Tetherd Cow Ahead

So, as we recover from the longest-running Cow Competition ever, only one question remains: who gets the trophy?

Well, as we’ve explored at length in previous Cow discussions, what makes a person laugh is a highly individual thing and so I don’t expect everyone to agree with me on my decisions (yes, decisions – with 200+ entries, there has to be at least one runner up…), but I think you will all agree that this was one of the all-time best laugh-fests we’ve had on the Cow.

Numerous entries had me cracking up on first reading, and many of them are still funny on multiple visits. Joey’s very early entry ‘Okay. We stampede in two minutes. Twenty bucks says Billy’s ass outruns his head again’ set the tone for the hi-jinks to follow, but most importantly gave us ‘Billy’, who went on to be quite a Cow Headliner. Cissy Strutt chimed in with the hilarious ‘Tits!’ to be followed by Atlas’ classic ‘This ain’t what I had in mind when I told you to bring a Trojan’ (after a slightly surreal detour into existentialism from Joey).

And from there it never faltered. I won’t elaborate further – you can revisit them at your leisure for years to come. Or, if you’re really keen, download the pdf of the whole competition in situ, as kindly provided by Atlas Cerise.

Anycow, let’s cut to the chase. In my view, the competition peaked early, and no-one quite reached the rarified heights of entry #50 by Joey Polanski, which I declare to be the overall winner:

I can’t explain quite why this makes me laugh every time I see it, but to me it encapsulates the perfect comment on this photograph: the assertion from the speaking cow is condescendingly self-evident, but its implacable acceptance of the guys in the cow costume plays out the kind of humour that I really like. It does have a certain bee-joke-esque quality as Joey says, but it is very ‘cow’ in its own right. So, Joey, the question now must be – how the heck do I get you your SGM coffee mug?

Now, I’m going to award two runners-up, and I think you may find them just as puzzling as the main winner – but they both made me laugh a lot, and that, of course, is the only criteria for any Cow competition!

Honorable Mention number one goes to Cissy Strutt for:

This needs some explaining too. This is an excellent variation of an old situational gag that I invented quite some years ago, with which Cissy is quite familiar. The schtick goes like this: a bunch of people I know are standing around at a party or somesuch and a newcomer arrives on the scene. As they enter, someone proclaims loudly ‘…and that’s what happened to the cheese sandwich!!’, whereupon everyone else (clued-in by previous arrangement) bursts into laughter. The newcomer is then frustrated to find that no-one wants to tell them the (obviously hilarious) Cheese Sandwich joke. It’s a form of ‘meta’ humour that really tickles my funnybone. You can see how a cow performance elevates it into humour worthy of a prize!

So, Cissy, another SGM mug on its way to you for Christmas.

The second Honorable Mention goes to Queen Willy, for yet another in-joke, but one that was played as a marvellous slam-dunk to create a perfect end for the competition:

It does, of course, refer to this post, and elevates the scenario to a strange situation where two men in a cow suit become the bovine analog of the Archangel Gabriel presenting a mooing Virgin with strange news in the form of text speak. It doesn’t become any weirder than that!! ((But, it has to be said, makes for an interesting commentary on the ‘actual’ event…)) A collectible SGM coffee mug for The Queen too!

Even though I found the above three the funniest of the funny, don’t think I didn’t laugh at mostly everything. It remains only to thank you all for providing such hilarity on The Cow, and contributing to an escapade that I suspect will go into Cow Lore. With 230 comments, How Now Brown Cow? ranks as the highest commented Tetherd Cow Ahead post of all time. Of course we want to do MUCH better than that come January 1, 2010, n’est ce pas?

Oh, and be sure to check out Queen Willy’s Cow Wall for the last laugh!

The thought that occurred to me in the middle of the last post was, Faithful Acowlytes, that perhaps I was being a little shortsighted in so perfunctorily dismissing Simple Graphics Man as an appropriate mentor for the ‘lesser’ risks of a busy life.

To that end, I’ve stirred the elves in the Tetherd Cow Ahead Gift Shoppe from their hundred year slumber and I am pleased to announce the launch of the Tetherd Cow Ahead Simple Graphics Man™ Collection!

In these modern times, it’s not always easy to keep your wits about you every single minute, so who better to alert you to the perils inherent in your favourite caffeinated beverage than good ol’ SGM? These unique drinking vessels, handcrafted from the finest alabaster and lovingly detailed by skilled Nubian artisans are only suited to the discerning few. ((i.e. anyone with money)) A large mug will set you back $14.50 Australian, and the standard size a very reasonable $13.50. ((A little less than those numbers if you’re paying US dollars)) You know you can’t do without one – so don’t wait until you scald yourself again before forking out! Think of it as insurance!

Remember – Christmas is not far off – shop now to avoid disappointment! And you will, of course, be keeping Simple Graphics Man gainfully employed.

What are you waiting for? Go to the gift shop and spend some money!

In this modern age, pretty much everyone is aware of Global Warming and the threat to rising sea levels which it poses. But I stand before you today Brothers and Sisters of the Church of the Tetherd Cow, to remind you of another evil which slowly seeps upon us. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about the menace of Global WooWoo and its rapidly rising Oceans of Stupidity – great raging seas of Brobdingnagian nonsense that threaten to wash away every last grain of precious logical sand from the few remaining Islands of Rationality.

Take the fad for ‘magical bracelets’, which has been with us for some time, but now seems to be gaining a new lease of life if the prices being charged for these meretricious trinkets is anything to go by.

Exhibit 1: The Ludicrous QLink:

Q-link® works by balancing out the body’s energetic fields. Many liken Q link® to a microchip. Q-link® is programmed to each wearers unique human resonating or energy emitting frequency. Like an acupuncture treatment works to restore the body’s energy flow, so too does Q link® work to help restore energy imbalances in the body.

Yeah, I bet. Sounds like it probably gets rid of fleas too.

QLink first surfaced some years back as a magical pendant, but has now increased in range to magical necklaces, magical watches, magical rings, magical ‘cell phone protection’ chips, magical bracelets (above) and magical USB devices. I kid you not. Go take a look. And the Shoo!Tag™ people better watch out because you can even get a QLink for your pet. Of course, the magical benefits of QLink don’t come cheap – the bracelet pictured above will set you back $199.00. Many liken that to a tidy sum for a bit of cheap metal.

Some famous people who endorse QLink are: Oprah Winfrey, Tony Robbins and Madonna. The Cred-O-Meter is pinning at zero as a result. I bet Tom Cruise has a couple too.

As usual with these kinds of devices, the makers of QLink claim that their product delivers a grab-bag of diffuse and unverifiable subjective benefits for a pantheon of complaints. Woo at its finest. No science, no accountability, no conscience.

According to the website, QLink utilizes ‘Sympathetic Resonance Technology’ (SRT™) that exploits ‘a new class of energies’ including ‘subtle’ energy:

‘Subtle energy refers to a physical energy, such as electromagnetic or acoustic, that is of such low intensity that we have no means of measuring it presently. It is a physical field of very low magnitude.’

So it uses a form of energy that can’t be measured? Interesting. I’ll leave it to you to ponder, then, how anyone can know it actually exists, let alone corral it to do anything.

Exhibit 2: The Preposterous EFX Performance Edge::

EFX is an embedded wearable holographic technology designed to maximize performance and overall well-being by increasing balance, strength, and flexibility. EFX’s technology consists of frequencies that are highly compatible with both humans and animals on a cellular level

Hmmm. Sounds strangely familiar. The Psychic McGuffin in this case, though, is not a magnetic strip but a ‘hologram’ attached to the devices, which is supposed to deliver all kinds of wondrous benefits. The swindlers peddling EFX have also resurrected the hoary old carnival pony of applied kinesiology as a demonstration of the ‘effectiveness’ of their cheap trash. I defy anyone to make sense of the idiotic demonstration video on the EFX website in which an oleaginous fellow pushes down on a girl’s arm while she balances on one leg to prove… what, exactly?

The EFX FAQ is a treasure trove of doublespeak and waffle words. You don’t even need to go past Question #1 to get the idea:

Q. What is the major benefit of EFX?
A. EFX helps restore natural in harmony to the body.

The effect is believed to stabilize and harmonize the body’s bioelectric current. When the body is in harmony, the muscles relax, cells un-clump, and blood circulation increases, allowing for greater stability, easier movement and pain relief.

Natural in harmony? Stabilize and harmonize the body’s bioelectric current? Cells un-clump? WTF? What does any of that stuff actually mean??? They just make it all up!

And further down the list:

Q. Is EFX Safe?
A.”Yes”

EFX does not emit any potentially harmful electromagnetic radiation
EFX is non trans dermal
EFX does not contain any restricted substance
EFX has not been evaluated by the FDA
EFX Safety results are available upon request.

Did you notice how not being evaluated by the FDA becomes an endorsement of safety? Genius!

As with QLink, EFX trinkets come in a variety of forms – wristbands, pendants, necklaces, energetic ‘dots’ (!) and best of all, socks. Yes that’s right – magical holographic pain-relieving socks.

Faithful Acowlytes, I know it defies common sense, and I sense you sitting there shaking your heads and wondering how anyone with the remotest wisps of intelligence can swallow this claptrap. But have no fear! As always, the boffins in the TCA Labs are one step ahead of us all, and in recent years have been beta-testing a device that will allow you to understand the thought processes of the intellect-challenged folks who fork out money for gew-gaws like QLink and EFX.

This morning it is my great pleasure to bring you the exciting news that CowLink™ is out of beta and shipping!

CowLink™ is a harmonic resonant energy focussing technology that uses Shoo!MAN Waves and FeelyGood™ along with time invariance according to Noether’s Theorem to actually reduce your capacity for any kind of critical thought whilst inside its field of influence.

Yes, my friends, with CowLink™ you will never again find yourself frustrated and flabbergasted at the sheer idiocy and slack-jawed gullibility of suckers who fall for implausible pseudoscientific hogwash, because, with CowLink™ you will think just like them! That’s right! CowLink™ is guaranteed to strip up to 100 points off your IQ and empty thousands of dollars from your bank account or your money back![tippy title=”*”]Conditions apply. See reverse.[/tippy]

But don’t just accept our word for it! Here’s what some of our customers had to say:

“CowLink™ worked for me! I bought one for everyone in my company!” ~ Sean McCarthy, Steorn

“I’ve been using the techniques behind CowLink™ for years! My personal astrologer has never been wealthier!” ~ Shirley MacLaine

“Without CowLink™ I would never have found the Fountain of Youth!” ~ David Copperfield

“CowLink™ convinced me to give up all my wacky beliefs and turn to science!” ~ Madonna

“Not only did CowLink™ reduce my capacity for logic to near zero, it eradicated the cockroaches in my kitchen! Send me another one!” ~ Melissa Rogers, inventor of Shoo!TAG™

OK, now someone tell me they’re not persuasive endorsements! The CowLink™ bracelet is hoof-crafted from meteoric brass, set with red eye crystals from one of the Seven Holy Mountains and blessed by George King. At only $249.00 (discounts for bulk), it’s a steal!

Buy yours today!

___________________________________________________________________________

*Conditions apply. See reverse.

___________________________________________________________________________

From the Museum of Animal Perspectives. Also enjoy ArmadilloCam, WolfCam and ScorpionCam.

Faithful Acowlytes King Willy and Pil have been been on a pilgrimage to Cow Central these last few days, and lawks, I thought they’d never leave what a fabtacular time we’ve all had. There was gingerbread, and whisky and birthday cake and all manner of shenanigans. Hopefully, by now they’ve made it back through Sydney Airport without being assaulted by biker gangs and are kicking back with extra spicy Virgin Marys on their terrace.

While they were here, they were amused to discover that I have my own brand of milk.

This is something that, until they pointed it out, I’d comprehensively failed to notice (that sometimes happens when one is the spokesperson for a supernatural being). Henceforth let it be known that here at The Cow, not only do we have plenty of The Milk of Human Kindness, but it’s low fat as well!

Faithful Acowlytes,

Some shithead spammer has found a way to invade my posts, appending all kinds of rubbish to the actual post content (usually in the form of hundreds of smutty URLs). As near as I can tell, all the stuff is actually invisible to readers, although I can see it in the post edit code (they’ve evidently done this on purpose – the code renders all the smutty URLs unviewable). I haven’t the foggiest why they would do that, but then I have no inkling of the cretinous thought processes of spammers. In the process they have somehow also interfered with the commenting structure, so you may or may not be able to comment.The damage is vast and I need to investigate how this has happened but I don’t have the time just now. I’ll get onto it as soon as I can. Can I ask anyone who’s reading just to leave a comment so I can check that things are normal from your side? Also, if anything looks peculiar (well, more peculiar than usual) please let me know. I don’t know what these fuckwits have done, and I have no idea of the scope of the damage at this moment.

Man I hate these morons.

~Reverend.

UPDATE: I think I’ve rectified the problem and cleaned up most of the mess. I never lock Comments on my posts, so if any of you find that you can’t leave a comment on Cow posts, please email me [reverend-AT-tetherdcow.com] and let me know. I have no way of knowing if Comments are locked (other than investigating settings on individual posts) since for me the Comment field is always available in this particular scam (Mr Spam Shithead has been very crafty in this respect).

We now (hopefully) return to normal programming.