Tetherd Cow Ahead

This man is Michael Cohen. Mr Cohen, it seems, has come by an amazing piece of video that ‘might be amongst the best proof we have that we are indeed being visited by aliens coming to us with a message of hope.’ The footage was taken in the Brazilian jungle by British tourists and ‘handed over to US secret agents’, the Brazilian government apparently having some kind of agreement with American spooks to obligingly do that kind of thing. It is unclear who then handed it on to Mr Cohen. We know for certain that the footage is Top Secret because it has a title card that says ‘Top Secret’ on it.

I mean, how much more persuasive could it be?

‘Stop stalling Reverend!’ I hear you cry. ‘Make with the video that shows us the alien Message of Hope! Well, you need to visit the site of that esteemed Australian news voice The Telegraph to see it, because I can’t embed it. Come back here when you’re done (if you don’t need a bit of a lie down first, that is).

Was that a Message of Hope or what?! Thank Xenu that we now know we are not alo… What’s that you say? You missed the alien? Seriously? Maybe you’d better watch it again. I’ve made you a little diagram so that you know where to look:

Was it better that time? Did you see the ‘mesmerising flashing light’ as well?

Mr Cohen proclaims that ‘This is highly compelling footage that will be hard to discredit’. Or it could be plain old pareidolia. I know that sounds far fetched, but hey. Should the footage turn out to be bona fide, however, what I want to know is what the little alien is actually doing here. He doesn’t seem to be delivering any Message of Hope to me. In fact, he seems… a little preoccupied.

Here’s a better resolution closeup. That’s the ‘mesmerising light’ over on the right – it’s gotta be his spaceship, right? So he’s parked it and has wandered a little way away behind a tree, and… well… it’s a bloody LONG WAY from Zeta Reticuli!

Acowlytes! Tell me I’m wrong!

Sometimes you find some very disconcerting things whilst browsing in secondhand shops.

You’re right, there’s no proof… but there’s no proof of Jesus…

Sometimes I just love teh internetz!

Researchers at the Cornell Creative Machine Lab came up with the brilliant idea of getting Cleverbot, their ‘intelligent’ chat program, to engage with its own doppelganger.

Clever Clogs: meet Clever Clogs.

Awesome.

Mild themes? What the fuck does that even mean? It’s so brainlessly stupid that I have to figure that the people on the censorship board just felt compelled to make something up to justify an already levied PG rating.

Here’s a conversation that formed in my head on viewing this:

Parent: Son, I’m afraid I can’t let you watch this DVD.

Junior: But Dad… it’s compulsory for my history class!

Parent: I’m sorry, it’s rated PG. See this label? It has Mild Themes.

Junior: But what kind of themes Dad?

Parent: Themes. They’re themes. Not strong themes, but themes all the same. I don’t want you seeing anything involving themes. It starts with themes, and before you know it you’ll be onto concepts and hypotheses. You’ll end up as some kind of philosopher. Or worse, a scientist. I know how these things go.

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*Meaningless Censorship

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My New Pink Button ™ is a temporary dye to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia. There is no other product like it. ((I was surprised to find there was ANY product like it.)) This patent pending ((Now there’s a patent I want to see…)) formula was designed by a female certified Paramedical Esthetician ((Yes, apparently there really IS such a thing.)) after she discovered her own genital color loss. ((How does one just ‘discover’ that kind of thing, I ask myself?))

You know, sometimes people think of such totally bizarre shit that I swear I couldn’t have concocted something like it if you’d given me an open brief and told me to totally weird out as many people as possible. I mean, tell me ladies, is this a thing? Do you ever lie awake at night worrying that your bits might not be the ‘right’ colour? Evidently Paramedical Esthetician and genital colorant innovator Karan Mari did. Either that or she had a particularly oafish and tactless boyfriend. ((“Honey, you know what? You just don’t look enough like a porn star. Isn’t there something you can do about that?”))

Anyways, if you’re in the market to polish up yer pink, you can hop right along to Amazon and put your $29.95 on the table. It looks like the Bettie and the Marilyn are selling fast, but there seem to be plenty of jars of the Audrey and the Ginger left.

Read the reviews while you’re there. They’re the best thing about the product, and very funny. Also very educational – I learned a new word.

Squack. (It has nothing to do with ducks).

Let the poetry commence.

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Via Regretsy (Where DIY Meets WTF?).