Wed 16 Apr 2008
Hand of Glory
Posted by anaglyph under Insane People, Peter Popoff, Skeptical Thinking
[19] Comments
OK. Now from the get go I want to impress upon you that I’m not making any of this up. Y’know, I just couldn’t in my screwiest dreams. I opened the envelope and this is what I found:
A cotton glove, a vial of ‘anointing’ oil and a plastic baggie. I swear.
It’s not enough that Prophet Pete writes to me about his 5.30 am ‘powerful flowings’ whilst calling out my name – now he’s evidently hinting that I get in on the act as well.
Let me see. What does he say in his letter this time… life changing opportunity… all things are possible… God’s hand touches you… Aha! Here’s the nitty gritty:
Take the enclosed packet of Holy Oil and completely cover your hand and place your HAND into the HAND OF GOD GLOVE… letting the oil saturate your needs. THEN FOLD IT AND RETURN IT TO ME along with this page as soon as possible after you place the glove into the enclosed zip lock bag.*
Really, I totally swear I’m not making it up!
Before you put it into the zip lock bag… TUCK YOUR SEED GIFT OF $20.00 into the HAND OF GOD GLOVE… saying “I CONFESS BOLDLY, GOD’S PLAN IS TO PROSPER ME, ELEVATE ME, AND CAUSE HIS FAVOR TO SHINE UPON ME. AS I FOLLOW GOD’S PLAN TODAY, ALL THAT MY HANDS TOUCH WILL BE BLESSED, AND FAVORED OF GOD, THIS SEED DETERMINES MY GREAT HARVEST THAT GOD WILL RELEASE TO ME.”
Now, is it just me, or is all this talk of oiling up your hand, powerful flowings and tucking your seed becoming just a teeny bit disturbing…?
The letter goes on for pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages until shortly before signing off, Prophet Pete promises to send me yet another gift:
GOD HAS GIVEN ME 3 FAITH CONTACTS TO RETURN TO YOU… God told me to send you 3 sticks of gum.
I swear on the Noodly Appendages of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I really am not making any of this up.
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*All emphasis exactly as it appears on the letter.
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19 Responses to “ Hand of Glory ”
Trackbacks & Pingbacks:
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[…] seem that Peter Popoff seems completely fixated on these bizarre and unsavoury nocturnal practices as at other times (we can hypothesize that Prophet Pete has been hanging around altogether too much with his pal […]
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[…] something very spiritual and private’ with the money. I think we all have a pretty good idea what kinds of things Prophet Pete does in the apse when no-one is […]
The Good Rev. Profit is a Perv.
And like all good Pervs, he gives out gum…
Ah, Revrend, you miss th genius o th prophets plan …
… cause when he gets around to askin you to shove a C-note up yer ass fer 24 hours & then send it to him, you know yer gonna wanna comply with THATn.
I think next time I go out on the town, I’m taking a tube of oil and a cotton glove so I can see how many drunk girls I can bless with my flowings.
Looks like he’s encroaching onto your territory.
I just knew there had to be something seedy there!
Wow, Popoff gives new meaning, and I did not realize he was actually Micheal Jackson
Peter, Peter,
glovie eater-
Gotta letter,
couldn’t chew it-
Got a cow and said-
let’s screw it!
allright, not a pretty mental image, but the glove and the oil and the baggie… eeeewwwww!!!
Dear Prophet Pete,
Elevate this.
Wait, he already used that line. Sorry.
Why have we been assuming that Prophet Pete is sane?
Haha… At first glance, looking at the single, rumpled white glove and small pouch of oily substance, my mind wandered instantly into the gutter. *shudder*
If it wasn’t for Casey’s recent revelation, I would be suspecting that you’re the only one who gets Prophet Pete’s letters, and in fact he is not a prophet, but your neighbor across the road who has been fantasising about you for years and is now making a last ditch effort to entice you away from Violet Towne.
Colonel: Y’know, like anyone’s going to eat gum that arrives in the mail from someone they don’t know. Especially someone who talks about their pre-dawn ‘flowings’.
Joey: I suspect Prophet Pete has accepted dirtier money than that.
Casey: Take plenty of pictures.
Atlas: I wonder if she’ll find any money up there? It would explain the artwork, if nothing else…
meggie: Yep, you have the measure of Prophet Pete alright. You want I should send him your address too?
Malach: No, that’s Michael’s other glove…
Colonel: Yes. Ewwwww is the expression. In all seriousness, I can’t help but think that Popoff must have some idea of the subtext of what he’s doing.He could be completely stupid of course, but really, who’d come up with sus ideas like the hand anointing and the ‘powerful flowings’ without having an inkling of what they were saying?
Jam: I don’t want to think about Prophet Pete elevating anything really. He’s already told me enough about what he does in the early hours of the morning.
Pil: He’s non compos mentis like a vulpes vulpes
Pixie: It’s only a very short distance from the activities of Prophet Pete to the gutter.
Pil: That might be a more plausible concept if he didn’t beg for money every time he writes.
And this prick has your address, yeah?
And I thought I had problems.
ADG
I want to puke for three reasons.
1.) that this idiot is passing this crap out.
2.) that people are actually doing it
3.) why didn’t I think of this scam before him?
Now we know who the sienslbe one is here. Great post!
Thanks for your support of the JREF ‘Datherine’!