Tetherd Cow Ahead

Ah my faithful Acowlytes! With a minimum of fanfare Tetherd Cow Ahead has turned Three! It seems like only yesterday that a solitary cow let slip its restraints and ambled off into a haze of soporific poppy fumes and an uncertain future. The truth is that it has been a staggering 1095 days and in that time The Cow has wandered far and wide and seen sights and dreamed dreams that cows only dream of. When they’re on drugs. Or something.

As long-time Cowmrades know, my initial reason for setting TCA in motion was as a kind of occupational therapy after the death of my beloved Kate. At that time I really had no idea where I would go with the blog, what it would mean to me, and, indeed, whether there was any real point to it at all.

Over the years, though, Tetherd Cow Ahead has become something much more than I ever expected. I have made many new friends with whom I’ve laughed, philosophized and bantered. I’ve been encouraged, by the continuing labour of keeping The Cow interesting, to pay much greater attention to my world, viewing it, as it were, through the eyes of my readers as well as myself. This strange dissociation has given me an appreciation of my life that I don’t think I would ever have managed otherwise.

There’s been a lot of speculation in recent times about the utility of blogging. Some strident critics like the irksome Andrew Keen obtusely, or perhaps even wilfully, fail to understand even remotely the value of blogs*, advocating that the power of writing should be taken out of the hands of ‘the amateur’ and put back where it belongs (into the hands of those ‘who know what they’re doing’. Like, oh, CNN, and James Redfield, and The Pope and Shirley MacLaine and pretty much anyone of any public profile as long as they achieved their status through means other than the egalitarianism of the web).

People like Keen view the world in a very stilted and old-fashioned way. Andrew Keen would have taken Samuel Pepys’ quill away from him. He would have had Anne Frank go sit in the corner and knit. He’d have told Andy Warhol to get a proper job.

Now I’m not attempting to hold The Cow up to any of those extraordinary chroniclers of human experience, but in my opinion it is inevitable that sooner or later some great works will come out of the blogosphere. If nothing else, everyone who is currently blogging is helping to create an amazingly detailed picture of what it is like to live in the beginning of the 21st century at the explosive dawn of the Age of Information. And this picture is not being painted just by those who are somehow ‘sanctioned’ to do so.

For my own part, a nostalgic trawl back through The Cow lets me see an intriguing picture of my life over the last three years. It’s a quirky, funny, thoughtful and sometimes sad journey, but all in all (from my assessment anyway) it is a pretty good sketch of who I am and what I make of the world. I’ve never been much of a diarist so I’ve never had any real opportunity to look into my past at the changing person I surely am so it’s something of an engaging novelty to go revisit my life through the eyes of The Cow. I’m glad I started it. And I’m glad to have met you all, dear Cowpokes, and I thank you for your fine company.

No quiz this year – you’ve had altogether too many competitions lately I notice. But if you feel in the mood, have a few plugs away on the Mad Cow Ride in the sidebar. You’re sure to find something you’ve never seen before, or something you’ve completely forgotten.

I know I did.

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*While hypocritically maintaining one of his own. It’s evidently OK for him to have one, because, unlike the rest of us, he’s got something to say…

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Well, Faithful Acowlytes, the season is upon us, and as the Herald Angels sing and the chestnuts smoulder away on open fires from here* to Chocowinity, it behooves† me to wish you all a very Merry Christmas, a Cool Yule and the finest things for the season. I’d like to thank you all for your companionship, zest and humour over the last year, and I look forward to you joining me in continued moosings in 2008.

But enough of that! I know why you’re really hanging around, so on to the winner of the Christmas Competition!

I have to say at the outset that it wasn’t as well contested as I’d hoped, especially when I promised a very special prize… But having said that, the four contenders who did participate didn’t hold back, and all showed the kind of plucky spirit that makes the Cow Comments the kind of feisty tête-à-tête that we all know and love. I am certain that RadioShack will be plagiarizing us for ideas next year. Maybe they’ll even pay us to come smarten up their dumb asses.‡

All the entries showed verve and flair, and disconcertingly high levels of technical competence. Casey’s Destruct-O-Matic Shock Tank was so terrifying that I think it might be better served up at Halloween, and Jedimacfan’s Virtual Sled is a promise to fat kids everywhere that their position in front of the XBox is eternally safe & warm. The Colonel’s aerial Christmas lights were an inspiration to Book Elves of all nations (perhaps to the detriment of some) and hewhohears‘ Aussie Snow Shredder was as fine an example of innovative uselessness as I’ve ever encountered. A generous piece of Christmas Cake for you all!

But after all was said and done, I kept coming back to Casey’s first offering – The Reindeer-Spooking Whirlygig Death Contraption. Casey promises that after the implementation of this device, you need never need worry again about clattering hooves and messy reindeer droppings all over your roof on Christmas Eve. Casey, the Very Special Christmas Prize is yours! Mail me at [reverend-at-tetherdcow.com] with a postal address and I’ll set Santa on a special delivery mission for the New Year.

Anyways, there’s tinsel to be hung and stockings to be filled so glad tidings of comfort and joy to one and all! Don’t eat too much holly, and remember that reindeer poop and raisins look fairly similar.

The Reverend

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*Seriously – I was in Melbourne CBD yesterday and there were guys roasting chestnuts. Thankfully the weather has been a mite cooler these last few days than the 35° (95°F) of last week, but even so, that’s just plain weird.

†Cow Joke…

‡Speaking in a Christmas manner, of course.

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With the exception of the astute few, the general Cownoscenti somehow comprehensively failed to notice that on this International Talk Like a Pirate Day past, the whole of Tetherd Cow Ahead was in piratese.

This is a massive shame because there was some gut-quakingly funny stuff to be had, especially via some of my more serious posts.

Before the magic of ITLAPD wore off, though, I was able to snap a little snippet out of my Cracked, Plastered or Just Incompetent post for posterity.

If you remember, it was an account of the trials and tribulations of my attempts to find a plasterer to do some work on my house. Go read the post to familiarize yourself with my conversation with the little rotund man with one tooth.

Got that?

This is the way the conversation would have happened had we been pirates:

So. I need ye t’ give me a quote in writin’.

Aye! (shakes his head as if t’ say ‘nay’).

Can ye do that this week?

Aye.

Can ye send it t’ me by th’ end o’ th’ week?

(The ornery cuss brandishes his business card) Have ye got lines?

Lines?

Lines! Shiver me timbers! Lines!

(The ornery cuss waves his card again, I’ll warrant ye. I look confused. The ornery cuss points at me computer. Fetch me spyglass, and a bottle of rum! A lightbulb pops on o’er me head).

Oh! You mean email!

Nay! Nay!

(The ornery cuss shakes his head violently and waves his card again, I’ll warrant ye. I have NO notion what he means).

So yez all missed out on the laughs. That’ll teach yer to pay attention. Now you’ll have to wait a whole year to see whether or not the Curse of the Black Cow is cast once again over my writings.

I’m packing up my house into cardboard boxes in preparation for my impending relocation from Sydney to Melbourne. As is always the case when it comes to reviewing the amount of crap one accumulates over the years, there have been many sidetracks, some of which will almost certainly make it to The Cow over the next short while.

This book, which I found in my study, was sent to me nearly two years ago by a fellow blogger with whom I was once in almost daily contact. It is called ‘Strange Red Cow (and other curious classified ads from the past)’ by Sarah Bader. It’s a curious, quirky, charming book and as soon as I picked it up I was reminded strongly of the curious, quirky, charming personality of the woman who sent it to me.

I never actually met her in real life, sadly, and she stopped blogging over a year ago with no warning or explanation, and after the very worst kind of family crisis. She also stopped replying to my emails. I have many friends, both in the real world and in cyberspace, and I know from experience that usually when someone abruptly stops communicating it means trouble. I really hope that’s not the case, and I hope she just got bored with blogging and the ephemera of online friends and has found a really happy and contented space in her real world. I guess I’ll never know.*

Que sera, sera.

When I took a break from my cramming of things into boxes and and had a quick nostalgic browse through Strange Red Cow I found this ad, which I like to think would have appealed to her:

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*We can say for certain that she’s not attending to her blog. Great drifts of spam now clog up all the comments on her posts, reminding me as nothing so much as an abandoned house with its porch ankle-deep in unswept leaves.

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Many years ago, my good friend Bronni & I used to amuse ourselves by taking well known proverbs with animals in them and substituting a cow for said animal.

This was a source of constant mirth. So for today’s diversion, I give you:

•Like a cow up a drainpipe.

•Flat out like a cow drinking.*

•That’s put a bit of a cow in the ointment!†

•Wow, she really has a cow in her bonnet!

•That’s put the cow among the pigeons!

•More tricky than herding cows.

•Better a cow in the hand than two in the bush!

•He’s a real cow in the grass.

•As cunning as a cow.

•The early bird catches the cow.

•Like a cow on a hot tin roof.

•I’d like to be a cow on the wall for that conversation…

OK Acowlytes – over to you. The one that makes me laugh most gets a Cow Medallion!

UPDATE: It occurs to me that some of you may have missed the point of this particular activity. It’s all about the image that you form in your head when you do the transposition of animals. For instance: ‘a cow on a hot tin roof’ conjures an amusing vision of a cow clattering along on your corrugated iron verandah awning… Get it?

So:

‘Cow in a gilded cage’ = Funny
‘Let sleeping cows lie’ = Not Funny

See – it’s not just as easy as chucking the word ‘cow’ in any old proverb.

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*Hmm. Some of these might be a little obscure to non-Australians…

†Isn’t ‘ointment’ a great word? Why don’t we have ointments any more?

Thanks to Radioactive Jam for sparking old memories.

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The Continuing Misfortunes Adventures of Simple Graphics Man ~

#24: Home On The Range.

It was inevitable. When I wasn’t looking, SGM snuck in and untied The Cow. My intuition (and familiarity with SGM’s previous capers) tells me that this is likely to turn out badly.

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Thanks jedimacfan for pointing me to the great font from which this image comes – Interstate Pi Four

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