Tetherd Cow Ahead

An ineluctable ritual of the ticking over of the new year is the scramble by ‘psychics’ to predict a bunch of things that are going to happen in the year ahead. You may have seen Sylvia Browne throwing her hat in the ring recently with a whole bunch of waffly crap like ‘There are going to be some tornadoes somewhere’ and ‘Jennifer Lopez might be pregnant’. Here at The Cow, we believe that if you’re going to do some predictin’ then you ought to stand on your principles for God’s sake, and be specific.

So, seeing as Sister Veronica has been indisputably accurate with her horoscoping talents in this respect, I thought she might like to give the ol’ clairvoyance a shot. OK babe, take it away! Give us five predictions for 2007!

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There we have it peeps. Sister Veronica has predicted. We’ll check in a years time to see how she did. I’m feeling pretty confident…

Cowlexâ„¢ in association with Tetherd Cow Ahead is excited to bring you a new fragrance from the creators of Brimstoneâ„¢ and Lamb of Godâ„¢: Sister Veronica’s Vibrance – an Experience BEYOND Perfume…

Dear Sister Veronica,

Do you live with Reverend Anaglyph in his house? Do you think he will ever post an entry about his Mysterious Corner ever again?

You are so hot,

Michael

Hey Michael!!! Props!

OMG I think U must be a PiScEs, rite???!!! Coz PiScEs is the St@r sIgN of CURIOSITY + MYSTERY *wink*….. I think U kno what I mean… LOL!!!

Now U R as BAD as PrOwL3r – tryign 2 find out where I live!! *blush*……. wot would tha R3v3r3nd think!! He is SUCH a kind man, and alwayz haz pl3nty of fluffy white towels 4 me! LOL!

As 4 **Mysteriouz Korner**, he tellz me that there is a surprize coming up SOON!!!! OMG I can HARDLY WAIT!!!!!

I know U REALLY wrote to find out your St@Rz 4 this week, am I rite?? Well, looking at yr ch@rt I see ***LOTS*** of ☆☆☆RoMaNcE☆☆☆ heading yr way *wink*…. but coz Pluto is in the ascend@nt, and its, like, NOT A PLANET anymore, watch out 4 ppl who R NOT what they seem!!!!!

Also this w33k, yr lucky numb3r is 23 ** and yr lucky color is GREEN!! ** and yr lucky vegetable is TURNIP!!!

Yorz Trooooly…

XOXOXOXOX

Sister Veronica has some kooky idea that we need to start getting the barn ready for the Christmas Nativity Scene.

I don’t quite know what she has in mind, but the cows seem to be making an awful lot of noise.*

Warning: NSFW (unless maybe you are a vet).

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*The explanatory notes for Brigitte Niedermair’s ‘Holy Cow’ are here. Personally, the artistic statement sounds to me like a big steaming heap of bullshit.

Thanks (I think) to jedimacfan for sending me to this image that will probably stick in my head all day.

It’s a miracle!

So, I was making toast in The Metropolis and when I took out the perfectly toasted slice, what did I see but an image of the Virgin praying! OMG!!!*

Oh, very well, yes, I admit, first of all I had stamped it with the Holy Toast Bread Stamp from ‘Fred’ so I wasn’t as surprised as all that.

But it does look good in the toast rack.

Now, what to spread on a piece of Virgin toast? Vegemite? Marmalade? Decisions, decisions.

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*Sister Veronica is helping me out with a few tips on making The Cow “really hot and ready to pa-a-a-r-t-y!!!“

Thanks go to Our Man in New York, Sarah, for the wonderful Holy Toast Stamp.

It has come to my attention that my readership numbers might be handicapped owing to the fact that I am not a cute twenty-year-old chicky-babe with a MySpace profile and nothing to say.

Now this may appear to be something of an obstacle for a forty-eight-year-old bloke who likes to shoot the breeze about the big topics like religion, science, net politics and accurate spelling, but as the Reverend of The Church of the Tetherd Cow I am ever-mindful that The Cow moves in mysterious ways.

Indeed, even as I was despairing that I may never see the likes of three or four hundred MySpace friends filling my life with inane platitudes and incomprehensible teenspeak, there was a knocking at the cloister door, and a destitute creature with no worldly possessions other than the clothes on her back stumbled in from the driving rain. As I towelled the poor wretch dry in front of the abbey fireplace, I knew that the solution to my increasingly barren Comment pages had been sent to me via a Divine Miracle.

So, faithful Acowlytes, let me introduce to you Sister Veronica* who will be popping by from time to time in order to help me make an unashamed grab for increased visitor numbers.

You can even write to her, for advice on personal matters or astrology, a field in which she tells me she is an expert.

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*Sister Veronica’s likeness appears courtesy of Scumbag Russian Spammersâ„¢ and Photoshop