Tetherd Cow Ahead

In this modern age, pretty much everyone is aware of Global Warming and the threat to rising sea levels which it poses. But I stand before you today Brothers and Sisters of the Church of the Tetherd Cow, to remind you of another evil which slowly seeps upon us. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about the menace of Global WooWoo and its rapidly rising Oceans of Stupidity – great raging seas of Brobdingnagian nonsense that threaten to wash away every last grain of precious logical sand from the few remaining Islands of Rationality.

Take the fad for ‘magical bracelets’, which has been with us for some time, but now seems to be gaining a new lease of life if the prices being charged for these meretricious trinkets is anything to go by.

Exhibit 1: The Ludicrous QLink:

Q-link® works by balancing out the body’s energetic fields. Many liken Q link® to a microchip. Q-link® is programmed to each wearers unique human resonating or energy emitting frequency. Like an acupuncture treatment works to restore the body’s energy flow, so too does Q link® work to help restore energy imbalances in the body.

Yeah, I bet. Sounds like it probably gets rid of fleas too.

QLink first surfaced some years back as a magical pendant, but has now increased in range to magical necklaces, magical watches, magical rings, magical ‘cell phone protection’ chips, magical bracelets (above) and magical USB devices. I kid you not. Go take a look. And the Shoo!Tag™ people better watch out because you can even get a QLink for your pet. Of course, the magical benefits of QLink don’t come cheap – the bracelet pictured above will set you back $199.00. Many liken that to a tidy sum for a bit of cheap metal.

Some famous people who endorse QLink are: Oprah Winfrey, Tony Robbins and Madonna. The Cred-O-Meter is pinning at zero as a result. I bet Tom Cruise has a couple too.

As usual with these kinds of devices, the makers of QLink claim that their product delivers a grab-bag of diffuse and unverifiable subjective benefits for a pantheon of complaints. Woo at its finest. No science, no accountability, no conscience.

According to the website, QLink utilizes ‘Sympathetic Resonance Technology’ (SRT™) that exploits ‘a new class of energies’ including ‘subtle’ energy:

‘Subtle energy refers to a physical energy, such as electromagnetic or acoustic, that is of such low intensity that we have no means of measuring it presently. It is a physical field of very low magnitude.’

So it uses a form of energy that can’t be measured? Interesting. I’ll leave it to you to ponder, then, how anyone can know it actually exists, let alone corral it to do anything.

Exhibit 2: The Preposterous EFX Performance Edge::

EFX is an embedded wearable holographic technology designed to maximize performance and overall well-being by increasing balance, strength, and flexibility. EFX’s technology consists of frequencies that are highly compatible with both humans and animals on a cellular level

Hmmm. Sounds strangely familiar. The Psychic McGuffin in this case, though, is not a magnetic strip but a ‘hologram’ attached to the devices, which is supposed to deliver all kinds of wondrous benefits. The swindlers peddling EFX have also resurrected the hoary old carnival pony of applied kinesiology as a demonstration of the ‘effectiveness’ of their cheap trash. I defy anyone to make sense of the idiotic demonstration video on the EFX website in which an oleaginous fellow pushes down on a girl’s arm while she balances on one leg to prove… what, exactly?

The EFX FAQ is a treasure trove of doublespeak and waffle words. You don’t even need to go past Question #1 to get the idea:

Q. What is the major benefit of EFX?
A. EFX helps restore natural in harmony to the body.

The effect is believed to stabilize and harmonize the body’s bioelectric current. When the body is in harmony, the muscles relax, cells un-clump, and blood circulation increases, allowing for greater stability, easier movement and pain relief.

Natural in harmony? Stabilize and harmonize the body’s bioelectric current? Cells un-clump? WTF? What does any of that stuff actually mean??? They just make it all up!

And further down the list:

Q. Is EFX Safe?
A.”Yes”

EFX does not emit any potentially harmful electromagnetic radiation
EFX is non trans dermal
EFX does not contain any restricted substance
EFX has not been evaluated by the FDA
EFX Safety results are available upon request.

Did you notice how not being evaluated by the FDA becomes an endorsement of safety? Genius!

As with QLink, EFX trinkets come in a variety of forms – wristbands, pendants, necklaces, energetic ‘dots’ (!) and best of all, socks. Yes that’s right – magical holographic pain-relieving socks.

Faithful Acowlytes, I know it defies common sense, and I sense you sitting there shaking your heads and wondering how anyone with the remotest wisps of intelligence can swallow this claptrap. But have no fear! As always, the boffins in the TCA Labs are one step ahead of us all, and in recent years have been beta-testing a device that will allow you to understand the thought processes of the intellect-challenged folks who fork out money for gew-gaws like QLink and EFX.

This morning it is my great pleasure to bring you the exciting news that CowLink™ is out of beta and shipping!

CowLink™ is a harmonic resonant energy focussing technology that uses Shoo!MAN Waves and FeelyGood™ along with time invariance according to Noether’s Theorem to actually reduce your capacity for any kind of critical thought whilst inside its field of influence.

Yes, my friends, with CowLink™ you will never again find yourself frustrated and flabbergasted at the sheer idiocy and slack-jawed gullibility of suckers who fall for implausible pseudoscientific hogwash, because, with CowLink™ you will think just like them! That’s right! CowLink™ is guaranteed to strip up to 100 points off your IQ and empty thousands of dollars from your bank account or your money back![tippy title=”*”]Conditions apply. See reverse.[/tippy]

But don’t just accept our word for it! Here’s what some of our customers had to say:

“CowLink™ worked for me! I bought one for everyone in my company!” ~ Sean McCarthy, Steorn

“I’ve been using the techniques behind CowLink™ for years! My personal astrologer has never been wealthier!” ~ Shirley MacLaine

“Without CowLink™ I would never have found the Fountain of Youth!” ~ David Copperfield

“CowLink™ convinced me to give up all my wacky beliefs and turn to science!” ~ Madonna

“Not only did CowLink™ reduce my capacity for logic to near zero, it eradicated the cockroaches in my kitchen! Send me another one!” ~ Melissa Rogers, inventor of Shoo!TAG™

OK, now someone tell me they’re not persuasive endorsements! The CowLink™ bracelet is hoof-crafted from meteoric brass, set with red eye crystals from one of the Seven Holy Mountains and blessed by George King. At only $249.00 (discounts for bulk), it’s a steal!

Buy yours today!

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*Conditions apply. See reverse.

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It was recently brought to my attention that the purveyors of the ludicrous Shoo!TAG™ have a bunch of clips up on YouTube that feature all manner of spurious claims. Since they have already demonstrated the scale of their ignorance here on The Cow, this will probably not come as a surprise to anyone, but seeing that there is virtually no balanced criticism of the product on the net, and because of their increasingly bad behaviour (see below) ((Oh, alright – and because I’m enjoying the sport…)), I feel obliged to bring to your attention some further egregious idiocy.

The Shoo!TAG™ YouTube presence includes a number of short vox-pop style grabs in a question-and-answer style, where various Shoo!TAG™ personages pose and then answer questions about the product. Here are two examples that talk about Shoo!TAG™ and EMF, or electromagnetic fields. For your convenience I have included the verbatim transcript of each segment under the video.

Q: Does Shoo!TAG™ use a radio frequency to transmit its signal?

Kathy M. Heiney: No! We use no radio frequencies, we use no harmful EMF frequencies. (We…) the Shoo!TAG™ is a Schumann wave based frequency which supports life.

Q: Are there any dangers associated with Shoo!TAG™?

Melissa Mowrer Rogers: Not to my knowledge. It’s chemical-free, it’s non-toxic, um… it’s made of earth-friendly frequencies and they’re… it’s not a EMF frequency that everybody’s worried about with cellphone towers and that type thing. It has nothing to do with that. So to my knowledge there’s really no dangers at all with Shoo!TAG™

Got that? Shoo!TAG™ DOES NOT use EMF frequencies. Oh, n-o-o-o-o – it uses ‘Schumann waves’. I guess that what they’re talking about (who can do anything but guess?) is Schumann resonances which, according to Wikipedia, are

… a set of spectrum peaks in the extremely low frequency portion of the Earth’s electromagnetic field spectrum. (emphasis mine).

In what we are coming to expect from these people as typical fashion, Kathy Heiney (in the top clip) is spewing forth some half-baked nonsense as if it’s meaningful, based on a very poor understanding of science. Aside from anything, Schumann resonances would be entirely impossible to generate from a magnetic strip on a plastic card. Let me quote from the Wikipedia article:

Lightning discharges are considered to be the primary natural source of Schumann resonance excitation…

Since the makers of Shoo!TAG™ have claimed elsewhere that it contains no power source, this is quite clearly nonsense. Of course, Schumann waves could be a completely different proposition, but unfortunately there is no reference to them in the entirety of the internet (except, again unsurprisingly, on various and sundry pseudoscientific web pages to do with an assortment of ‘mystical healing’ techniques).

In the second of these clips, Melissa Rogers, the other of Shoo!TAG™’s creative masterminds claims that the frequencies are ‘earth-friendly’ and ‘non-toxic’ – vacuous hogwash if ever it was uttered. She also vacillates on the level of her responsibility by saying that there are no dangers associated with Shoo!TAG™ to her knowledge. Lady, it’s your product. If you know what it’s supposed to do and how it’s supposed to work, then I’d expect a lot more confidence than you’re exhibiting here. ((Of course this is a characteristic ploy of all practitioners of pseudoscience – equivocate. That way, you can never be caught out. In the event that the scary Schumann waves cause bolts of lightning to erupt out of the Shoo!TAG™ she can’t be called to account.))

Elsewhere in the Web-o-sphere, we find the following interesting exchange on Yahoo Answers:

Bigger in TX: Has anyone tried the Shoo Tag and gotten good results…?

The anonymous ‘B’ (who I think you will agree has all the insight and scientific acumen of a certain Ms Melissa Rogers): I haven’t, but am considering. Here’s what I’ve found so far: A three dimensional or trivector signature has been imprinted onto the magnetic field of a three field magnetic memory card. This card is then hung around the neck of an animal and the magnetic field can stimulate the biology of the animal to build up defense to invaders. This is completely safe and proficient. In our preliminary farm tests the researchers found 75% less infestation of the insect pests when using the strips than in control populations. Further testing is presently being done in Europe. ((Notice how the narrative voice changes from an ‘interested’ third party (‘I haven’t tried it’) to an informed participant (‘our preliminary tests’).))

Source(s):
http://www.thehealingbarn.com/equine/shootagscience3.html
http://www.petconnection.com/blog/2009/02/13/global-pet-expo-keeping-the-dream-alive/ http://www.thehealingbarn.com/equine/shootagproduct.html

A ‘trivector signature’? A ‘three field magnetic memory card’? The testing is ‘being done in Europe’? If anyone was thinking I’m being unnecessarily hard on a couple of nutty and deluded but well-meaning duffers, this should make it clear that these people are cynical con-artists. They make these ‘cards’. They know full well that all this stuff they’re peddling is hooey. If there are any such tests as the ones they claim, where are the published results? (As if it’s going to come as any surprise, the ‘sources’ quoted in the answer’ are nothing of the sort and just link back to either the Shoo!TAG™ site or other sites that empty-headedly endorse the stupid thing).

Show us the science, Shoo!TAG™ That’s ALL you have to do. Show us the science.

I said above that the Shoo!TAG™ people are guilty of bad behaviour, so let me end on that note. When I saw some of the YouTube clips go up, I posted a user comment (as one is allowed to do on YouTube). This is what I said:

ShooTag is a useless gadget based on pseudoscientific thinking. Ask yourself this question: if it was anywhere near as effective as the makers claim, why hasn’t it been picked up by doctors fighting malaria in all corners of the world?

(The answer is, in case you didn’t guess: Because it simply doesn’t work.)

Someone almost immediately marked it as spam. In the grand tradition of baseless claims throughout history, the Shoo!TAG™ mob are resorting to gagging any criticism of their daft gadget. Of course, that’s all they can do because they are manifestly unable to defend themselves or their product in any credible fashion.

UPDATE March 2015: The videos I linked above – like much of the other stuff that makes the claims of the ShooTag people look so ridiculous – have been redacted from YouTube. Nothing quite like rewriting history to cover up your mistakes.

Seeing red? Feeling blue? Got aches and pains that just won’t go away? Tried whisky and aspirin and bonox and nothing seems to work anymore? Why not shed some light on the problem: the iPhone Pocket Pain Doctor is here!

Yes, dear Acowlytes, no matter what your problem, it can be solved by an iPhone app. And if your problem is a kinda sorta non-specific-type general one, then the right kind of app will obviously feature as its main operating principle – all together now – woowoo!!!

(The YouTube video has been removed for some reason. You have to imagine a long spiel from an unappealingly pushy man who shows you how you can make the iPhone shine coloured light on your skin. It’s far from persuasive).

That’s right Cowmrades – just by shining red or blue light on yourself using your phone, Pocket Pain Doctor will relieve all kinds of pain, make you more alert and cure your acne! Or, on the other hand, it might not. The bottom of the Pocket Pain Doctor site features this disclaimer:

BluWave and RedWave are not intended to treat or cure any disease. None of the statements on this website have been evaluated by the FDA.

(The Pocket Pain Doctor site has now been pulled, sadly. But unsurprisingly).

See, that’s the REALLY GREAT THING about woowoo! You can have your cake and eat it too! Your product may or may not work but people still pay you money for it. Marvellous!

Oh. But what’s this? There’s some references to ‘Clinical Studies‘ on the site! Hooray! This is bound to be enlightening… let’s see what we have. First a link to PubMed. OK, that’s impressive. It’s a draft of a paper (supposedly) called Seasonal Disorder & Body Effects Of Blue Light. ((It’s actually called “Action spectrum for melatonin regulation in humans: evidence for a novel circadian photoreceptor.” Do these people think that potential Pocket Pain Doctor customers are stupid? Oh.)) Hey waiddaminute! That’s got nothing to do with ‘Seasonal Disorder’ or blue light! It’s about the effect of light on melatonin suppression. OK – here’s another one from Modern Medicine: Blue Light Kills Acne Bacteria. Wow… so it appears. That is, if it’s catalyzing a chemical called 5-aminolevulinic acid! I wonder if the iPhone squirts some of that out too?

How about red light then? Here’s a link to a NASA article: Red Light Therapy Relieves Pain Naturally. Oh looky! It’s actually about how infrared light helps cell regrowth in a certain type of cancer, minimising the pain as a result. What about Red Light Relieves Arthritis Pain & Muscle Injuries? Well, that’s a link ((On a site called Healing Light Seminars – now that really looks reputable.)) to a pdf that appears to be a list of double blind clinical trials – but not including the findings of those trials! And anyway, they are trials of an entirely unrelated kind – various methods of infrared laser treatment. Just in case anyone isn’t clear on this – your iPhone does not emit infrared laser light. I’m astonished that anyone can get away with this kind of complete fakery.

In a comment on the home page of the Pocket Pain Doctor site, the person who created the app complains that over on Engadget they gave his toy a bit of an unfair bashing. From his tone, one might even come to the conclusion that this guy believes in what he’s pushing. But that’s a little hard to accept when you see the duplicity involved in those links to ‘scientific evidence’ that he has provided. At best he misunderstands what he’s reading and actually thinks his sources offer some kind of substantiation of his idea. At worst, his ‘corroboration’ is deceitful.

In any case, it’s all about to become academic. Down in the Tetherd Cow Ahead labs, the boffins have been hard at work on this very concept, and I’m sure it will not surprise you at all to hear that they have perfected a new technology which we call ChromaCow™. Incorporating the technology behind the TCA Virtual Glass of Water™, ChromaCow™ offers you everything that you get with Pocket Pain Doctor, only IT’S ABSOLUTELY FREE! Best of all, TCA Labs is introducing a third, even better alternative to RedWave™ and BluWave™ – YelloWave™! With TCA YelloWave™ active on your computer, we UNRESERVEDLY GUARANTEE ((Guarantee may not be guaranteed.)) that the true nature of your innermost self will be revealed to you!!! Simply click on the icons below for the complete ChromaCow™ experience! (Make sure you do them all in order or your spectral chakras may become misaligned, resulting in mood swings, sour milk or even anal haunting).

So off you go Faithful Cowpokes – tell all your friends that they need no longer waste their money on woowoo in the iPhone app shop when they can get it here at Tetherd Cow Ahead FOR NOTHING!

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(Thanks once more to Atlas for putting me on the trail. I suppose that now I really am going to have to give him a prize for the Pickled Herring Poetry Contest.)

The BBC reports that:

A group of rabbis and Jewish mystics have taken to the skies over Israel, praying and blowing ceremonial trumpets to ward off swine flu.

OK. Someone remind me again which century we’re living in. Oh that’s right! The one after the one when they invented powered flight.

The article goes on to say:

The flu is often referred to as H1N1 in Israel, where pigs are seen as unclean.

Well duh! If the little porkers had washed their hands after visiting the piggy bathroom they wouldn’t have gotten the flu in the first place.

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Thanks to Kirke for bringing it to the attention of The Cow

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Dear Cowpokes. Sometimes one is beset with a problem so vexing and, er, personal that it’s difficult to know exactly where to turn for help. One such problem is Anal Haunting, and that is the topic of today’s discussion.

Yes, you read correctly – today we’re going to examine the problem of what to do if a ghost takes up residence in your ass. ((And by this I don’t mean ‘in your donkey’. That’s an altogether different (and, in the light of today’s discussion it has to be said, somewhat prosaic) kind of haunting.))

Over on Haunted America Tours someone by the name of Maryanna Chatelaine Moresby addresses the issue of ‘Sex after ghost hunting – exorcisms of a womb or anal ghosts: And when is the right time to have sex afterwards?’

You think I’m making it up, right? Or that someone’s having a leg pull, right? Oh no dear Acowlytes – by now you should surely know that when it comes to woo-woo, there is nothing under the sun that I could invent that would be as daffy as things some people really believe.

Maryanna has an awful lot to say on the subject of paranormal sex and I simply can’t cover it all – I don’t have the time and besides I’m almost exhausted from laughing so much. So for the purposes of this post, I’ll focus on the terrible ordeal of Maryanna’s husband, Riley, who, it appears has a chronic anal ghost problem. This is Riley:

The bright flare at the bottom left of Riley is an anal apparition. Hey! STOP LAUGHING! This is serious. According to Maryanna:

My husband Riley has had an anal ghost infection on several occasions in the past few years. The phenomena can be very disturbing and unnerving. And the word frightening does not equate to the level of panic it caused me.

Riley, it seems, is a ghost hunter, and his nocturnal adventures appear to have had some unexpected consequences:

At night laying inn bed after a ghost hunt with his group he would begin to let out gas. The stench was horrible. It smelt like something dead and raw sewerage.

After ghost hunting. R-i-i-i-g-h-t… Just in case you couldn’t make it out, Riley’s shirt says: If you can’t stand the heat, go get me a beer. I’m thinking that Riley has the grin of a man who really likes his beer. And his curry.

But wait! Maybe I’m being hasty…

It even formed word with the sounds of his flatulence. And it went as far as cursing out individuals in restuarants, Church and a funeral of a close relative.

Yeah, sure – I know how that goes: “I swear! Maryanna! It wasn’t me it was the ghost!”

The intense passing gas attacks my husband had actually produced audible words that clearly sounded like a man speaking with a gruff or raspy voice.

Is it just me, or is that something people want to hear a recording of? I mean really, the day my arse starts forming legible words, you can be sure I won’t just be fondly recalling the memory on some website. But what kinds of things did Riley’s sphincter have to say?

It would say ” You Are F——g Doomed!” in a farty sounding voice like sound. Or, “Mutha F__K, He Is mine until the day he dies!”

Yes, OK, well, I can see why that might not go down so well at a funeral. Maryanna goes on:

at first I thought it was Riley just playing games with me, throwing his voice like a ventriloquist, until the black diarrhea started while he was still asleep in his favorite chair.

Erk. Okk. I mean. Black diarrhea? Please! The image of Riley and his favourite chair soaking up a puddle of black diarrhea is really something I wish hadn’t formed in my brain..

If the voice from his anus was not enough when it grabbed the sheets and starting pulling it inside him! I was petrified and chilled to the bone, ready to run for the hills.

STOP LAUGHING! Riley is sitting in his favourite chair covered in black diarrhea, sucking sheets up his bum and you’re laughing. Some people.

Besides suffering from intense pain my husband would feel it move inside him like a clawing animal. Once it even blew out the candles on my mothers birthday cake from across the room. And the stench was like a dead skunk and a refrigerator that had lost power for two weeks and was full of food.

Wha… I… cggglfl… how? And… Truly I am at a loss for words. I feel that the only option we can take at this point is to take Maryanna’s lead and pray to St Michael:

† Oh great Angel St. Michael hear my prayer.
Please in your divine justice and wisdom remove this ghost that infest my bowels and anus.
Remove this foul ghost from me as you did the Devil from Heaven.
In your wisdom bless me and free me from this evil affliction now and forever.
† Amen

But even if St Michael successfully intercedes, the road to a happy and normal life is still fraught with difficulties:

After the removal of a real womb or anal ghost it’s not just you that might not feel like making love!

That’s right Cowpokes – an anal ghost problem shared is an anal ghost problem halved! If an anal ghost has been ruining your sex life, you might want to take some of Maryanna’s tips for dealing with the aftermath:

•Talk to each other about how you feel. Voice your fears!

•Be gentle with each other and build up to things gradually. Avoid the anus and vagina if it was recently haunted.

•Avoid penetration of these areas and concentrate on caressing and oral sex the first few times. The ghost might try to return or another take it’s place.

•Spend more time on kissing, caressing and foreplay to aid arousal.

•If you have dispelled a Vaginal ghost: Until your hormone levels are back to normal your vagina won’t lubricate itself very well, so try using a water-soluble lubricant.

•If you are in pain from a an anal ghost removal You may also find a warm bath and lubricant will help.

•Try different positions if you feel discomfort. And keep an eye in a mirror to see if you can see the ghost trying to return.

And please, if you get any pictures, you know where to send ’em.

You may remember that, in the ‘wine horoscope’ post a few days back, I said that ‘hokum flourishes in places where there is a substantial amount of subjectivity and a stratosphere of opinionated ‘experts’’. Wine is not my field, so aside from pointing out the obvious ridiculous claims made by the wine sellers in that particular case, I’m not really qualified to comment on the mechanics of the business with any technical authority.

There is another field, though, that is rife with its own 101 Flavours of Claptrap that I am qualified to take on, and that is the mysterious club of ‘high end home audio’.

It’s hard to know where to start with ‘professional’ hi fi. There is so much misinformation and gobbledegook that pretty much wherever you turn there’s some implausible gadget or other for improving your sound, from gold-plated connectors, through pens that make CDs ‘clearer’ to (quite unbelievably) expensive wooden knobs* for your amplifier. And that’s not even tippy-toeing into the world of serious audio fruitcakes.

But today I’m going to examine the simplest, and perhaps the most exploited of all hi fi components: speaker cables. The hyperbole spouted by the vendors of these products is voluminous. Their ‘oxygen free, polarized di-electric, elevated-off-the-floor, cryogenically chilled’ cables will make your muddy cloth-filtered music sound like it’s been triple-washed in Persil! It’ll come out of the speakers at a fidelity beyond studio quality!

What’s going on here? Can some bits of wire really make that much difference? Well, yes and no. First of all there’s an important point to note about speaker cables – they carry a much higher level signal than anywhere else in the audio chain because it is amplified. In practical terms, what this means is that your actual modulated raw audio signal is at its most powerful going from your amp to your speakers. Why is that important? Because at this time the electrical signal is bumped up way beyond the noise level of all the other components in the system – most of the stuff that can be done to affect the fidelity of the signal itself has already been done.†

That being said, what becomes significant is the best way to get the electrical signal from out of your amp into your speakers with the least impediment possible, and this essentially comes down to one thing: providing the happiest and least reactive conduit for your excitable electrons to travel along. Now there are some mitigating factors involved: no matter how good your path is there is some wear and tear on how well the electrons fare. They are effected by the quality of the conductor, the distance they have to travel and other electrical phenomena such as capacitance and inductance. But here is the critical point: none of these are really much of a problem in ten feet of speaker cable. In addition, even if you were able to demonstrate some non-optimal electrical artifacts over such a short distance, it is unclear what effect, if any, these have in relation to audio fidelity.‡

So. What is the most important factor to consider in getting your electrical signal to your speaker? Just one thing: lots of copper. Copper is a terrific conductor of electricity. It’s very kind to the electrons as they pass though, giving them the easiest path to travel that they could ever want. And when we’re talking about ten feet, all being said, that’s really not that much copper.

I’m now going to give you a tip that will save you hundreds of dollars and make your hi fi system sound as good as the very nerdiest of your audio-buff friends: for your speaker connections, forget all about the oxygen free, diode rectified, dipped-in-chocolate, used-only-by angels $1000-per-foot Pear cables** and instead just use a good quality twin core electrical cable.

That’s it! Use some wire like this and no-one on the planet will be able to tell the difference between it and the most expensive cable you can buy! I found the stuff above for less than $2 a metre and you can do even better than that. Sum total for speaker cable for my studio: $45. And that’s for a full 5.1 sound set up, with 6 speaker sources.

Audio buffs like to pontificate ad nauseum about the how much difference the supposed ‘high end’ speaker cables make but to those of us who work in the business they just look like idiots – we don’t use those kinds of cables! So what these people are claiming is that they can hear better sound in the reproduction of the material than we heard when we made it! That, of course, is an absurdity of the highest order.

I’d like to end with a true story. Many years ago, a hi fi aficionado acquaintance of mine invited me around to hear his new system. He had spent many thousands of dollars on components, and waxed lyrically about his new speaker cables, which, he said, had improved the fidelity of his music by an impressive order of magnitude. Knowing about my skepticality of such claims, he swore that even I would notice! He sat me down and pressed play on one of his favourite jazz recordings. Could I perceive a superior sound quality? Was I astonished at the clarity of his sound? Well, not so much – I spent a more than a few minutes coming to grips with the fact that his speakers had been wired out of phase, a much more egregious degradation of the listening experience than even speaker leads made of string would have inflicted. And something that he had not even noticed.

I’m not suggesting that all hi fi buffs would make such an obvious mistake, but the thing is, my friend had invested so much money and faith in his audio gear that he had little choice but to believe that he was witnessing superior sound reproduction. And I do suggest that this phenomenon, like that which we saw at work in the ‘wine horoscope’ hoodwink, has more than a little part to play in influencing the subjective experience of listening to recorded music…

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*It seems pretty clear to me that the most significant knobs in this equation are the ones forking out the money. Seriously – read the blurb on the link to the ‘Silver Rock ‘Signature’ knobs and tell me that the manufacturers aren’t having a very good laugh at the silly hi fi twits’ expense. You’d be forgiven for thinking it really was a joke, if this very same company wasn’t selling speaker cables for over a thousand dollars…

†Excluding, of course, what is done by probably the most important component of all – the speakers themselves. But we’re not talking about speakers for the moment – that’s a whole other ballgame.

‡Another sign of the magical thinking involved in high end audio comes in the form of the following dichotomy: hi fi buffs will argue till they’re blue in the face that analogue sound is superior to digital sound. They insist that there is something called ‘warmth’ that comes from analogue that doesn’t make it into the digital world. Why, then, are they so happy to eschew the old, simple twin core speaker cable used on nearly every analogue hi fi system ever made up until about the late 1970s (when the hi fi craze really started to take off)? What if the old cables contributed to that warmth…? Paradoxes such as these are another flag for spotting pseudoscience.

**James Randi put forward his famous Million Dollar Challenge to the makers of Pear cables, to demonstrate in a double blind test that their product would outperform a cheap good quality cable of the same length. Predictably, after first calling the Challenge a hoax, and then (as is so often the way) resorting to ad hominem attacks against Randi, Pear’s CEO Adam Blake refused to participate. This is an unequivocal admission of flim flam. If your product performs as claimed, you can only come out of the Randi Challenge looking absolutely golden (with the added advantage of $1000,000 cash in your pocket). If you back out, then this surely indicates that you are afraid that the results will not bear out the hyperbole in your marketing. This, in turn, indicates that you are deluded or a swindler.

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