Tetherd Cow Ahead

Since I’m casting down moral aspersions from up here on my high horse (or high cow, should I say)…

It’s plain to see that in this modern world the original Ten Commandments are, well, not keeping up. It’s obviously time for a re-write to put the Commandments in line with what appear to be the acceptable modern morals. So, herewith, The New Amended Ten Commandments:

TenCommâ„¢ v2.0 (beta)*:

1. Thou shall have no other God before me. Except if that God is Mammon. Then it’s entirely OK. (If your God is Mammon, skip the rest of TenComm 2.0. It will all be old news to you).

2. Thou shall not take the name of the Lord in vain. Except if you slam the car door on your hand. Or use the name of the Lord to promote commercial endeavours such as candy, mortgage schemes or especially your new Pentecostal-style church.

3. Thou shall observe the Sabbath and keep it Holy. Except if the football is on. Or if you have to rake in some money from your new Pentecostal-style church.

4. Thou shall honour thy father and thy mother. Except if they try to instill in you some kind of thoughtful moral standards and sense of empathy for your fellow human. In which case do all that you can to disappoint them. (Special Dispensation: if you are a clone, you may ignore this Commandment).

5. Thou shall not kill. Except if undertaking ‘Crusades’. Then it’s OK to kill, maim, rape, steal and, oh heck, break every one of TenComm v1.0. In general it’s OK to kill at any time if you invoke the name of God. It’s especially OK if at some stage in the proceedings the victim has invoked the name of his/her differing God.

6. Thou shall not commit adultery. Except if you are a prominent member of the Church, a politician or an influential business person (or Hollywood personality), in which case it’s perfectly OK. Oh, also, if you’re concerned that you are committing adultery, then just get divorced.

7. Thou shall not steal. Except if you can do it without getting caught. Or if you run a Pentecostal or other cult-style church, in which case you may steal a tenth of the salary of the suckers who join up.

8. Thou shall not bear false witness. Except if you are in a postion of power, such as the church, police force, or especially the government. In which case, just rearrange the facts to suit your story, and then make that the law.

9. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s wife. Unless she is Paris Hilton, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, etc, in which case, covet away. Don’t get caught.

10. Thou shall not covet thy neighbour’s oxen. Because who really wants an oxen, right? They are big and dumb and will shit copiously on your carpet. You may, however, covet with impugnity your neighbour’s plasma tv, Porsche Boxter, or Armani suit. In fact you are encouraged to do so to keep the economy lubricated.

Stay tuned for Seven Deadly Sins v2.0. Coming soon.

*All readers of The Cow are elgible to be in the beta test program. Bug reports accepted in Comments.

Well, the Moon being in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligned with Mars, I’ve decided to use the conjunction to combine a few things that people have asked me about at one time or another. Jill was enquiring about our edible native animals, and jedimacfan and Universal Head have both shown an unhealthy interest in Australian ‘Big Things’.

So herewith, for your viewing pleasure, the scourge of The Great Southern Land, the Giant Rabbit.

Yes, I know, technically not native animals, rabbits, but by golly, they may as well be there are so many of them.

The rabbit originally comes from Spain, you know. I’m sure it is a darling happy little critter as it hops around Spanish meadows. Here, it is a hideous feral menace.

The rabbit was introduced to Australia very early on. Opinions as to dates vary. There were rabbits on the First Fleet (1788), but it is generally accepted that the real problem didn’t start until about 1859 when a small number of rabbits was released for hunting purposes.*

The introduction went something like this:

Englishman: Australia, this is the rabbit. Rabbit, this is Australia

Australia: Pleased to meet you Rabbit!

Rabbit: Howdy Do! (thinks: ‘Jiminy Cricket – the whole freakin’ place is EDIBLE!’)

Think Hansel and Gretel seeing the witch’s cottage, but with no witch.

Of course, while they were small, rabbits were hard to control and that was bad enough. But then the British, not content with just letting the jumping pests loose in the first place, carried out their atomic tests in Maralinga in the 1950s*, creating the first mutant bunnies, leading to the mega-Rabbit and all the disastrous consequences that followed. In the photo above you see a misguided attempt to usefully re-skill this Giant Rabbit, a government initiated project that was doomed to disaster from the first hop.

*Some things in this post are factual.

Yes folks, we can reveal that after a lengthy and heated correspondence between Mr Brown and the Tetherd Cow Ahead History Department the author has acknowledged that his other book missed the mark by a country mile.

He has agreed to amend the numerous philosophical and historical errors in that previous work and tell the story the way it really happened.

In line with an agreement hammered out between TCAâ„¢ and Mr Brown’s publisher, all copies of that previous book are be taken from the shelves and replaced by even weightier volumes of The DaVinci Cow*.

What breathtaking secret does Mr Brown reveal in this new and controversial work? Well, all I can say is, that as Christmas approaches you would be well advised to note the Nativity scene and just who else was in that manger on that fateful night…

*The Cow is indebted to jedimacfan for using his considerable influence to obtain for us, at great personal risk, a sneak preview of the cover…

UPDATE: From around the globe, fragments in the puzzle that is The DaVinci Cow are already starting to come to light:

Fragment 1
Fragment 2
Fragment 3

UPDATE (2011): All the above links are now non functional. Coincidence? I’ll let you decide.

A couple of days ago my toaster went on the blink in a bizarre red beans and rice incident.* It is one of the frustrating things of this modern age that when domestic appliances break down it is often more expensive to have them repaired than to replace them. With toasters this is evidently always the case as I have learned from past experience. So instead of even bothering to get a repair quote this time, I just gritted my teeth and headed off to David Jones to find a new one. My previous toaster was a Russell Hobbs two slice and I was completely happy with it. It did not for a moment occur to me that what I really needed was The Metropolis.

Film aficionados are aware that the amazing design in Fritz Lang’s cinematic masterpiece Metropolis extends to all details of the production including the character props such as watches, clocks, jewellery and haberdashery, but it is rarely noted that even the kitchen appliances in the film are carefully crafted to complement Lang’s futuristic vision. It is said that Lang himself, unhappy with the original maquettes for the toasters and blenders in the film, took an active part in their realisation.

Rough sketches of the toaster shown in the scene above still survive, penned by the unmistakeable hand of a director with a thousand things on his mind, but driven to perfect even the tiniest detail.

Now, after lengthy negotiations to secure access to these sketches, Italian company DeLonghi has been able to to create an almost perfect replica of one of Lang’s favourite props.

I believe that DeLonghi also intend to release a blender modelled on the one that features in the famous sequence with the evil scientist Rottwang and the electrical activation of his robotic Maria. The company is being very secretive about it, so details are hard to come by, but you can rest assured that when the news breaks you will hear about it first here on The Cow.

*Don’t ask.