Thu 21 May 2009
Sugar and A Slice of Lemon?
Posted by anaglyph under Australiana, Ephemera, Food & Drink, Signs
[25] Comments
Last weekend, while tinkering in the kitchen, I offered to make Vermilion a beverage and, without thinking, I dashingly quipped ‘Coffee, tea or Bonox?’
Of course when I went past ‘tea’ she had no idea at all what I was talking about, because Bonox is one of those bizarre concoctions that comes from the far past and for some old geezers like myself, lingers in consciousness solely due to the power of advertising.
Bonox was invented by Kraft (more renowned as the makers of Vegemite) in 1919 ((Probably to use up some by-product of the Vegemite manufacturing process…)) The succinct Wikipedia entry on Bonox says it was ‘common to ask “Coffee, tea or Bonox” when offering guests a drink’ but I sincerely doubt that it was common. I’m totally sure that Kraft would have liked to have thought that, because it was an advertising slogan that they came up with in an attempt to try and make Bonox as popular as those other staples. It never worked because Bonox is DISGUSTING.
Entire generations of Australians remember the slogan, but the power of advertising can only do so much to actually sell something that tastes like the burnt remains of last Sunday’s roast dinner.
Do you notice how much the Bonox packaging looks like the Vegemite packaging? Well that’s because they are almost exactly the same thing. Except Bonox is supposed to be dissolved in hot water and sipped. I’m sure this was a mighty treat in the Depression, when the alternative was turps-soaked shoe leather and grass clippings, but these days when we have actual food, Bonox is about as appealing as dripping or curds or suet or any other food substitutes that more properly belong in a Steinbeck novel. The bizarre thing is that Kraft still makes Bonox, which means someone still buys it.
All I can say is it’s not me.
The thing is, I have never shaken the eerie feeling that one day I’m going to dashingly quip ‘Coffee, tea or Bonox?’ and my guest’s face is going to light up as they say ‘Oooo! Bonox! Yes please!’
(PS – Notice how it says ‘Cholesterol Free’ on the label these days? Is that supposed to make your thought process go: ‘Awright! It tastes like burnt rubber tires and carbonized dog turds, but what the hey! It’s cholesterol free!!! Put the kettle on!’)
25 Responses to “ Sugar and A Slice of Lemon? ”
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Well as you know I don’t drink coffee or tea. so if that’s all that’s on offer I’ll take the Bonox
“that tastes like the burnt remains of last Sunday’s roast dinner”
Exactly. Why on earth should I pay Kraft for that in an ugly bottle, when the real thing is still sitting in my fridge?
I may be simple, but I’m not stupid.
Alas, my parents used to make a hot drink using Marmite. and hot water. Bleaurrrghhhhhhhhhh.
… and Dad used to call that concoction “beef tea”. As in “Would you like a nice cup of beef tea”.
And was Vermillion venturesome?
I have a new slogan for them:
“What a load of Bonox!”
The King
Nurse Myra: That’s hardly an ‘Oooo, yes please!’
Colonel: Now, where’s that Vitamizer when you need it?
Cissy Strutt: Whole menus of delusion came out of the Depression. ‘Mock fish’ as you recall, was a staple in my childhood – basically plain ol’ potato latkes. I guess an invitation to sit down to a nice plate of mock fish and a steaming cup of beef tea is a more appetizing prospect than some soggy potato cakes and a mug of dilute warm Marmite.
Joey: When I explained the Bonox story to Vermilion her response was ‘That’s feral!’ I understand that to be young person’s lingo for DISGUSTING. She opted instead for Alternative 4: hot chocolate.
King Willy: Considering it was invented in 1919, surely the slogan should be ‘What a load of old Bonox!’
My Aunt Guzzy existed (and maybe still does) on vegemite dissolved in hot water. But then, she lives in Melbourne.
I love those old slogans – they don’t make them like they used to (or maybe I have just given up commercial television):
Bex is Better!
Good on you Mum – TipTops the One.
Have a break – have a Kitkat.
Apparently, when a class of young schoolchildren were asked to write down how they felt, a large percentage wrote “I feel like a Tooheys.”
Though of course, this being Australia, there’s always the chance they meant it.
Nothing better to wash down some pickled herring!
Pil: Who could forget ‘A cup of tea, a Bex and a good lie down!’? Or ‘Nice green! It softens hands – you’re soaking in it!’ (the advertising person that came up with the idea to sell dishwashing detergent on the basis of its supposed cosmetic properties was a total fucking genius!)
Atlas: Yeah – you’d be replacing the taste of burnt cow with vinegared fish…
Wow, almost as smooth as Clamato juice
Malach: Clamato eh? Well, you learn something new every day. Not something you need or want to learn, true, but something nevertheless.
Seafood juice eh, well that sounds safe!
I’ll err have Bonox please waiter…
The King
ps. Don’t those Canadians know that YCaesar was murdered.
Her majesty and I wonder why we can’t preview our comments anymore – hence the wonderful typo in my post above which should obviously read Caesar
Your humble Regent
When I saw the title “BonoX” I assumed this was another robot post. I thought that perhaps there was speculation that Mr. Bono from U2 had been murdered and replaced with an tiny and heavily sunglassed cyborg…
But, no….
I’ve never heard of Bonox the drink. It looks horrible but I happen to love a Caesar made with Mott’s Clamato juice. Nothing better.
liquefied cow? i’ll have mine in a smoothie, with some low-fat frozen soy-based ice cream, please!
King Willy: Well you could bravely cross all cultural boundaries by creating a new drink of blended Bonox and Clamato. Clamox, perhaps? It certainly sounds like the right name for a disgusting drink.
(The Preview function in the plugin I was using seems to have borked. Not sure why. It was working fine for a while but it’s possible that when I upgraded to the latest version of WordPress there was some incompatibility. I will work on restoring it, as long as it doesn’t mean any substantial re-coding of The Cow. You’ll just have to be vigilant before you press the Comment button!).
Ram: Mr Bono from U2 possibly has been murdered and replaced with a robot. How would anyone ever tell?
As for the clam beverages, all I can say is that I have the labs working on a new refresher that combines Clamato and Mnorgovuddka. There is simply no way that we can fail with this one!
daisyfae: Oh, I, ergggg. Sorry.
Gotta give em creddit fer goin wif “BEEF DRINK” and “BEEF STOCK”.
Some company execs was pushin pretty hard fer “MEAT FLUID”.
Cissy Strutt: Oh, I dunno… I’m not really one for the creamy cocktails…
Joey: Same guys with shares in the pork martini, I figure.
I had never heard of bonox before two weeks ago, but I’ve got a hospital visit in a few days and bonox is approved for me to drink in preparation. I’m halfway through my first mug, as I type this, and I’m actually enjoying it.
So, “Oooo! Bonox! Yes please!”
Aha! So that’s why it’s still on the shelves.
(And there’s no accounting for taste… still, I hope it fortifies you appropriately for your hospital stay…)