Tetherd Cow Ahead

You may remember that I wrote, some time back, about Dr Masaru Emoto, a man who believes that water has feelings. Dr Emoto has a fairly substantial following in the magic water fraternity and his name is used to promote products such as H²Om Vibrational Water, which we’ve had cause to discuss previously on The Cow.

Well, it seems that Dr Emoto is happy to lend his name (and image, it would appear) to quackery, but is most reticent to appear anywhere that is critical of his ideas. This morning I received a letter from his office:

Hello,

I’m Michiko Hayashi from OFFICE MASARU EMOTO LLC in Tokyo, Japan.

I would like to let you know that your use of water crystal photos has not been approved by OFFICE MASARU EMOTO. Please find attached the letter “Use of water crystal images on websites” and make the appropriate procedure to use water crystal images legally.

This is part of the attached letter:

– IMPORTANT NOTICE –

Use of “water crystal” images on websites without permission

Please be informed that water crystal images are intellectual property, and OFFICE MASARU EMOTO LLC owns the copyrights to the water crystal photos that you have posted on your website. It is important that you obtain an official permission for such use authorized by OFFICE MASARU EMOTO LLC. The fee for the use on the website is 1,200€ (one thousand and two hundred Euro) or $1,400(one thousand and four hundred US dollars) for one year.

You what? 1,400 US dollars! Hahahahaha! I wonder if anyone would be daft enough to actually pay that? And I wonder even further whether they try this on with people who aren’t critical of Dr Emoto? Let’s do a quick image search, shall we… Oh, what a surprise! almost a hundred thousand images of Dr Emoto or his water crystals. And virtually none of them on sites that are critical of his silly ideas. The letter goes on to say:

If you have Mr. Masaru Emoto’s face photo (portrait rights) and/or his name on your websites, please delete it/ them IMMEDIATELY. The use of “Masaru Emoto®” and his portrait rights are strictly prohibited.

Ha. I hope that they aren’t thinking they can get away with his name being intellectual property too! Just sticking a ® on the end of something means toss-all folks.

I won’t bore you with the rest of the letter – it’s basically just repetitions of the same thing, coupled with a vague threat of legal action that doesn’t really scare me in the least. I have, however, um… altered the images I used on the original post because, quite frankly I can’t be bothered getting into any kind of legal dispute with people who aren’t able to think rationally.

I am a little disappointed in Dr Emoto and his office, if the truth be told. He got off pretty lightly on The Cow, all things considered. I cut him a bit of slack because I think he’s just a misguided old duffer, rather than a cynical con artist, ((Emoto is one of the very few of his ilk that has, at least, the courage to call his ideas ‘magic’. The problem is that he does so while wearing a lab coat and calling himself a doctor. Unfortunately most people aren’t able to understand that just because he has a laboratory and does ‘experiments’ doesn’t make him a scientist)) and he certainly didn’t get the roasting that many of his fellow loonies have copped on my pages. But it is immediately apparent from today’s letter, that, like all practitioners of pseudoscience, one of Dr Emoto’s raisons d’être is the financial reward his nutty beliefs bring.

Michiko signs off…

With love and gratitude,
Michiko Hayashi

… an unusual (to say the least) salutation for a legal letter. Perhaps you will not continue to feel much gratitude towards me Ms Hayashi, when you know I have no intention of paying you any money, and have not changed my opinion of Dr Emoto in the least. As for the love, well, I have a feeling that yours is nothing more than the watered-down kind.

The Guardian reports that publisher Penguin Australia has been left with egg on its face after it was revealed that a recipe for Tagliatelle with Sardines and Prosciutto from their book The Pasta Bible, called for the inclusion of ‘salt and freshly ground black people’. 7000 copies of the book have been withdrawn.

Penguin’s head of publishing, Robert Sessions, blamed the gaff on a spellcheck program, and said that proofreaders missed it because they were probably more concerned with checking ingredient quantities. ((Rather than the ingredients per se, I guess…)) Sessions called the mistake a typo, but I’m thinking that these kinds of episodes, where spellcheck programs offer whole alternative words to the one that is meant, should have a new name. Wordo? Hmm… a bit clunky… Suggestions?

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*Thanks to Violet Towne for spotting it in The Guardian and to my guest sub-editor King Willy for the fabulous headline.

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Just a reminder that you should make very frequent visits to engrish.com. In case you’re not already. It’s truly super amusive!

Well now Acowlytes! After the biggest commenting frenzy in Cow history it behooves (!) me at last to announce the winner of the inaugural TCA Rupert Murdoch Encouragement Award For the Preservation of Meretricious Journalism.

Let me say from the outset that this was the most difficult of all the Cow contests I’ve had to judge so far. There was mirth galore here at Cow Central, and so many worthy entries that I’ve decided to award two prizes – an outright winner, and a ‘Best Laugh’ award.

The challenge in this competition was to create a headline that was so inherently non-informational that its banality was unparalleled. At the same time, I felt the winner needed to have an appropriate ‘newspaper reality’. In other words, I was looking for something that might have conceivably found its way onto the front page, but that would have provoked a ‘Huh?’ response about three steps after you passed the news stand. I am also impressed by economy of wit, and a certain Bee Joke je ne sais quo, so I kept all these things in mind when making my final choice.

Out of around 430-something actual headlines, there were many contenders.

The very first Sir Joey Polanski entry was smack on the money:

IMAGE ON WINDOW NOT THE VIRGIN, EXPERTS SAY.

In fact, I’m pretty sure that headline has actually appeared in all seriousness, somewhere in the world. King Willy was not far behind with a proclamation so convincing that I doubt many would have even noticed the threadbare content:

CERN FUTURE UNCERTAIN
Particles May or May Not Be Found!

Not to be outdone, and winner of the Sheer Volume Award (if there was one) was Atlas, throwing into the ring:

THIS HEADLINE IS BOLD
But the Subheading is Not, Typographer States.

It got a big laugh. As did:

NET OUTAGE CAUSE IDENTIFIED
“Not the Blinking Light,” Telstra Admits

… from Sir Joey. It’s a bit of an in-joke though, so despite its inherent truthiness, not the winner.

Of course it would have been a disappointing competition indeed if Billy hadn’t appeared and Cissy Strutt got a big laugh with:

TEATS OF CLOTH
Billy Struggles To Keep Place In Herd

Joey, who surely has a keen understanding of how I judge these humorous escapades, made a (not so) subtle play for the adjudicators’s attention with:

BEEKEEPER CONVICTED OF ABUSE
Cramped hive conditions were intolerable, prosecutor says

Funny, I’ll grant you, but he’s going for the gag, so no cigar. It became contagious for a while. Queen Willy tried:

SHOE IS ON THE OTHER FOOT!
Dyslexic amputee tells all.

Also hugely mirthful, but far too clever for any of Rupert’s mob.

Around the 150 mark we saw Colonel Colonel enter the fray with a barrage of hits. He got a bunch of laughs, but his most apposite was the pithy:

MURDER VICTIM DIES

Again, quite tragically, I speculate that this one has actually appeared at some time or other in recent history.

Another of Joey’s was right on the mark:

JAZZ MUSICIANS LOOSELY INTERPRET COMPOSER’S SCORE

A headline worthy of Jazz Club. Nice.

Atlas was consistently funny, if wildly errant, but this one pleased me a lot:

MOON COMPLETELY COVERED WITH LUNAR SURFACE, NASA SOURCES CLAIM

And this from Queen Willy was a right on the money:

SWEATERS WARMER THAN T-SHIRTS, UNIVERSITY TESTS SHOW

University tests are always showing something-or-other, and I’m glad someone included them. Leaping up into the high 200’s Atlas made a witty play with:

ALEX TREBEK’S CAREER SAID TO BE IN JEOPARDY

One of the cleverest entries, I’m sure you’ll agree. After another strong run from King Willy in the mid 300’s we had a solitary entry from Casey:

SCIENTOLOGISTS: ‘BLOGGERS HAVE NO EFFECT’

…which was more a statement of irony than anything else, but got a laugh. As did:

Godwin’s Law proves self-fulfilling: long thread DOES mention NAZIs eventually!

… from JR, which was a massive self-referential cheat.

And on we went, well into the 400’s. Guys and gals, Acowlytes all, I loved every one of them. But I’m only awarding two prizes today, as I mentioned. My commiserations go to those who aren’t taking home a trophy, but I’m afraid that the inimitable Joey Polanski (Sir) has done it again with his precise and far too believable:

CHILD ACTOR ENDS 18-YEAR CAREER

It was an early entry, but it really captured the idea. Joey, another trophy for the cupboard, I guess. Congratulations.

And the award for the biggest laugh (although that was mighty hard to get down to just one) was for Cissy Strutt’s:

CULT MEMBERS ADDICTED TO STATING THE OBVIOUS
We literally can’t stop, they claim

I dunno. Even now it makes me laugh.

Thank you all for your stirling efforts, and for contributing to the ever-escalating heights of Cow Humour.

The Cow Salutes You!

Over-enthusiastic salesman in shop during Xmas madness:

This is a unisex scent, and both men and women can use it too.

He said what?

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Thanks to Atlas (who else?) for bringing this to the attention of The Cow.

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