Tetherd Cow Ahead

Well, as noted in the Comments on the Yuliya post, my Russian friend was very eager to get back in touch. I received her delightful correspondence within hours of firing off my reply:

Hello my dear friend Anaglyph!!!

Thanks a lot for your answer. I’m really happy. Well, I guess, my letter was a bit unexpected for you and maybe you were surprised. Frankly speaking for me all this is extraordinary, it is the first time I’ve come to the Internet cafe and used the Internet to meet a man. Well, I’m a little confused and even do not know what to start with.

As I have already said I’ve never used this means of communication before. When I saw your profile, I decided to write you as you are a handsome man. But I really didn’t expect that you would answer.
And now a few words about me. Well, my name is Yuliya, it is my full name, but my friends call me just Yulya. They say I’m a kind and generous person. I’m also a religious woman and go to church regularly. As you know, I’m 32. I used to be married but my husband died 3 years ago and now I live just with my dad. I’m quite a tall woman (170 sm) and weighs 55 kg. I was born on the first of June, 1976. I am Twins. And as it is the beginning of summer, I like when it is warm outside and all is green.
My favourite colour is red. I like tulips very much. These flowers are associated with spring and sun. They usually bloom in March. Like many women I also like roses.

I can call myself a backwoodsman as I was born in a far away Russian city Murom. To be more exact in a village nearby but after some time my parents decided to move to the city. After finishing the school I studied in State Pedagogical University at the faculty of History. At first I worked as a teacher in a school but for the last 4 years I’ve been working in a library. Though I do not earn a lot, I enjoy this job greatly. Sometimes I’ve got a chance to have some extra work, e.g. give some private lessons at home, and prepare students to exams and entering to some Institutions. However it is quite hard to combine all this as I work 5-6 days a week and from time to time I have to take some work home. Besides we’ve got a lot of extra events at work such as exhibitions, open classes, meeting with writers, poets and painters.

Well, I hope you are not bored reading all this. What else can I tell you?

As for my hobbies I’m fond of cooking very much. I’m really good at it and can imagine a great number of recipes. It is only necessary to have some free time, a lot of products and then I can cook a magnificent meal.

Well, I guess that is all in short. It is a very serious step in my life as I decided to get acquainted with a man, write him first and do all this with the help of the Internet. I just wanted to find my good fortune here. Anyway nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I just want you to know that I’m a very serious person and I’m not playing any games. I’m an educated middle aged woman and want to find a real man. It doesn’t matter how old he is, whether he is rich or not, the most important thing is to love and respect each other and all left can be gained together. Besides that is not important where he lives as I will come to him anywhere if I feel that he really needs me. However I’ve never been to other countries but do believe there can’t be any obstacles for a real love. Maybe I’m naive and still believe in love. But I am sure I’ll be happy.

Dear, Anaglyph I will look forward to getting your letter. Could you write me about yourself, your family, traditions, where you live, what countries you visited and what you know about Russia.

So, wish you all the best.
Take care.
Regards, your new friend from Russia, Yulya!

I replied post haste, this time in English. Let’s see if I can get her to actually read my letter, rather than fob me off with another generic reply:

Hello Gorgeous Yuliya!

May I call you Yulya at this early stage? I don’t want to get too personal, but even though I don’t know you well I feel already that we might become very good friends!

Yulya, your prompt reply made my heart leap! I thought that when I sent off my letter I might never hear from you again, since that has often been the way in my dealings with women. Imagine my surprise to find your letter and three photos when I checked my mail this morning. I must say, you are a very attractive woman, and do not look at all like you could be 32 years of age!

I am very interested to hear that you are a twin. I wonder if you have a picture of yourself and your sibling. Are you both girls, or is your twin a brother? Does your twin like double jokes, since you yourself do not seem so keen on them?

Yulya, I am concerned that you did not respond to my questions about humour in my other letter – did you like my joke? I wonder if it translates the same into Russian? Do they have Buddhism in Murom? Do they have hotdogs in Murom?

I am very pleased to hear that you attend church regularly. As you know, I am a Reverend at the Church of the Tetherd Cow and I have told my congregation about you. They are all very excited that I have found a new friend from Russia. It all seems so foreign to us! They are also very eager to hear more news from Murom.

Today was a great day for me Yulya – I received a telephone call from my agent in Argentina who says that the demand for chupacabras is very high at the moment, in spite of the global financial problems. He expects that I should be able to send two shipments from my farm in Ireland this year – that should mean a very good profit for my company!

I loved seeing your pictures and would like to see more! I have included some pictures of me this time – there is one of me on my farm (chupacabras in background – yes, I am very brave to be so close!).

I have also sent you a couple of other pictures of me, all taken this year (I guess you have seen some of them on my profile).

Don’t worry about the other people in the photographs – they are very dishonest people who have been quite hurtful to me in this last year. That is a part of my life that I don’t want to think about too much now, so I won’t go into that. Let’s just say that that these people have cheated me out of a large amount of money and that I expect it to be returned soon when the trial finishes.

Well Yulya, I had best finish up for the moment. I need to go out on the farm and feed some babies to the chupacabras. It’s very hard work, but it pays well, so I don’t complain. I hope this finds you well, and I would love to hear more about you and all parts of your life.

Your new friend
Reverend Anaglyph
Church of the Tetherd Cow

PS – You asked what I know about Russia, and I have to say ‘Not very much!’ As you know, I was quite surprised to read your email, not having actually written to anyone in Russia.

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Just in case anyone is concerned that ‘Yuliya’ is a real person, let me assure you that she is not. The address that she first contacted me on is one of my public email addresses that is spammed about three or four hundred times a day. ‘Yuliya’s’ letter is only one of dozens like this that I’ve read. At the very least ‘she’ is being duplicitous (she never ‘saw my profile’ anywhere, nor got my email address through any legitimate channels), and I fully expect her to ask me for money in one or two emails. I detest scammers and fraudsters of all breeds, so I have no compunction making her the butt of Cow humour.

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Faithful Acowlytes! Imagine my surprise and joy this morning to receive an email from the beautiful Yuliya, to whom I recently wrote on the matter of ‘love and sensations among people’. ((I can’t actually remember doing that, but she seems fairly sure that I did, so who am I to argue?)) Yuliya even included, most thoughtfully, a picture of herself! As you will no doubt have perceived, Yuliya is a professional semiotician, and with this portrait she is using semiotics to reflect her thoughts: the Christmas hat indicates that ‘all my Christmases are about to come at once’ and the object she is holding shows that she has ‘the key to my heart’. The gold handcuff-like bracelet signifies that she wants to be my Eternal Love Slave. Although Yuliya is from Russia, language poses no barrier when your true love communicates with symbols!

Yuliya has obviously been thinking long and hard about how best to convey her intentions to me. To make things absolutely clear, she has also outlined her yearning in words. Taken together, the semiotic subtext of the image and the sincerity of the email are persuasive evidence that Yuliya is completely hot for me. Here’s what she said (I’ve omitted some things, as much of it was boring personal – I’m sure you’ll understand):

hi, dear
Please, do not be surprise – this letter is not a spam one.
You will probably be amazed of the fact that I am writing you an e-mail.
Yesterday I myself was amazed too, when saw your letter in my e-mail box.
The letter was about love and sensations among people. The motto of the
letter was like this search for love and you’ll become happy! I liked
this letter very much.
I would like to know more about you. Providing that it is me who is
the first to write, I want to say some words of my personality.
My name is Yuliya. I am 32 years old.. I from Murom it in (Russia). To me
of 32 years. I the widow. My husband was lost in automobile failure!!
I am cute, calm, kind and sociable.
I think it is interesting to talk with you and discover new features of
yours! Discover you as a person. I am a serious woman and I am looking
for serious relations. For me it means no deception, no double jokes. I
am looking for a real person who will manage to love and respect me. I
hope you are searching for your love, too.
I do not think that in love-relations age and appearance have any
importance. The chief factor for me is ability to love and respect
seriously!
I have lots of hobbies and interests in life. Among them you will find
sport, cooking, books reading and definitely music. I am going crazy
about housekeeping and house holding. I like tiding up and general
cleaning. I am keen on experimenting in my kitchen. I love changes.
I am fond of animals and prefer to lead a healthy lifestyle, thus, I
do not smoke or use alcohol.
Hey, my new pen-friend. What can you tell me about yourself? I want to
learn more about you.
In my future letter I will describe my character and my personality more
precisely.
Definitely, I will send you some of my photographs. It will help you to
understand who I am and where I live. My photos will reveal all parts of
my life – my happiness, my pensiveness and sometimes melancholy.
I am looking forward to your reply. I am really interested in knowing you
better.
Remember of me.
my e-mail – yuliya.b76@gmail.com
Your new friend,
Yuliya

Of course, I wrote back to Yuliya immediately –

Oh Yuliya, my Maiden from Murom!

Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it just to please you, Yuliya! I am so terribly sad to hear of the automobile failure that claimed your husband’s life. I myself am no stranger to that kind of tragedy, and I can only imagine how lonely you must feel. I am a little older than you, at age 51, but I see that you are not too concerned about that. You sound like exactly the kind of woman I am looking for, and even though you describe yourself as ‘cute, calm, kind and sociable’, I think you are being a little coy by leaving out ‘sexy’, you naughty thing!

I think love and respect are very important also, and, if you wear attractive lingerie, I am sure I can manage to love and respect you, as you desire. Although I also do not hold with deception, I’m not sure I could give up double jokes, which I find quite entertaining. For example:

A man walks up to a Buddhist hotdog vendor, gives him five bucks and says “Make me one with everything”.

The hotdog vendor hands him a hotdog and the man says “Don’t I get any change?”

The Buddhist hotdog vendor looks at the guy, raises an eyebrow, and says “Change comes from within.” ((Actually, this is a triple joke, if you account for the rather philosophical concept of a hot dog seller being Buddhist.))

I think you must agree that a double joke such as that is trés amusing, and it would be a shame not to have some humour in our relationship. Thank you for telling me of your hobbies – they do sound intriguing, although I’m not really very interested in sport (unless it’s of the kind that can be performed in the bedroom). I must tell you that on the first read-through of your letter, I failed to notice the comma between ‘cooking’ and ‘books’ and hence for a moment had the amusing image in my head that one of your hobbies was ‘cooking books’! Hahaha! In my country, that is a slang expression that means ‘to be dishonest with your accounting’ (I know that you would never be dishonest, Yuliya, like so many women from your country who attempt to entrap lonely and desperate foreign men and fleece them of their money).

I understand that you like to experiment in the kitchen, which I find an especially appealing trait, as I’m very fond of science myself. I suppose you have done that great trick with dairy whitener and a candle flame? That usually gets a few laughs at parties. Perhaps if (dare I say ‘when’?) we meet, we can whip up a big batch of methyl glycol on the cooktop!

Yuliya, I would like to go into depth about my interests and hobbies here, but I think just a brief mention will be suitable at this time. By profession I am a religious man and distributor of hessian underclothing. I have to admit that the latter is also a personal interest, along with collecting old enamel buttons, unusual and rare moths, and tags from other people’s luggage. I own a large country estate in Ireland, where I raise baby chupacabras for the cryptozoology industry.

But enough about me! I would very much like to see some more pictures of you, particularly those revealing all parts of your life. Don’t be pensive and melancholy Yuliya! True love is surely just around the corner for us!

Please reply soon!

Your distant friend and admirer (and should I hope… future lover…?)

Reverend Anaglyph
Church of the Tetherd Cow

Of course, I had it translated into her native language, just so there would no confusion. This is how Babelfish says it should appear to her:

Oh Yuliya, my girl from Murom!

Half of what I speak meaningless, but he tells him exactly to if you please you, Yuliya! ((Ha! I bet you never thought of putting it like that John Lennon!)) I am so terribly sad to hear the failure of automobile which it claimed the life of your husband. I itself any stranger to that kind-hearted of tragedy, and I can only represent as lonely you must feel. I a little is older than you, on period 51, but I see that you that not too perturbed about you. You [zvuchaete] as accurately the form of woman I search for, and even if you describe in proportion to `dear, calm, form and sociable’ , I think that you a little shy by way to leave out of ‘ sexy’ , you are capricious thing!

I think that love and respect it is very important also, and, if you bear attractive female [bele], then I are assured I can govern to fall in love and to respect you, in proportion to you desire. Although I also do not hold with the fraud, I am not confident I could give the upward dual jokes, which I consider sufficiently entertaining. For example:

Men goes for a walk to the Buddhist supplier of hot sausage, he gives to it 5 [sametsov] of deer and he speaks that “make me one with all”.

The supplier of [khota]- great dane entrusts to it hot sausage and man speaks that “I obtain no change?”

The Buddhist supplier of hot sausage looks guy, raises eyebrow, and speaks that “change it comes from within. ”

I think that you must agree that dual joke as that is well amusing, and it would be shame not have certain humor in our sense. You for to tell me your hobbies – they [zvuchayut] sufficiently [intriguyushch], although I am not actually very interested in the sport (if it will not be form which can be carried out in the bedroom). I must say to you that on the first of read-through of your letter, I did not know how to note the comma between cooking `and by the books `and consequently for a moment had amusing image in my head that one of your hobbies was `cooking books’! Hahaha! In my country, the expression of slang which means `in order to be dishonestly with your of accounting (I know never that you were not dishonest, Yuliya, as so many women from your country which ask to catch lonely and desperate strange people into the trap and fleece of their [deg]).

I understand that you love to experiment in the kitchen, which I consider specially appealing feature, in proportion to itself very [lyubyashch] of science. I do assume that you it did make that it was large trick with the whitener of dairy and the flame of candle? That usually obtains a little laughter on the parties. Possibly if (laugh I say when’? `) we meet, then, we can shake up upward on a large series of methyl glycol to cooktop!

Yuliya, I wanted would be to go into the depth about my interests and the hobby here, but I think that exactly briefly mention will be [sootvetstvuyushch] at this time. by profession I am religious person and distributor Hessian underclothing. I must admit that latter also personal interest, together with to gather old enamel button, unusual and rare moths, and tally from the luggage of other people. I to have the large property of the country in Ireland, where I raise chupacabras of baby for the industry of cryptozoology.

But it is sufficient about me! I greatly much wanted would be to see still some images you, in particular those showing all parts of your life. No pensive and melancholy Yuliya! True love it is confident exactly around the corner for us!

If you please answer soon!

Your distant friend and admirer (and the lover of hope the I… future…?)
Saint anaglyph is the church of the cow Of tetherd

Not having any great skill with semiotics, I thought it best not to include a ‘coded’ picture of myself in this instance. I am afraid that I might send Yuliya the wrong mesage and scare her off.

Anyway, now I guess it’s a waiting game. Will Yuliya get my letter? Will she be impressed by my obvious wit? Will she get the Buddhist hotdog seller joke? Dear Cowpokes, stay tuned for more news from Murom in future Cow Posts, with the possible added frisson of further pictures of Yuliya – perhaps even a few revealing all parts of her life!

Today I was gratified to receive in the email a generous incitement from ‘Martha’ to SUPERSIZE my TOMATOES!! In order to persuade me that this was a great idea, Martha was offering me ‘3 GIANT Tomato Trees’ for ONLY $10.00! And, if I ORDERED TODAY, Martha was also willing to send me ‘3 big early hybrid tomatoes as our gift!’

Yes, I was a bit confused too – am I paying for three tomato trees, or getting 3 tomato trees as a gift? Or am I paying for tomato plants and getting 3 tomatoes as the gift? Who ships tomatoes? What is a giant tomato tree anyway? Is it like a giant beanstalk? Do tomatoes grow on trees? All these things were swirling around in my head as I gazed at the big picture of…

Wha?

Wheat? And is that…?

Opium poppies! Yes! Opium poppies! See for yourself:

Am I right, or am I right?! Opium poppies and wheat! Or perhaps it’s rye, wildly incubating ergot fungus? Hang on, where are these people anyway? I’m going to write to them…

Datura street? Datura street? C’mon! That’s made up…

Nope. There it is. In Florida (thank you, Oh Wondrous Google Street View!)

So. People selling ‘giant tomato plants’ and opium poppies with LSD, from Datura St, in Florida. I’m almost inclined to send off the $10 to see what I get back…

Spam Observations #50

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a Spam Ob – not because I no longer get spam, oh no, no no! I still get veritable dumptruck loads of the stuff every damn day. It’s just that it’s all now become a great grey wash of boring blandness – an Ocean of Dull, if you will – and not worth even the smallest amount of The Cow’s attention. Not at all like the halcyon days of Wondercum, the quaint capers of Victorian punting or the musings of the Great Spam Poets of yore.

Sigh.

However, this morning, clearly demonstrating that brevity is the soul of wit, ‘Leon Aldridge’ sent me this:

From: leonaldridge@scumsuckingspammers.com
Subject: You will never see a disappointed look on woman’s face again.
Date: 12 March 2009 9:55:30 PM
To: reverendanaglyph

If you are not a chicken, go get this magic pill right now.

Now, ask yourself this question: If a chicken were to disobey this instruction, and went to fetch the magic pill, would any women witnesses really be disappointed?

Spam Observations #49

This morning I received a very touching letter from Rick Hadley, or perhaps from the very pretty, but evidently lonely, Olga. I wasn’t quite sure. Spammer Gender Confusion strikes again. At least Rick/Olga sent me a picture of “herself”.

Hi my friend!

I only wished to write to you the letter and to tell as in general my letter got to you! First I would like to speak a little about myself my name is Olga to me 29 years I live in Russia to Kirov. All the others wash data and a photo in the appendix to the letter data.

Olga, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. OK, I get that you live in Russia and you’re 29. But unless you’re trying to attract a geek with a laundry fetish, I’d lose the data washing. And even though I’m sure your appendix is as hot as the rest of you, a photo of it is something you might want to keep to yourself for a second date. With a surgeon.

I was in agency of acquaintance and to me advised yours e-mail the address I do not know whence they him took but they gave me yours e-mail that I could have acquaintance to you.

‘Whence’…? Nice. We do tend to mostly avoid it these days though. Personally, I like it and would happily see it make a comeback, but I think I’m in a small minority. I’m also partial to ‘heretofore’ and ‘wherewithal’ though they don’t get much of guernsey in day-to-day conversation either.

And I only wanted that you have spent about 10 minutes both looked wash a photo and wash data and received from you the answer you would like to have acquaintance to me or you only would not like this?

There we go with the washing again. If Olga is a bot, I think her data has been washed a few too many times.

Tell to me I so only the nobility it much would like. Also I shall wait much your answer.

Olga, I would very much like to oblige, but I am not at all sure what the question is…

I started to search the man as to me very alone and 29 years and I do not have man if you wish to begin with me correspondence or easier to begin acquaintance tell to me your answer. I shall wait much!

I hope your new friend well I hope that I can become for you friend Olga ! Can you send me you photo and story life on my e-mail

Olga encloses with her email a document with a strange name which I assume to be Russian for pleaseturnmypcintoaspamzombie.exe. Now, I don’t like to keep poor Olga waiting much, so, with the help of Babelfish, I’ve responded to her in her native language:

Дорогое Ольга,

Вы для вашей электронной почты. Я надеюсь что это находит вы наилучшим образом. Я нет на все уверенном чего вы значите запитком ваших данных, но оно звучает завораживающий. Я так люблю получить корреспонденцию от милых девушок в зарубежных странах. Какое обслуживание! Откуда, смогу я спросить вам, сделал вас найти мой адрес электронной почты? Я полюбил бы увидеть фотоснимок вашего приложения если вы имеете одно. Я буду держать его прикалывано к моему noticeboard для других насладиться. Вы никогда не знаете, один из моих одиночных мыжских друзей могло бродяжничать мимо и увидеть оно! Я надеюсь услышать от вас очень скоро.

Искренне ваш
Преподобное

Doesn’t that look convincing! This is how Babelfish says it should appear to her:

Dear Olga,

You for your electronic mail. I hope that this finds you in the best way. I no to entire confident of what you you mean by washing your data, but it is casting a spell. I so love to obtain correspondence from dear women in the foreign countries. What maintenance! From where, can I ask to you, he did make you to find my address of electronic mail? I would fall in love to see the photograph of your application if you have one. I will hold his to my of bulletin board for others to take pleasure. You never know, one of my single man friends it could wander by and see it! I hope to hear from you very soon.

Sincerely your
The Saint

I hope she doesn’t keep me waiting much with her reply.

Spam Observations #48

Acowlytes! I think you can understand the great honour I felt this morning when I received a personal correspondence from Kofi Anan at the United Nations:

From: kofianan111@yetanotherspammer.com
Subject: Good News
Date: 12 June 2008 8:04:09 AM

Well, sure, not the Kofi Annan, who spells his surname with an additional ‘n’, but a Kofi from the United Nations nevertheless:

UNITED NATION COMPENSATION UNIT,
IN AFFILIATION WITH ZENITH BANK.
Send a copy of your response to official
Email: zenith_bank3000@burnyourcash.com

OK, OK, so that’s Kofi Anan from the United Nations Compensation Unit, as opposed to Kofi Annan ex Secretary-General of the United Nations…

ATTN: Sir/Madam,
How are you today? Hope all is well with you and family?,You may not understand
why this mail came to you.

Kofi, you know what? I think that I probably have a pretty fair idea why someone from Nigeria pretending to be Kofi Annan of the United Nations is writing to me…

This email is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the
world, the UNITED NATIONS have agreed to compensate them with the sum of US$
150,000.00

OK, so to clarify, the UNITED NATIONS is offering to compensate ‘all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world’ to the tune of $150,000 each? Even without doing much research I think that’s gonna be a pretty hefty figure. Quite honestly, Kofi old mate, I would have thought that the United Nations had much more important things than that on which to spend its money.

Or maybe what you mean is that the $150k has to get divided among everyone. In which case, I don’t think it’s going to stretch much beyond buying them each a Tic Tac. If that.

(Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars)

Whoa there boy. It’s suddenly $500,000.00 in the space of a line break? That’s better, sure, but I still think you’re underestimating your commitment.

This includes every foriegn contractors that may have not received their contract sum, and people that have had an unfinished transaction or international businesses that failed due to Government problems etc.

Yeah. ‘All the people that have been scammed in any part of the world’ pretty much covers the bases. Prolly didn’t need to single anything out in particular.

We found your name in our list and that is why we are contacting you, this have
been agreed upon and have been signed.

Hang on there sport. What’s been agreed upon and signed? with whom? What list? A hit list? Honestly, it’s all just been in good fun here on The Cow! Isn’t that right Cowpokes? (Everybody nod!)

You are advised to contact Mr. Jim Ovia of ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC, as he is
our representative in Nigeria, contact him immediately for your Cheque/
International Bank Draft of USD$ 150,000.00

Dang. Back down to $150k again.

(One Hundred fivty Thousand United States Dollars)

Yep. Definitely 150 now.

This funds are in a Bank Draft for security purpose ok? so he will send it to you and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. (Oh it’s all so dreary after attempt number two million..)

Why do these people persist? How can it be that there is anyone left on the planet that still falls for these things? Now, in what must be surely a parody of the new trend in Hollywood to make remakes of remakes*, we’re getting scams about scams!

Seriously, think about it: just saying you bought one of these Nigerian scams in the first place, and lost all your money, how STUPID would you need to be to fall for THIS ONE? Kofi Anan must have set his sights on the most moronic of the dimwitted. Surely he’s narrowed his potential victim base beyond all reasonable hope of success. Are there actually people in the world with control of any proper money who are that cretinous? Really? Name one!‡ Oh. Right.

Making the world a better place
Regards,
Mr. Kofi Anan

Kofi, I sincerely doubt that.

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*What is with that? Re-remakes of Batman? Re-remakes of The Incredible Hulk? You know, someday someone’s going to re-remake Flash Gordon and ruin it! (That’s a joke of a form that maybe only Cissy Strutt will understand)

‡I read somewhere the other day, that for the amount of money that George Bush has cost the USA with the invasion of The Iraq, a 500 person colony could have been established on Mars.

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