Tetherd Cow Ahead

Longtime readers will remember the story of The Prowler and how illustrator Kevin Cornell realised him in frightening watercolour on his great site over at Bearskin Rug (go there now and be amused).

Kevin was kind enough to send me an artist’s proof of his Prowler watercolour which I recently had framed in an appropriate manner. I am now awaiting the refurbishment of the crypt so that I may hang this wonderful rendering on the wall, flanked, of course, by two sputtering candles.

This is how the finished piece came out!

The vine unpruned, and the neglected peach,
Droop’d from the wall with which they used to grapple;
And on the canker’d tree, in easy reach,
Rotted the golden apple.

…and here’s wishes for an unsettling and bump-filled night to all my readers.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting pretty tired of the standard vague, equivocal horoscope in the daily paper astrology section.

Here’s what it says for me today:

Libra ~

Change your thinking and you can change the way you see the world. You cannot change others; but by planting positive thoughts instead of focussing on the negatives you will soon find that you view things very differently. You have the power within you to make this sweeping change, so don’t wait, do it now.

Talk about lame. It couldn’t be much more wishy washy if it said:

Libra ~

Today, some things might happen and some other things might not.

It’s pretty obvious to me that horoscopes are lagging behind the times. While the rest of the world surges forward on the digital wave of the 21st century, astrology seems stuck in a Medieval morass of mediocre mumblings. We’re watching The Present in high definiton widescreen with 5.1 surround sound but Athena Starwoman is still drawing our Future in stick figures with charcoal on a piece of vellum!

The time for the crystal ball gazers to ditch the goat’s blood and tea-leaves is long past due! Someone needs to turn the mighty power of modern technology toward Astrological ends, and far be it from me to shirk such a worthy duty! Yes folks, I’m announcing a New Age in Astrological Augury here on The Cow: The TCA Horoscope of Infinite Detail™. Starting today our specially appointed Tetherd Cow seer, Iotas Scrivener, will periodically bring you a horoscope that says it like it means it. None of this ambivalent pettifogging and indecisive hedging-of-bets for Iotas. Using only the latest Beyond-The-Veil connectivity and our lightning fast Psychomantic data loggers, Iotas plugs into the Ethereal Ethernet and brings back your weekly prediction in crisp clear digital detail.

Iotas fired up the mainframe for a special preview this morning and is overjoyed to hand down the current forecast for Libra:

Libra ~

This week brings two suprises. The first will come tomorrow, as you stick a fork into your toaster to dislodge a piece of burning cinnamon loaf that you unwisely cut too thick for the slot. The second surprise will occur on Wednesday after you have been discharged from the hospital, when a man in a green felt hat gives you five dollars in the mistaken belief that you are a pan-handler. On Friday you will buy a lottery ticket with the money which will have a number only two digits different to the eventual million dollar prize-winner. On Saturday you will see a duck eat a snail. Friends will buy you a beer on Sunday night but it will have a slight taste of mould. Beware of a woman with a lisp – she wants to sell you an expensive insurance plan.

Iotas claims that not only is the detail enhanced in these predictions, but that the accuracy is better than 99.72%*

I’ve had a special preview of some of the other Star Signs for this week, and all I can say is Aries, you are one lucky son-of-a-gun!

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*The state-of-the-art quantum processors that Iotas uses compute simultaneous outcomes in an infinite number of parallel universes. Whilst the accuracy of the results is guaranteed, the TCA Horoscope of Infinite Detail cannot be held responsible if the outcome of the prediction is not applicable in the universe in which you reside.

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Now I know that hardly any of you are going to believe this, but here is a scar on my wrist that I have only recently noticed.

I have no idea how it got there. All I can think is that maybe I brushed against a very small crucifix at some stage, and didn’t notice the burning smell.

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Pil, Universal Head, Cissy Strutt, Nurse Myra and Violet Town, among others, can all endorse the veracity of this if required. But you know everything I report here is true, right?

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What my house will look like when the renovations are finally completed…

My one and only feature film appearance.

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I also wrote the music.

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