as the entries mount up there is more oilski to our brainskis and things just start to pop into our headskis as we read what has gone beforeski.
The really tricky thing about this competition was just whittling it down. As they like to say in politically-correct award ceremonies: everyone who participated was a winner.
I know I hand out actual awards, but seriously, the best thing about this forum is the real-time unfolding of the gags. The ‘schtick’ rather than (or in addition to, I suppose) the content alone. In that respect it’s more like an improv at a pub than a ‘submit-your-entries’ competition. Reading back through to make the judging one thing struck me – oftentimes it was the sheer speed of attack and contextual wittiness that got the laughs originally, rather than the joke itself.
Sometimes people really got on a roll – Atlas was getting a laugh a second at one point. Other times, there was a civil tete-a-tete for a few rounds and then a grand slam. Like many things, you really had to ‘be there’ to get the full effect.
Best of all, it turned out to be something way better than I could have predicted, and that is one of the great things about this blogging format.
In this competition we have not only lampooned the banality and incompetence of the Old Media, but shown, with clarity, a facet of the power and strength of the New. Now, whenever you read Rupert Murdoch’s (or Jaron Lanier’s) moaning that the hoi polloi are ruining our culture, you have a benchmark on which to mount a definitive argument to the contrary.
In the RMEAFTPOMJ, I particularly enjoyed putting up entries and discovering another Acowlyte posting at the same time. And noticing there was an almost occult whiff to the way simultaneous entries seem to feed off each other. Should we call this effect ‘accowlt’?
(“This Headline Is Bold” – brilliant)
Yep. As valuable as is th artifackt — th post-and-coments — theres a special value that belongs to th event as a interacktive bit o creativity-in-progress.
Claps all around
Shucks everyone, I feel all gooey.
The King
Gooey because you got the clap from Malach?
Nah, from Sir Joey. Reminds me of that song “Knights in White Satin”.
As for you my friend:
ATLAS OUT OF DATE WHEN POLES REVERSE!
The King
I feel like spewin all ovr th whole lot o yas!
I really don’t know why I keep fooling myself that my Acowlytes are gaining any class.
Yeah I guess there were far too many double entendres in my headline, we don’t need to know about Atlas’s date (not that date, nor that date, but THAT date!)
The King
obviously like your web site but you need to check the spelling on quite a few of your
posts. A number of them are rife with spelling issues and
I find it very troublesome to tell the truth nevertheless I’ll certainly come again again.
Thank you for your idiotic assessment Jacqui. Perhaps you could point me to one of the spelling mistakes you’ve found. Any one. Out of nine years of posts. I don’t mind.
Also, how’s your speech therapy going?