Tetherd Cow Ahead

What my house will look like when the renovations are finally completed…

I am totally indebted to TastesLikeChicken! for pointing out to me the wondrous inventions available at Global Trade Purveyor alibaba.com. There can be no doubt at all that this is where Angelo does his shopping.

Of particular interest are:

The Flattener Chicken Machine:

“Our machine has the capability to crush 24 chicken breasts per minute, and with the thickness of a ham slice. With this you’ll have an extra-flat chicken breast. It is really a money machine!!!“

Because, well, yeah, everyone knows that Flat Chicken Breasts = $$$$!!! And fast? Yessirree, this machine is a license to print chickens!!!

The Vegetarian Chicken Modeling Machine:

“Used to shape the soybean food production suck as vegerarian chicken. The vegetarian has long-tested and its performance enjoys very high reputation from our clients that this machine is easy to operate and run smoothly with low failure rate.”

First, take your Soybean Food Production Suck. Then shape a Vegerarian Chicken from it. Could anything be simpler? Or more gag-inducing?

The Vacuum Suck Machine:

“The vacuum soybean-suck system is composed of vacuum soybean-suck machine, vacuum barrel, storage barrel, bean-sucking tube and dia. 80 plastic tube 10m.”

Yep, nothing sucks like this machine. This is one mothersucking sucker. If you need your beans sucked, look no further!

Of course, the question still remains: why do people call me when the damn things break down?

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Chicken image courtesy stock.xchng

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And since we’re on the subject I feel obliged to bring this to the attention of Cow Readers.

Don’t go there if you’re squeamish. You have been warned.

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Thanks (if that’s the right word) boingboing!

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I was reading recently some opinions voiced by a psychologist that young people today are in desperate need of proper role models to inspire them onwards into their adult lives. I can only concur with this assessment. Everywhere I look I see pint-sized emulations of trashy fashion celebrities, talentless entertainers and shady sports stars. We’re heading into a world where everyone will dress like hookers, sing like… er… hookers and cheat and lie to get ahead because they think that being on top is the only thing that counts.

Where are the true inspirational figureheads for the coming generation?,

For my own part, I attribute the achievement of my upstanding moral character and practical apprehension of the world to one guiding light in my teenage years. From matters of sexuality, through family relationships to issues of Law, this one man was my moral compass and my spiritual guide.

How could any teenage boy fail to be affected by his joi de vivre, his savoir faire, his generosity, his sartorial flair? He had everything any man could want: a good relationship with a beautiful wife, a happy home and family, money, and interesting hobbies. He was a man of the world, and a man who had travelled the world. He was a romantic in the proper sense, adept at fencing, yoga, dancing and knife-throwing and he could indulge in all these passions without dropping his cigar.

I am, of course, talking about this man.

Hey! This just flashed up on my screen! What the…?!*
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*Actually I know exactly what’s going on, but it was weird for a split second…

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I thought I might share with you all some search queries that have arrived at my blog.† Some of these I can understand. Some are disturbingly kinky. Some are so baffling that I try not to think too much about them.

Verbatim:

•man having sex with cow

•wife porn

•lordi+eurovision song contest+itunes

•batteries taste like happiness

•penguin burger recipe

•sunny delight drink cow sperm

•aliens hump their self videos

•cow sound

•free cow sex movies

•cows taking over the world

•things that rhyme with cow

•cow pond

•see him squirt on a cow

•women looking for sex on the side

•500ad-800ad

•humpback whales + the big bang theory

•explanation for the existence of dreams

•cream pie jpeg

•battle of cow pews report

Batteries taste like happiness? Aliens hump their self videos? Wha? Are these people on crack?

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*Just so if anyone searches for psychomanteum they will end up here. What? You don’t know what one is? Well then…‡

†I have omitted ‘Wondercum’. It accounts for more than all the other searches put together but still, somehow, it seems kinda… predictable…

‡How I love the self-referential loop…

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