Tetherd Cow Ahead

It is a peculiarity of the modern age that chicken chips* taste nothing at all like chicken. Chicken chips really don’t have a taste like any other foodstuff, as far as my tastebuds can tell. In fact the flavour of chicken chips is best described as ‘chicken chip flavour’.

There are lots of artificial flavours like this – ‘banana’ is another one, as is ‘smoked ham’.

This got me to wondering – how do flavour chemists decide what something tastes like? I think the process goes something like this:

Flavour Chemist #1: Hey, Sam – what do you think this tastes like?

Flavour Chemist #2: Hmm. I dunno…

Flavour Chemist #1: Chicken? Ham? Banana?

Flavour Chemist #2: Maybe ham? No, hang on… chicken. Yeah, chicken.

Flavour Chemist #1: Should I write ‘chicken’ on the flask?

Flavour Chemist #2: Yeah. Write ‘chicken’. Maybe write ‘smoked chicken’. It’s got a kind of smoky flavour…

Flavour Chemist #1: Er. I think maybe that’s ’cause I dropped my cigarette in it…

It can’t be long before flavour chemists cotton on to the same trick that the people who make paint charts use; you know – colours are now not named by their actual colour, but by some kind of aspirational descriptor like ‘Topiary Tint’ or ‘Treasures’ or ‘Powdery Mist’†

So instead of supermarket shelves of faux raspberry, sour cream & chives and eggnog flavoured products we’d see – Moroccan Sunset flavoured chips, Velvet Cloud flavoured yoghurt and Monet flavoured soda.

See, ultimately this makes really good commercial sense. Our taste professors will no longer have to emulate, but are instead freed up to innovate. With no obligation to try and stick with analogies to existing foodstuffs, whole new avenues of possibility would be opened up.

The decision process might then go something like this:

Flavour Chemist #1: Hey, Sam – what do you think this tastes like?

Flavour Chemist #2: Hmm. I dunno… It’s sort of like a cheap toothpaste I once used on holidays in Greece…

Flavour Chemist #1: Excellent. I’ll label the flask ‘Grecian Morning’. Want to come for a spin in my new Porsche?

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*Or ‘crisps’ if that makes more sense in your part of the world…

†I kid you not. These are all real paint chart colours. I defy you to have any idea what colours they actually are.

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The guys over at Patently Silly have uncovered the work of heretofore unknown beverage genius Kineo Okado. Mr Okado has filed a US patent for ‘Alcoholic beverages derived from animal extract, and methods for the production thereof‘.

Yes, that’s right sports fans, we’re talking meat alcohol. Alcoholic beverages made from meat. And when we’re talking meat, we’re talking chicken and fish as well. The sky is the limit for Mr Okada who is proposing that his concept would be applicable to any animal protein.

(I can just see him enthusiastically explaining the idea to his lab assistant: “Just think Yamada-san – alcohol made from ostriches! Alcohol made from prawns! Alcohol made from water buffalo! Mwahahaha! This will turn the tables on those barbarian gaijin who shunned my Sea Cucumber Custard!)

Examining the patent (it’s a pretty good read, but make sure you’ve some Stemetil handy) we find Okada-san buttressing his pitch with precedents:

Various techniques are well known in the art for the preparation of yeast-fermented beverages such as wine, beer, ale, sake, and the like, which may be applied to the yeast fermentation phases of the production process according to the present invention.

… in Europe and America, various processed meat products, for example fermented sausage, are consumed.

Mmmm. Next time you order the Meat Lover’s Special Pizza, you might consider an accompanying glass of Pepperoni Pinot, Bacon Beaujolais or Cabanossi Cabernet for the Complete Meat Experience.

Of the fermentation process he informs us that:

The resulting product has a distinctive flavor.

Oh, yes, I’m sure he’s right on that aspect.

Skimming through further, one may find some truly nauseating suggestions accompanying the basic concept. Consider:

Carbonated water and flavoring materials such as fruit juice and honey may be added to the resulting fermented beverage according to an aspect of the invention.

Mmmm. Honey flavoured beef schnapps! Lamb & orange vodka! And not just sweet alcoholic meat beverages, but carbonated sweet alcoholic meat beverages as well! Forget Coq au vin: bring on the Coq au Cola!

The alcoholic beverage may also be used in subsequent processes to produce composite beverages (e.g., cocktails)

Here Mr Okado opens up the entire field of mixed drinks and cocktails. What a bonanza. You want to be really careful from now on when you order a Moscow Mule, a Salty Dog or a Fluffy Duck.

The comprehensive patent is wonderfully detailed, colourful and, I’m sure, technically precise, and yet, after all is said and done there still remains one weighty and impatient question on the matter of the Alcoholic Meat Beverage:

Why?