Tetherd Cow Ahead

Well faithful Acowlytes, wonder of wonders, The Cow is two years old today! Yes, some 730 days ago the first Cow post hit the blogwaves and there has never been a dull moment since. Well hardly any. OK, the occasional one, then.

Still, you have to admit, there have been some laughs along the way, and there’s even been the occasional chance to improve your Knowledge-Base of Useless Things*. You don’t get that from most of these johnny-come-lately bandwagon blogs, do you?

I’m not at all sure that you’ve been paying enough attention though, so today, an Easter Egg hunt through the archives. Namely, ten questions about Cow Lore. There will be a prize for anyone who gets all ten correct (really!) Supporting evidence will be taken into consideration. The judge’s (ie my) decision will be final and no correspondence will be entered into. Oh, maybe I’ll accept bribes if they’re to my liking…

Are you sitting comfortably. Then pencils up.

•Q1: Where is the Cow Level? (Answer #1)

•Q2: What cologne does Daffy Duck endorse?

•Q3: Where on the main Cow pages does a portrait image of Sir Isaac Newton appear?

•Q4: True or False – perfume genius Luca Turin once visited The Cow in person?

•Q5: What does Allah’s Messenger deem a significant act of Satan (leaving aside sneezing, drowsing, menstruation, vomiting and nose-bleeding)?

•Q6: What world-famous politician’s wife made an appearance on The Cow, and what was she wearing?

•Q7: What kind of vacation does The Prowler favour?

•Q8: Where is the Cow Level? (Answer #2)

•Q9: In which second language is the Reverend fluent?

•Q10: What organic alternative to WONDERCUM does The Reverend recommend? (Oh, OK, OK, I stuck that one in just to boost the search results again…)

•Q11: What other evidence do you have that The Reverend is bad at counting?

OK, that’ll do pig. Answers on my desk by the end of the lesson (email your answers to [reverendATtetherdcow.com] if you don’t want to give clues away… I’ll put all the answers up in comments)
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Yes, there really will be a prize…

Images of cow & candles for the montage supplied by FreeFoto.com

*Hereafter called the KBUT

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So anyway, I’m at Sydney Airport at Gate 32 when the following is heard across the PA system:

This is a final boarding call for passengers Arthur Gibson, Muriel Campanella, Ron Silvers and Bruce Majollica* on flight number D567 to Melbourne. This flight has boarded and is waiting on you in order to depart. Passengers Arthur Gibson, Muriel Campanella, Ron Silvers and Bruce Majollica, please make your way to Gate 34, your aircraft is ready to depart.

This announcement is made at least a half dozen times over the course of twenty minutes or so, with the staff becoming more and more agitated, but still maintaining the proper good-mannered airport aplomb. There are, in fact, four ‘Final’ boarding calls.

“You know what?” I say to Violet Towne. “If this was Cow Air, by now I’d be broadcasting it like this”:

Passengers Arthur Gibson, Muriel Campanella, Ron Silvers and Bruce Majollica, will you please get your slack asses out of the bar and over to Gate 34 quick smart. There’s a plane full of really pissed-off people here who want to know why you’re making the hour-long flight to Melbourne take twice as long. You’d better have good excuses.

Other innovations I would introduce on Cow Air:

•Disposal of useless safety demonstration on plane, replacing it with one word: PANIC! Because I know that’s what everyone would do if the plane started crashing. Why not make it easy for passengers to comply with instructions?

•Compulsory confinement to seats, upon landing of the aircraft, until after the exit doors have actually been opened. Can someone explain to me why as soon as the seatbelt sign is switched off everyone seems to feel the need to leap from their seat, desperately hoik their luggage out of the overhead compartment and then queue sardine-like in the plane aisle for ten minutes? Listen up people – the doors ain’t opening any faster just because you’re on your feet. The airline wants you off the plane just as much as you want to be off. Everybody is working for the same result here. You may as well enjoy the wait sitting down.†

•Free alcohol. No-one should have to endure Economy Class air travel sober.

•Summary execution for seat-kickers. Especially children.

•Coffee that tastes like coffee instead of watery aviation fuel.

•Cowhide covered seats. Wouldn’t that look cool!?

•Flame-grilled ribs. C’mon – even you vegetarians have gotta admit that the smell of fine BBQ wafting down the aisle at meal times would be w-a-a-a-y better than the sick-making odour of re-heated fish in foil.‡

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*Not their real names.

†I dunno – maybe it’s so they can get off the plane a few seconds earlier and relish the extra time at the baggage carousel?

‡Yes, alright, I can hear the more astute among you protesting that you’d never be able to eat ribs with plastic knives and forks. On Cow Air we don’t hold with such namby-pamby business as kiddy cutlery. Not only would passengers be allowed nail scissors and hacksaw blades, each would be issued with a steak knife. We believe that the real reason behind terrorism is bad airline food.

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It’s going to be quiet on The Cow for a week or so – I’m off on another adventure. More when I return, including pics. You guys have fun without me. And no loud parties OK?

Spam Observations #37

Regular Cow readers will have noticed me waffling on about Akismet and except for those of you running blogs on WordPress it’s probably all Greek to you. So the Two Second Explanation is that Akismet is a WordPress plugin that hinders the hoardes of motherfucking scumbags naughty spammers who think it’s a great idea to fill up the lofty discussions on Cow comments with puerile cheapo advertising crap. My Akismet page is usually stuffed wall-to-wall with attempt after attempt of the most ineffective and irritating ‘pseudo’ posts that defy any kind of intelligence which can be scanned in seconds to be consigned to spam oblivion.*

This last week though, I’m detecting a disaffection in SpamLand. A wave of ennui, perhaps even melancholy. Here, let me show you:

And then:

It was bound to happen eventually. A few of these poor bastards have just had to face up to the trivial meaningless of their spamming existence. I give Agata and Onufry two weeks before the steel wheels of a commuter train start to look like an appealing option.

We can only hope that their cohorts follow suit.

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*They usually go something like this: Hey! Great blog. I totally agree with what you say! Buy cheap Spamadol here!!!

I mean, HOW IS THIS SUPPOSED TO WORK??? Do these nitwits think that my mental process will go: Hey! That guy really likes my blog. Fabtastic! I better go and buy some of his cheap Spamadol quick smart!!

WTF? I am totally afraid that these people actually ARE as stupid as they appear. And further, that they think everyone else is too. And further to that, that in some cases they’re right.

The Horror.

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A recently reported ‘fault’ in Apple MacBooks is described thus:

“The machine makes faint bovine-like ‘mooing’ noise after moderate to heavy use”

Apple diagnoses this as a firmware problem, but here at The Cow, the only comment we feel at liberty to make is ‘Mwahahahahahahahaha!’

I thought I might share with you all some search queries that have arrived at my blog.† Some of these I can understand. Some are disturbingly kinky. Some are so baffling that I try not to think too much about them.

Verbatim:

•man having sex with cow

•wife porn

•lordi+eurovision song contest+itunes

•batteries taste like happiness

•penguin burger recipe

•sunny delight drink cow sperm

•aliens hump their self videos

•cow sound

•free cow sex movies

•cows taking over the world

•things that rhyme with cow

•cow pond

•see him squirt on a cow

•women looking for sex on the side

•500ad-800ad

•humpback whales + the big bang theory

•explanation for the existence of dreams

•cream pie jpeg

•battle of cow pews report

Batteries taste like happiness? Aliens hump their self videos? Wha? Are these people on crack?

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*Just so if anyone searches for psychomanteum they will end up here. What? You don’t know what one is? Well then…‡

†I have omitted ‘Wondercum’. It accounts for more than all the other searches put together but still, somehow, it seems kinda… predictable…

‡How I love the self-referential loop…

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