Tetherd Cow Ahead

Well, Faithful Acowlytes, the season is upon us, and as the Herald Angels sing and the chestnuts smoulder away on open fires from here* to Chocowinity, it behooves† me to wish you all a very Merry Christmas, a Cool Yule and the finest things for the season. I’d like to thank you all for your companionship, zest and humour over the last year, and I look forward to you joining me in continued moosings in 2008.

But enough of that! I know why you’re really hanging around, so on to the winner of the Christmas Competition!

I have to say at the outset that it wasn’t as well contested as I’d hoped, especially when I promised a very special prize… But having said that, the four contenders who did participate didn’t hold back, and all showed the kind of plucky spirit that makes the Cow Comments the kind of feisty tête-à-tête that we all know and love. I am certain that RadioShack will be plagiarizing us for ideas next year. Maybe they’ll even pay us to come smarten up their dumb asses.‡

All the entries showed verve and flair, and disconcertingly high levels of technical competence. Casey’s Destruct-O-Matic Shock Tank was so terrifying that I think it might be better served up at Halloween, and Jedimacfan’s Virtual Sled is a promise to fat kids everywhere that their position in front of the XBox is eternally safe & warm. The Colonel’s aerial Christmas lights were an inspiration to Book Elves of all nations (perhaps to the detriment of some) and hewhohears‘ Aussie Snow Shredder was as fine an example of innovative uselessness as I’ve ever encountered. A generous piece of Christmas Cake for you all!

But after all was said and done, I kept coming back to Casey’s first offering – The Reindeer-Spooking Whirlygig Death Contraption. Casey promises that after the implementation of this device, you need never need worry again about clattering hooves and messy reindeer droppings all over your roof on Christmas Eve. Casey, the Very Special Christmas Prize is yours! Mail me at [reverend-at-tetherdcow.com] with a postal address and I’ll set Santa on a special delivery mission for the New Year.

Anyways, there’s tinsel to be hung and stockings to be filled so glad tidings of comfort and joy to one and all! Don’t eat too much holly, and remember that reindeer poop and raisins look fairly similar.

The Reverend

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*Seriously – I was in Melbourne CBD yesterday and there were guys roasting chestnuts. Thankfully the weather has been a mite cooler these last few days than the 35° (95°F) of last week, but even so, that’s just plain weird.

†Cow Joke…

‡Speaking in a Christmas manner, of course.

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You will remember that in recent times I wrote a letter to my buddy Prophet Peter Popoff in an effort to make the discourse between us more of an actual discourse and less of a him-just-crapping-on-and-on-and-on-and-on-and-on-and-on with the baffling and profuse garblings I have come to expect.

My epistle has not, it appears, even halted him in his tracks, and this week he sent me another five foolscap pages of claptrap.

Except… wait… what have we here..? A questionnaire..?

OMG! Maybe I’ve been too hasty in dismissing Prophet Pete’s Predictive Powers. Why would he ask a question like that unless…

Oh Holy Crap! And what’s this:

Yes Prophet Pete! Oh yes, you’re right, you’re right!!! I managed to trick it outside this morning but – Jesus, Mary and Joseph! – it’s trying to get in again!!!.

Prophet Pete! I’m sorry I ever doubted your magnificent powers! Please come ’round with your Holy Water and Golden Braid as quick as you can! I can hear the mournful keening of the creature even now as I sit quaking under a table in the corner farthest from the window.

I know it can only be a matter of time before my soul is beyond salvation…

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Hey CowPokes!! Don’t Forget: the Christmas Competition is still running! Be sure to get yer entry in!

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Oh for Pete’s sake. Another nutcase has found ‘an image of the Virgin’ on a tortilla sandwich cinnamon bun fencepost pizza pan underpass pebble.

The Holy Pebble was found on a beach in New Zealand by a woman who had ‘an awesome run of luck’ after picking it up. Evidently the awesome run of luck wasn’t permanent since she’s put the Sacred Item up for online auction. Twice. The first time, the winning bid was a hoax. Dang. A hoax! Some people will do anything!

Unbelievably, for Round Two, there are as of this writing, already bids of many thousands of dollars.

A New Zealand Catholic Church spokesperson said the church was ‘cautious’ about responding to claims of holy images of the Virgin Mary, because many turned out to be fakes.

Smack me with a plank from the True Cross! Fakes? No way!

Thing is, you have to be pretty careful when it comes to seeing likenesses in patterns on pebbles. Look at it one way and some might see The Virgin but flip the picture upside down you’ll get an idea of exactly what kind of forces this woman is really messing with.

Lolcats be afraid.