Tetherd Cow Ahead

Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahhahahahahaha!

Oh shit, let me just catch my breath.

Hahahahaha! Hahahahaahahhaha!

Allow me to present you with two sentences from abovementioned ‘source’:

A conservative encyclopedia you can trust.

And in the entry on Evolution:

Creationists can cite material showing that there is no real fossil evidence for the macroevolutionary position and that the fossil record supports creationism.

Conservapedia’s front page trumpets:

You will much prefer using Conservapedia compared to Wikipedia if you want concise answers free of “political correctness”.

… to which I would add ‘… or any actual basis in reality’

I propose that the editors should re-think the name of their site and maybe retitle it as ‘Put-Your-Head-In-A-Bag-opedia’

Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahaahaahahaa! Oh look – a handy sandstone block! I think I’ll smash my head against it a few times.

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Special Universal Head Advisory: Pete, don’t go there. It will ruin your day.

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Some Questions, Some Answers and Some Observations

Sally sent me this today, and I am forced to make the assumption that Sally is in cahoots with Fountain-In-The-City on account of the strikingly similar accomplishments in the field of graphic arts displayed in The Secret Key and The Prophetic Code (of which you will recall I have spoken previously).

Let us begin.

The Questions: (if you feel so inclined, read them out loud in a deep reverberant voice for full effect):

What is The Secret Key?

I don’t know, but judging by the picture it gets you into a room with retina-scorching bright light. I am not entirely sure why this would be desirable.

Did you see the Oprah Show about the Law of Attraction?

No. Unless it was the one where Tom Cruise went bananas jumping up and down on the couch. I’ve seen that one. Is that typical of the level of credibility of Oprah shows?

Have you seen the movies The Secret or What the Bleep?

No. But I am familiar with the kind of dopey pseudo-science claptrap they peddle. Does that help?

Some Observations:

OK, this is what I deduce from a semiotic reading of this image: The man in the picture is definitely in need of The Secret Key. At least, he really needs to get into the room with the all the Persil-level luminance since he’s evidently having a lot of trouble making out his Ancient Wisdom by the light of a solitary candle. The hourglass is telling me that he’s running out of time, and the globe of the world under his arm obviously indicates a trip to foreign climes, perhaps to join forces with Tom Cruise on one of L. Ron Hubbard’s old ships to look for hidden treasure. The thing in the top left of frame looks suspiciously like a mandrake root and from this I conclude he intends (once he has some decent lighting) to make an homonculus. He possibly intends the homonculus to be interviewed by Oprah.

Aha! The whole thing falls into place! It’s so frighteningly clear that I knew exactly what I would see when I clicked on the link!

Did you?

What my house will look like when the renovations are finally completed…

Well faithful Acowlytes, wonder of wonders, The Cow is two years old today! Yes, some 730 days ago the first Cow post hit the blogwaves and there has never been a dull moment since. Well hardly any. OK, the occasional one, then.

Still, you have to admit, there have been some laughs along the way, and there’s even been the occasional chance to improve your Knowledge-Base of Useless Things*. You don’t get that from most of these johnny-come-lately bandwagon blogs, do you?

I’m not at all sure that you’ve been paying enough attention though, so today, an Easter Egg hunt through the archives. Namely, ten questions about Cow Lore. There will be a prize for anyone who gets all ten correct (really!) Supporting evidence will be taken into consideration. The judge’s (ie my) decision will be final and no correspondence will be entered into. Oh, maybe I’ll accept bribes if they’re to my liking…

Are you sitting comfortably. Then pencils up.

•Q1: Where is the Cow Level? (Answer #1)

•Q2: What cologne does Daffy Duck endorse?

•Q3: Where on the main Cow pages does a portrait image of Sir Isaac Newton appear?

•Q4: True or False – perfume genius Luca Turin once visited The Cow in person?

•Q5: What does Allah’s Messenger deem a significant act of Satan (leaving aside sneezing, drowsing, menstruation, vomiting and nose-bleeding)?

•Q6: What world-famous politician’s wife made an appearance on The Cow, and what was she wearing?

•Q7: What kind of vacation does The Prowler favour?

•Q8: Where is the Cow Level? (Answer #2)

•Q9: In which second language is the Reverend fluent?

•Q10: What organic alternative to WONDERCUM does The Reverend recommend? (Oh, OK, OK, I stuck that one in just to boost the search results again…)

•Q11: What other evidence do you have that The Reverend is bad at counting?

OK, that’ll do pig. Answers on my desk by the end of the lesson (email your answers to [reverendATtetherdcow.com] if you don’t want to give clues away… I’ll put all the answers up in comments)
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Yes, there really will be a prize…

Images of cow & candles for the montage supplied by FreeFoto.com

*Hereafter called the KBUT

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This is a picture of the cake I had for my 21st birthday. No, I didn’t keep it all these years, it looked like that at the time. Everything except the candles are edible – the spiderwebs are spun sugar and the ‘mold’ is apricot jam and green food colouring.[tippy title=”¹”]And here you were all thinking that me being unhinged was a recent aberration…[/tippy] It was really quite delicious.

This year I turn 50. Sigh. Yes, it’s true. So I’m taking suggestions for a cake theme.

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¹And here you were all thinking that me being unhinged was a recent aberration…

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I was reading recently some opinions voiced by a psychologist that young people today are in desperate need of proper role models to inspire them onwards into their adult lives. I can only concur with this assessment. Everywhere I look I see pint-sized emulations of trashy fashion celebrities, talentless entertainers and shady sports stars. We’re heading into a world where everyone will dress like hookers, sing like… er… hookers and cheat and lie to get ahead because they think that being on top is the only thing that counts.

Where are the true inspirational figureheads for the coming generation?,

For my own part, I attribute the achievement of my upstanding moral character and practical apprehension of the world to one guiding light in my teenage years. From matters of sexuality, through family relationships to issues of Law, this one man was my moral compass and my spiritual guide.

How could any teenage boy fail to be affected by his joi de vivre, his savoir faire, his generosity, his sartorial flair? He had everything any man could want: a good relationship with a beautiful wife, a happy home and family, money, and interesting hobbies. He was a man of the world, and a man who had travelled the world. He was a romantic in the proper sense, adept at fencing, yoga, dancing and knife-throwing and he could indulge in all these passions without dropping his cigar.

I am, of course, talking about this man.