Tetherd Cow Ahead

I was browsing over at Nurse Myra’s this morning and on following one of her links discovered a sterling example of one of my all-time pet peeves: The Meaningless Scientific Diagram.

I’m sure you know the kind of thing – you’ve almost certainly seen it in those TV commercials for washing powder where a personage in white coat is telling you all about the ‘scientific’ basis for how the stuff gets your shirts whiter than white. Sooner or later, up comes a graphical ‘explanation’ of the virtues of the product. It usually involves arrows, a dumb, proprietary, vaguely scientific name like HydroLux or OxyFizz, and a formula.

And it always means absolutely nothing.

In this particular case it was a website for a product from ‘St Herb’ called Nano Breast Cream. Don’t panic ladies – it’s not a cream for causing your endowments to shrink to sub-molecular size, but in fact uses the miracle of nanoparticles to do exactly the opposite! Aside from ‘protecting your breasts from free radicals and visible cleavage*’ it enhances your bust from 1 to 3 cup sizes! Marvellous!

And this is how it works:

I don’t know about you, but one look at that diagram and I’m entirely confused convinced!

Elsewhere on the wonderful St Herb‡ site there is some explanation of the difference between liposomes and nanosomes with further visual aids:

I like this kind of diagram much better than the earlier one. I don’t know what the heck it’s saying about lipo or nano anything, but it is a striking endorsement of visible cleavage.

For a particularly good laugh, take a look at the instructions for how to apply Nano Breast Cream. Pay special attention to Frame 1 – I think she has a volunteer to help with the experiment!

Girls, I’m willing to wager that once you find yourself in the situation of having a friend towel your breasts dry, the issue of size is merely academic. I probably don’t need to draw you a diagram.

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*These are very puzzling claims. I don’t know of any research that indicates that free radicals are a detriment to breasts. Maybe they mean the kind of radicals that you get in university pubs? They can be a bit free and grabby after a few drinks. And then there’s the visible cleavage problem. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but I was under the impression that some girls actually go out of their way to create visible cleavage.

‡St Herb. Ahhhh. Doesn’t that name just fill you with reassuring friendly naturalness! Either that or it conjures up an image of dirty old man called Herbert who is thinking anything but saintly thoughts about massaging women’s chests.

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Running Tetherd Cow Ahead through The Gematriculator returns a trifling 17% Evil rating.

What kind of crack-heads have they got working over there?

Well ladies, I know that ever since jedimacfan mentioned it the other day, you’ve been wondering how Cowlexâ„¢ has been progressing with their new model, the Tesla.

I’m pleased to say that all is going well, and it’s due out in the shops any day now. Cowlex is very excited about their new product. Here, let me quote from their press release:

It’s Electrifying!

Cowlexâ„¢ Industries is proud to announce their new Pleasure Product The Tesla. This elegant adult toy is lovingly crafted from the very highest quality titanium and molybdenum alloy and is guaranteed to put the sparks back into any relationship.

Turn your static love-life into a static love-life with The Tesla, and feel that old electricity again!

Not recommended for use in the bath. Batteries not included. May interfere with communications and avionic devices.

What our preview audience is saying:

☆“Ohm my God!!!” ~ Sister Veronica

☆“This has a lot of potential!” ~ Electrician’s Weekly

☆“I like it!” ~ The False Maria

☆“The best current sex toy!” ~ Fleshbutt

☆“Ow. Do it again!” ~ BDSM Review

☆“Forget the coil, get The Tesla!” ~ Wanda from Nantucket

A little while back, just after I posted my little observation on the claims of Irish ‘Free Energy’ company Steorn, my page load stats spiked. Scanning back over the visitors provides some fascinating reading: lots of name searches for ‘Sean McCarthy’, ‘Richard Walshe’, ‘Steorn’ and various combinations of those. Now it’s impossible to know exactly what this means but the fact is that posting about loony scientific claims seems to attract nearly as much interest as posting about erotic images.

With that thought, it is pretty obvious that combining these two fields is really going to jazz up the Hit-O-Meter.

So it is my pleasure to bring to you today… Sister Veronica’s Science Report!

Over to you babe.

Oh wow! So cool Reverend!!!! Y’know I always thought science was, like, fully wicked at sk00l. LOL!!!! Mr. Smythe looked so HOT in that lab coat. LOL! ;-)

XOXOXOXOX

Thank you Cowerati for your wonderful submissions for ideas for Classic works of literature suitably reduced in scale for publication as Nano Editions, a la Teeny Ted from Turnip Town.

I can tell you that judging a winner was a tough call from so many chuckle-worthy entries. In the end I just had to go with my initial instincts and give the prize to the suggestion that most surprised and delighted me on first reading.

First, some Honourable Mentions:

Phoebe Fay got a chuckle with The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Neighbourhood, as did Casey with Slaughterhouse .5. Chickie definitely got a laugh with The Okay Earth, and Joey also raised a guffaw with … (his abbreviated version of Waiting for Godot)

Pil continued to completely confuse me with a book that Adolf Hitler almost certainly never even thought of writing, Mein Achselhöhle (about his armpit…?), and HughT almost pipped the winner at the post with his wonderful The Life of Pi to Four Decimal Places.

In the end, I had to go with the suggestion that I thought most succinctly summed up the spirit of the Nano Publication (ie, a Classic with essence suitably distilled for sub-miniature reproduction), combined with the most outrageous pun. It was, of course, Radiocative Jam‘s Less Miserables.

Jam, the trophy is yours. Salut, and well done. An appropriate prize is winging its way across the Pacific.

Well a big Hip Hip Hooray for all the loyal Acowlytes! Thank you all for sticking with me for two big years of Cow Fun. I truly appreciate it.

As promised, the answers to the Anniversary Quiz. If you want to see what others submitted, I’ve put all the entries in the Comments of the last post. The winner is indisputably jedimacfan with a staggering 8 correct answers out of a possible 11. jmf, your prize is on its way.

OK, here we go:

•Q1: Where is the Cow Level? (Answer #1)

•A: There is no Cow Level.

•Q2: What cologne does Daffy Duck endorse?

•A: Brimstone. Daffy was hidden away in an easter egg in the Comments on this post.

•Q3: Where on the main Cow pages does a portrait image of Sir Isaac Newton appear?

•A: Sir Isaac is, and has always been, here (look very carefully at the picture).

•Q4: True or False – perfume genius Luca Turin once visited The Cow in person?

•A: True (he commented on this post).

•Q5: What does Allah’s Messenger deem a significant act of Satan (leaving aside sneezing, drowsing, menstruation, vomiting and nose-bleeding)?

•A: Yawning. It is revealed in this post – scroll down and click on the ‘boring’ link.

•Q6: What world-famous politician’s wife made an appearance on The Cow, and what was she wearing?

•A: George Bush Snr’s wife Barbara. She was wearing, significantly, pearls (also revealed in the above post. I knew no-one was paying attention…).

•Q7: What kind of vacation does The Prowler favour?

•A: A driving vacation (revealed in the Comments on this post).

•Q8: Where is the Cow Level? (Answer #2)

•A: The Cow Level exists in Diablo II if you know how to find it… (this information was accessible from Tetherd Cow Ahead via the Random Quotes in the header).

•Q9: In which second language is the Reverend fluent?

•A: Thermian. I told you here. (OK, I didn’t say I was fluent in so many words, but I am).

•Q10: What organic alternative to WONDERCUM does The Reverend recommend?

•A: Green apples. In the Comments, Dr Samuel J M Maligi pleaded for me to send him a six month supply of Wondercum and I suggested he try green apples.

•Q11: What other evidence do you have that The Reverend is bad at counting?

•A: I told you so (the first of the second lot of Seven Things in this post).