Sun 14 May 2006
Do Do That Voodoo
Posted by anaglyph under Religion, Spam Observations, Technology, Web Politics
[20] Comments
I have this friend who was interested to know if it is possible to put a curse on someone online. This friend searched all over the internet and found that aside from one poxy and insipidly saccharine voodoo doll site, there appears to be nowhere at all where this can be done.
Oh very well, I know what you are all saying: “Who’s he kidding, we weren’t born yesterday! We are The Astute Cognoscenti of The Cow!”. Yes, I confess, it is no ‘friend’ I am talking about, it is ME!
Yesterday, after one last unprovoked prodding by some oily friend of Raymundo I decided that I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more! I am being assaulted from all sides with spam. It’s getting to be a real pain in the ass. It clogs up my email, stops my friends from leaving comments on my blog and even invades my dreams. But what to do???
Then, last night, sometime around the Witching Hour, it came to me! If the little red wagon of the spammers can’t be fixed by conventional means, then it follows that I have no option but to turn to black magic.
But dammit! What the hell is this? I can buy my groceries online, book my flights online, pay my gas bill online, watch my movies online and get ordained online but evidently there is just no way to put even a basic curse on someone via the internet.
This is a failing of apocalyptic proportions!
I did find a site that offers to sell me a voodoo doll kit via mail order. A compromise, but I guess…
The one thing that immediately struck me, though, was the caveat:
Remember to ask that the person be hurt only as much as you were, no more and no less — by using a doll fairly you are in no way breaking any Universal laws.
Now this poses a difficult ethical question: How much do these spammers hurt anyone? According to Spamhaus, a site that tracks the nefarious escapades of the web’s spammers, Public Spam Enemy #1 in the top ten is the Ukraine’s Alex Blood. Mr Blood is profiled as the operator of a ‘massive botnet and child-porn spam ring’. That’s pretty bad, right? That deserves a pretty hefty curse, right?
I opted for having his eyes put out or his hands chopped off. Or both.
I mentioned it to Nurse Myra.
“I’m a bit worried about this evil streak that’s coming out in you,” she said, in a spectacular example of the Pot Calling the Kettle Black.
“Why?” I said, “Spammers are the scum of the earth!”
“Even so, that’s rather extreme…”
“What about having his dick shrivel up and drop off?” I asked. “Painfully”.
She made a face.
“Well what would you suggest?” I asked. “A bad case of diarhhoea?”
No, this will never do! I need some serious hi-tech online voodoo to kick the butts of Alex Blood and his despicable cronies. Something that doesn’t come with prudish karmic warnings.
So, Faithful Minions of The Cow, this is your mission should you choose to accept it (when I say that, you understand I am just quoting Mission Impossible and that you have no choice, n’est ce pas?):
I want you all to go out and scour the web for online black magic. These lowlife scum must be stopped!
I’m a little surprised *you* are not offering that which you seek. Last resort, maybe? Okay sorry for the digression. Off to search.
But.. why do I feel so compelled?
Well, I would but it’s a bit beyond my tech skills…
I mean, The Cow has a standing curse on these people anyway, and that’s pretty powerful mojo, but sometimes you gotta call for backup.
It may not help with spammers but this voodoo doll provided much amusement.
You realy wanna try cursin a guy whos name is “Blood”?
Have at it, Revrend.
That’s only one of his names. I’m willing to bet it’s not the one he was born with.
Yeah, I saw that page.
Not exactly what I’m after though – that’s just yer standard old tech spell, published on the net. I want something like my ordination papers, where I can go enter someone’s name and get a certificate that says they’re cursed. You know, all official because it’s on the internet!
Bloody Finger Mail?
Better, but it’s more in the nature of a threat than a curse…
This site gives you the option of downloading your creation for continuing your efforts as needed, or you can email the victim. Do you have his email address?
Be sure to post a link if you find something. I, too, could use what you seek.
On a positive note, there are a couple of filtering plugins you can install into wordpress to stop random spam posts. It essentially catches them and stops them from posting, but if they’re real it give you the option to give the go ahead. They’ve done wonders for the Fish.
Way to go RaJ, but unfortunately the site doesn’t do anything for me. I can go through the process and click ‘cast spell’ and then absolutely nothing happens. This could be just a case of poor Voodoo UI, and this is the way it is supposed to work, but methinks there’s a bug… Do you see anything different…?
JMF: I’m using Akismet, but as RaJ will tell you, it’s not perfect. He is banned from posting here. I have to rescue each one of his comments manually. One has to ask if there’s any coincidence that we have both been highly critical of the spam demons…
From the Chapter 12 page, linked above:
“Buy the coal dust and salt at three different stores.”
A dust store?
For dieting supplies, maybe? (not many calories in dust, you know…)
My local coal dust store closed down last week. It’s all those big chains moving in selling cutesy ‘Spells In a Box” and “Hello Kitty Love Potion”. Gone are the days when you could just stroll down to the corner and buy a handful of chicken feathers and a jar of goat’s blood for a few pence.
No, no, no!
Not coal dust! The recipe explicitly states that the coal and the dust must be bought from separate stores!
For goat’s blood I recommend Marrickville butchers. Much fresher than Morning Glory Witchery dept.
Anaglyph, I checked my SPAM filters over at the Fish. I use “Bad Behavior” and “Spam Karma 2”. I don’t use the one you mentioned but I haven’t had any troubles with those two.
This curse is for K.S. & Grandpa S. & M.S. you know who you are and K.R. too! It is now official and online in cyber space so it WILL get you! Thanks anaglyph for providing this space to perfom the internet casting of my voodoo.
P.S. don’t make fun of voodoo, it’s for real.
And 1 more goes out for for G.W.B. too! He knows who he is and so does most everyone else familiar with politics, the white house, & bafoons.
Why not just flood the guy with spam and junk emails and threatening letters with viruses attached? Now that’s online voodoo. Or get a hacker to screw up his system.
I apologise for my previous link to the “site” ( i wrote “I dont have one” in the website tab).