Tetherd Cow Ahead

‘Single mum fleeced of $8700 through Nigerian eBay scam.’

So screams the headline in this story from The Melbourne Age this morning, the exclamation mark surely struck off only minutes before it went to press.

When I started reading the article I had sympathy for the ‘single mum’ in question – apparently she’d been attempting to sell a PlayStation on eBay when she fell for a scam involving ‘paying for the shipping costs’ of the Nigerian buyer. Well, sure, to you and me even the very word ‘Nigerian’, when associated with the internet and monetary transactions, starts ringing alarm bells, but hey, not everyone out there in intertubes land is a savvy geek, right?

Those Nigerian bastards picking on our dinkum single mums! Why, I oughta…!

However, reading on, and picking out the threads of actual story from the sob story, I found my sympathy waning somewhat as the details emerged. It turns out that our poor single mum did in fact become suspicious of the transaction at some stage and contacted Consumer Protection, who told her in no uncertain terms to stop dealing with the fraudsters. She made her first major mistake at that point by completely disregarding the Consumer Protection advice and sending the Nigerians a copy of the email containing it.

Upon forwarding this email to the scammers, she then received fake emails back from them featuring WA ScamNet and WA government logos, which advised her to co-operate with Nigerian authorities.

The hoax escalated when the woman received a phony eBay email saying the case had been reported to Nigerian Police who then emailed her to say that the fraudster had been arrested.

Later, the fake police email told her that the courts and president of Nigeria had awarded her compensation amounting to $US250,000 ($278,000).

Aha. Now even the dimmest of us is stuffing cotton balls in his ears to drown out the clanging sound. It doesn’t take much to predict the next step. In order for our poor battling mum to get this $US250,000 she was asked to send the ‘Nigerian Government’ a ‘bank transfer fee’ of $US7000 so that the money could be ‘released’ to her.

I don’t know about you, but I just can’t see myself sending off a cool $7k to someone in Nigeria who I don’t know – someone whom I’ve never even heard of – on a promise, even if they do have a nice Nigerian Government letterhead. ((The matter of the SEVEN THOUSAND DOLLAR bank fee notwithstanding. It’s no wonder the Nigerians need money if their banks are screwing them that bad!)) But that’s exactly what Ms Single Mum went ahead and did. I think it’s reasonable to assume that she didn’t just have a spare $7k lying around the house, so she plainly went to some effort to round up the money. WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?! Well, I guess that was actually a rhetorical question – what she was thinking was ‘Jesus, Mary and Joseph! I’m gonna be RICH on Nigerian money!!!’ ((Even though I don’t want to seem to be endorsing these Nigerian scamsters, you really have to admire how they’re evolving. Now that they realise that everyone is onto their scam they’re turning the scam itself into a scam. ‘The Nigerian government is SO distressed at all the problems caused by these terrible terrible scammers that we really want to give you money to compensate you!’))

Apparently, once the situation became plain she told Consumer Protection staff she felt ‘violated’ by the scam, but I suggest that what she really felt violated by was the realization that her own greed had gotten her into deep shit. People! I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – if something on the internet (or anywhere) seems too good to be true, it probably is!

The real flub here, though, must fall in the laps of the press (again). What is it with the ‘victim’ story here? Who the fuck cares if the woman in question is a ‘single mum’ and what does it have to do with anything AT ALL? I guess a headline that says ‘Gullible & Greedy Aussie Woman Keeps Nigerian Scammers in Clover’ doesn’t tug the heartstrings quite as poignantly. The lesson for us all is surely not simply caveat emptor but is also writ clear in the wisdom of the great Lao-Tzu:

There is no greater calamity than lavish desire.
There is no greater curse than discontentment.
And there is no greater disaster than greed.

Spam Observations #42

An anonymous feiend of MR JAMES wrote to me today to let me know that I have won $200,000 dollars (USD) for my ‘prompt claims’ of a cheque to this amount.

As Cow readers are no doubt aware from my rapidly accumulating Internet Fortune (see counter in the sidebar), this is really small potatoes given the grand scope of my past lottery windfalls. But this one could be quite handily reimbursed, so I know you will be all interested in what MR JAMES’ representative has to say:

CONGRATULATIONS

We are hereby happy to inform you that you emerge as one of the winners in the lucky pick of email address on the web. The cheque won is used as a compensation to the numerous internet users, and gotten from the non-claims of winning check of last years lotto winners in the UK lottery international promotions.

Wha? Sorry MR JAMES’ Friend (do you mind if I call you, oh, Mr Oyinbolowo?), but this is utterly incomprehensible. What on earth do you mean by ‘compensation to the numerous internet users…’? Compensation? For what? Compensation for using the internet?

God knows, we could all certainly use some compensation for putting up with idiots like yourself.

To that effect, We had to organise a lucky dip of all e-mail addresses on the web and sectioned them into zones such as the europe, asia, america, africa and the rest.

Ah the ol’ ‘lucky dip’. Such a quaint and somehow provincial term. Not so much something we might expect from the UK Lottery department as from, say, a church fete. May I suggest you change the term to something a little more sophisticated such as… hmmm… chocolate wheel, perhaps.

And what is this ‘and sectioned them into zones such as the europe, asia, america, africa and the rest’? I can visualize the map on your wall right now: Europe, Asia, America and Africa marked with nice printed names and then everything else just ‘the rest’ scrawled in biro. And curious that Africa makes a big appearance there among the named zones. Not that I’m inferring anything by that.

Did you ever see Gilligan’s Island, Mr Oyinbolowo? It was a television show about people marooned on a tropical island. The theme song originally featured these words:

The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle
With Gilligan
The Skipper too,
The millionaire and his wife,
The movie star
And the rest
Here on Gilligan’s Island.

Did you notice the ‘and the rest’ in there, Mr O? The Professor and Maryanne didn’t take to kindly to being just lumped together as ‘and the rest’, and eventually the theme song was altered (at the great cost of the proper scanning of the lyrics) to include their names. I think you should learn a lesson from that. In fact, I suggest that you could learn quite a number of valuable Life Lessons from sitting down and watching Gilligan’s Island. At the very least it would fill up some of the time that you might otherwise use to annoy me.

Under these zones are the regions e.g under europe, we have london ireland, scotland, holland and e.t.c. same applies to every other zone

Uh-huh. So ‘and the rest’ would include a pretty long list of other regions, I guess.

So to that effect, your winning fell under the african zone and west african region.

Completely illogical, but go on…

So therefore, your winning had been sent down to the compensation agent in charge of that region in the person of Mr JAMES. You will have to make contact with him, and follow due procedures to effect the claims of your package which contains a winning check of $200,000dollars(USD) for your prompt claims.

OK, so presumably MR JAMES is in Africa, which, while completely failing to surprise me, is inconvenient because I don’t really want to have to travel to Africa to get this all sorted out. And you know how it is dealing with this kind of stuff over the internet. There are a lot of fraudsters out there Mr Oyinbolowo, and I really would rather do this kind of transaction in person, even if it is for such a paltry sum.

At the moment, I am very busy at Sydney,Australia because of numerous
assignments which I have to carry out. To that effect, I dont think you will have the opprtunity of communicating with me anymore. All you need do is reach the compensation agent Mr JAMES through this e-mail

Wait! Mr Oyinbolowo! Au contraire! What a serendipitous piece of fortune! I LIVE in Sydney Australia, so your schedule has made our meeting almost too easy! Name your place Mr O, and I will be there to pick up my cheque (and maybe I could slip you a little something for your trouble, eh? MR JAMES need never know ;-)

– Mr Oyinbolowo goes on to give me some more advice, mostly about how important it is that I get in touch with MR JAMES as soon as possible because MR JAMES is about to go on leave for a long holiday. MR JAMES evidently hasn’t had a break in three years and does a lot of overtime… Mr O’s concern with MR JAMES’ wellbeing is heartwarming bordering on toadying. He eventually signs off…

My sincere advice to you as a christian is that you should endeavour to pay your tithe to a bible believing church when you get winning check .

Mr Oyinbolowo, my sincere promise to you as an atheist is that I will do everything in my power to see that not only a tithe, but the entire sum of my winnings will go to a Church! Now you can’t ask for fairer than that!

So, I look forward to your contact while you’re in town. I hope you’re enjoying the lovely weather and that your numerous assignments aren’t keeping you from regular attendance at prayer meetings.

Spam Observations #32

David Ellis wrote to me this morning with his sad story:

My name is DAVID ELLIS of United Kingdom,I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts.

It has defiled all forms of medical treatment? That’s some disgusting cancer.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.

Well, now see, that’s an old story Dave. You’re not the first to have that particular light bulb come on way too late. You obviously weren’t paying attention in Bible Class.

I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it.

Gee, and it’s gonna be a real bummer if you don’t get a second chance because, for instance, there is no God.

Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.

Uh huh.

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity organizations,

Ever heard the expression ‘Closing the gate after the horse has bolted’? Oh, I forget – Christianity, quite mind-bogglingly, allows that particular about-face.

as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E, Somalia and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them. The last of my money which no one knows of is the cash deposit of Four Million,Five Hundred thousand Great British Pounds Sterling Only that I have with a finance institution in UK. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and despatch it to charity organizations. I have set aside 20% for you and for your time.

OK, let’s just recap there Dave. Your family has pinched the piles of cash that you set aside to help charities, so understandably you don’t trust them. However, your solution to this is to offer the money for safekeeping to me, a complete stranger picked at random on the internet. Now, exactly how is it that you got to be wealthy? Evidently not through cunning investment strategies.

A few things: 20% of £4.5 million by my calculation is £900,000. Dave, I hate to break it to you, but in the world of online money-shuffling schemes this is kinda peanuts. Prince Mike Okoye from Nigeria offered me $27 million last week to mind money for him, and Mr. Maraa Massaquoe from Sierra Leone suggested I might like to have $35 million of his generous fortune for my trouble. I know you’ve got a repulsive cancer and all, but really, it hardly seems worth my time.

Even the GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTERY for which I didn’t have to do a thing, gave me a larger swag of cash (yeah, OK, so I’m still waiting for the cheque, but I have a sneaking suspicion that you’re not going to pay up that fast either).

Please send your reply to God be with you. DAVID ELLIS

Er. I don’t quite understand. Am I sending my reply to God or you? I guess God is probably a better option, since you don’t sound like you’re in for the long haul.

Now excuse me Dave, I’d like to stay and chat all day, but there’s work to be done. Chief Oyinbolowo Eko from Zimbabwe has promised me $21 million if I can get his camel through the eye of a needle.

It seems like a safer bet than trying to help you get into the Kingdom of Heaven.

___________________________________________________________________________

Don’t forget the ‘Insincerity‘ launch – October 31st!

___________________________________________________________________________

Well Faithful Cowites, I guess you’ve noticed it’s been quiet over the last few days. And for good reason. There’s been big developments at Cow Central. I’m writing to tell you all that this will be the last posting I will do on Tetherd Cow Ahead. It’s been a great (almost) year, and I’ve made a lotta great friends and we’ve had some good laughs together. But sadly, all good things must come to an end. Yes that’s right folks, I’m closing up shop here at The Cow because… I have won The British GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTO!!! *

No, I’d never heard of it either but I have apparently WON £1.5 MILLION BRITISH POUNDS. Look, I’m sorry for all the caps, but I think you can totally understand my excitement. And besides, my new REALLY REALLY Best Friend Mac Owen who sent me the good news, likes to use caps a lot too. Well, you would, wouldn’t you, if you had the job of conveying that kind of spectacular news to people.

Mac’s email to me was a little long-winded, but stick with me – it’s almost TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE:

From: The Director of the Prize Award Department
Reference number: EG/38807886091/05
Batch number: 340/1608/RDL

Oooh. That sounds all official and everything don’t it? With all those complicated Batch Numbers and all. It must be genuine! No one could, like, just make up those numbers like that.

I wonder what other Departments they have at a place called the Graphics Fortune Lotto? The Money Hoarding Department? The Coloured Ball Minding Department? The Sucker Born Every Minute Department?

Re: Award Notification Of Final Notice

Oh. Is this an award I’m getting, or am I being just awarded a Final Notice?

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTO brits sweepstakes lottery International promotion UK programmes held on the 10TH OCTOBER 2005. Your email address attached to the ticket number 033-1146993-750 with serial number 13-15-16-21-34-36, which consequently won the lottery in the 3rd category.

Excellent. More numbers attached to even more numbers. Not even that Machiavelli guy could get that clever.

Sure. OK. Third place is totally cool by me (since I can’t even remember buying a ticket anyway). Fourth place? Eight place? A trip to Vatulele? All hunky dory here baby, I ain’t lookin’ a gift cow in the mouth.

You have therefore been awarded the lump sum of £1.5MILLION (ONE MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND BRITISH POUNDS STERLING) in cash credited to file number EG/38807886091/05.This is from the total cash prize off £150,000,000.00(ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION BRITISH POUNDS STERLING) which is being shared among Ten international lucky winners in this category. Your funds are deposited with a security company, which will be insured in your name once you contact us.

Huzzah! It is money after all! Hey Mac, don’t you worry about insuring the money in my name. You just stick those buckaroonies in my bank account, and I’ll do all that icky legal stuff. I’m just so stoked to have such a totally unexpected windfall come my way. I really wouldn’t want you to go to any trouble or anything. It’s not like you’re getting anything outta this, except maybe a basic wage, right?

All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 25,000 email addresses from all over the world as a part of our international promotional program, which we conduct twice annually.

You do this twice annually. You give away 300 million British Pounds to randomly selected email addresses every year?

→ Short currency conversion break: £300 MILLION Sterling = $526.62 MILLION US = $700.10 MILLION Australian ←

(Excuse the caps again, but I just want to make it clear that we’re not talking peanuts here. Unless it huge motherfucking WETA Digital FX King Kong-sized peanuts†).

We hope that with a part of your prize, you will take part in our end of year high stake 3bn lottery.

Run that by me again? As well as giving away 300 MILLION POUNDS annually you also give away a further 3 BILLION POUNDS at the end of the year. Like as in 5.3 BILLION US DOLLARS? Like as in 7 BILLION AUSTRALIAN DOLLARS? Do you have any idea what you could buy in this part of the world for that kind of money? That’s right: EVERYTHING!

Including New Zealand. If you had a reason to want it.

It does beg the question of where all these readies are coming from. ‘Cause as I understand it, I didn’t actually buy anything, and you just selected me randomly from my email address, so Mac, you’re cashed up from exactly where? Last I heard, that kind of dosh only regularly changed hands when there was heavy armament involved. And, like, dictators with disposable countries.

And I don’t mean to sound greedy or anything, just having won 3.5 million bucks, but how come I wasn’t already in the end-of-year lotto, it being the end of year and all? I mean, I know I didn’t enter it, but I didn’t enter the £1.5MILL GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTO either and I won that (sure, OK, third place, but I’d take third place on 7 billion if I was forced into it…)

See, I’d be happy to fork out for a few tickets in the 3bn lottery, but by the time we get all those bank transfers sorted out, well, it’s Christmas, all the shops close for the holiday, yadda yadda yadda. Yeah, it’s a drag, the 3bn (ie 7 BILLION AUSTRALIAN DOLLARS… oops, sorry I almost wet myself) would have come in handy for the Christmas shopping, but whaddya gonna do? Maybe next year Mac old chum.

(Actually, when I think on it, a friend of mine might like New Zealand, not that it would be easy to wrap with that funny shape it has)

All prize money must be claimed no later than 14days from the date of this notice, as after this date, all funds will be returned to GRAPHICS LOTTO INTERNATIONAL‡ as unclaimed. To file for your claim, please contact our financial agent:

MR. MAC OWEN
CLAIMS MANAGER.

* Sigh, yes, this is, alas, merely Spam Observation #19. I’m not really rolling in mounds of hundred dollar bills piled high like Autumn leaves. And I’m not yet sending the Cow off to the Big Meadow in the Sky. So you can put the Kleenex away. SpamOb #19 is remarkable in one aspect only – that Mac doesn’t suffer from Spammer Identity Confusion. Although he does have two titles, being Claims Manager and Director of the Prize Award Department. I think it’s a slippery slope.

† Alright, thank you, I’m aware gorillas don’t eat peanuts.

‡What the hell does a lottery have to do with GRAPHICS anyway? GRAPHICS FORTUNE LOTTO? Nobody I know who works in graphics has got 7 billion dollars in loose change.

☆ Motza = Australian slang for a huge fucking shitload of cash.