Spam Observations #2

This missive from Raymundo:

Hello,
This is just a folllllow-up to the eeemail we sent you a couple weeeeks ago, because you now quualiiify for a new mooort gaaaage.

You could get $394,000 for as littttle as $607 a moooonth! Baaad creediiit is no problem, you can pulllll ca$h out or reee f iinance.

Pleeease cliiick on this liiiink for freee cooosultation by a moooortgggage brooookeer:
Pleeaaase

Talk to you soon,
Raymundo Marshall

Raymundo manages to sound illiterate, idiotic and desperate simultaneously. It’s kind of like a typographical stutter. Especially the way it clears up as soon as he says his name.

I’m totally perplexed by these kinds of emails. I mean, who in possession of any amount of brain would respond to this? How does that mental process go?:

“Wow, that Raymundo is a smart dude! He figured out that by putting more vowels in mooooortgaaage he’d get round my spam filter. I’d best be sending off my ca$h to him quick smart!”

or maybe…

“Gollllly. Raymundo haaas the same proooobleeem wiiiith a brokkkken keeeeeeeybord that I haaaave. Heee surely neeedes my moneeeey!”

or perhaps…

“Shit. I’m so up to my neck in debt due to my complete incompetence with money that I’ll try and get into even more trouble by investing with some shonky internet shark with the confidence-inspiring name of Raymundo. He might even have some fake Rolexes or property in the Costa Rica he could sell me cheap…”

In Pete World, Raymundo would be forced to walk up and down Pitt St wearing a sandwich board that said “I am a useless piece of human trash. Please throw excrement at me”.