Tetherd Cow Ahead

Residents of Lenoir County, North Carolina, have got it into their heads that this kudzu vine covering a utility pole about a mile south of the town of Kinston ‘bears a striking resemblance to Jesus’ crucifixion’.

A local citizen, Kent Hardison, almost took to the weed with pesticide until (we can only presume) God stayed his hand.

‘You can’t spray Jesus with Roundup’, he is quoted as saying in the Kinston Free Press.

I’m not entirely sure about that. I couldn’t find anything in the Bible actually prohibiting such an action. There’s definitely no Commandment that says ‘Thou Shalt Not Spray the Son of God with an Herbicide’.

In any case, how can the good folk of Lenoir know that God intends this obvious manifestation of His awesome power to be Jesus anyway? Maybe He had something else in mind and they are completely failing to understand the significance of His message?

Suggestions as to what God is actually trying to say to the people of Kinston are very welcome.

According to Family Radio, the world begins to end today, May 21st at 6pm in each Earth time zone…

Blogging it live:

•6pm: Auckland, New Zealand. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Cloudy, light wind)

•6pm: Honiara, Solomon Islands. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Drizzle)

•6pm: Melbourne, Australia. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Mostly clear, prominent cricket chirping)

•6pm: Tokyo, Japan. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Fair, light breeze. Hmmm, I could do with some sake)

•6pm: Beijing, China. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Fair. Some air pollution)

•6pm: Hanoi, Vietnam. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Business as usual)

Yawn. I’m going to bed. I’ll continue in the morning. If we’re all here. I guess. See you then.

•6pm: Dubai, United Arab Emirates. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Not even a rumble)

•6pm: Moscow, Russia. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Happy-go-lucky)

•6pm: Jerusalem, Israel. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Quiet as a manger)

•6pm: Zurich, Switzerland. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Your money is safe)

•6pm: London, United Kindom. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Buses running)

•6pm: Reyjavik, Iceland. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Wow, this is a really empty time zone… hey what’s this… volcanic activity? That looks promising.)

•6pm: Fernando de Norhona, Brazil. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Even emptier!) ((This is the only major city in the world with this time zone, apparently.))

•6pm: Nuuk, Denmark. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Whistling wind)

•6pm: New York, USA. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Zzzzzzz.)

•6pm: Kansas City, USA. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Slight breeze. Well, OK, tornadoes… but it’s not like that’s unusual or anything for Kansas…)

•6pm: Salt Lake City, USA. TCA Status report: Still standing. (Looks like the Mormons are OK.)

•6pm: Las Vegas, USA. TCA Status report: Still standing. (If ever there was a city that God had his eye on…)

OK, Acowlytes. I think we can call it. The Rapture and the End of Civilization hasn’t happened. Family Radio and Harold Camping have proven themselves (once again) to be completely deluded by their irrational beliefs. Chalk up another one to rationalism.

Ah, you gotta love the combination of the internet and the tendency for people in large numbers to suddenly lose all capacity for coherent thought. The Guardian reports today that, probably due at least in part to a Facebook group called 11 Maggio Terremoto a Roma, thousands of people in Rome believe that the city is destined to be destroyed by an earthquake tomorrow, May 11.

And it is, supposedly, all because of the predictions of a self-styled ‘geophysicist’ by the name of Raffaele Bendandi.

It will not surprise you to learn that Bendandi, who died in 1979, was not any kind of proper scientist. Despite being awarded a knighthood by Mussolini, he had no formal scientific training and none of his research was ever supported by independent corroboration. The many ‘theories’ that he advanced in his lifetime were not inhibited by actual factual content. Among other things, Bendandi advanced an hypothesis for the flooding of Atlantis and believed that he had discovered a planet in an orbit between the sun and Mercury.

But here’s the best part – the rising panic in Rome appears to be the result of some idiot somewhere getting his wires crossed. Bendandi didn’t actually ever predict an earthquake for May 11, 2011. According to Paola Lagorio, the president of an organization who looks after Bendandi’s legacy, there is no such indication in any of the the writings attributed to him. Someone just pulled that right out of their ass (Paola Lagorio didn’t say that, you understand, but I bet she was thinking it).

But hey – Rome is the where the Pope lives, right? Why don’t the people who think there’s going to be an earthquake just pray to God that it won’t happen? ((I’m betting that the Venn diagram of People Who Are Very Religious in Rome and People Who are Very Gullible in Rome has a pretty big area of intersection…)) Oh, yeah, right. I guess they will, and that’s why it won’t happen. Silly me.

Be sure to tune in tomorrow Faithful Acowlytes, in order that we might comprehensively ridicule all those Romans who took their kids out of school and fled to the countryside. You know you want to.

___________________________________________________________________________

Thanks once more to Atlas for bringing this to the attention of the Cow.

From the Tetherd Cow Ahead Annunciation Funnies.

Episode 5: The Sermon on The Virgin.

For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle ((See also ‘poundals’ and ‘slugs’.)) shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.

*Christ! This is one big mother!

___________________________________________________________________________

The font used in The Adventures of Pocket Jesus (aram44.ttf) features genuine Aramaic characters and is used with permission of Mr. G. S. Dykes

Acowlytes! The End of the World is nigh! Really! OK, yes, I know I’ve said it before, but this time it’s going to happen! I swear! And a full year before the Mayans said it would! ((Dammit. I haven’t got my End TImes accomodation organized yet! I thought I had another whole year.))

On May 21st, 2011, according to a Christian broadcasting ministry called Family Radio, God is going to finally wipe the slate clean and remove from the face of the planet the festering disease that is humanity. ‘Judgment Day May 21, 2011. The Bible guarantees it!’ they holler – it’s written in no uncertain terms in Ezekiel 33:3!

Let’s just dial that up, shall we?

If when he seeth the sword come upon the land, he blow the trumpet, and warn the people.

Er… hmm. No May 21 date there, as near as I can tell. Just more of the same ol’ same ol’ as far as ‘end times’ prophecy goes. But Family Radio claims they have Infallible Proof of the date and they’ve set it all out here. ((Really, don’t bother. Your brain will just collapse in on itself.)) There you go. Judgment day written in stone for May 21, 2011.

Mark the day in your diary, because you can be sure we’ll be visiting them to get their explanation for the no show of God and his Heavenly Hosts. Will it be a mathematical error? Will it be a misinterpretation of the biblical prophecy? Or will it be that God has just given the lot of us away as a bunch of no-hoper losers?

Stay tuned to Tetherd Cow Ahead End Times Radio for the Countdown to Apocalypse!

(Seriously, I wonder how these people, many of whom have given up their entire former lives to ‘spread the word’, are going to cope when Judgment Day doesn’t happen. How does a brain resolve an absolute prediction like that not coming true?)

___________________________________________________________________________

Big thanks to Atlas for the find.