Thu 7 Feb 2008
The Sweet Smell of Excess
Posted by anaglyph under Ephemera, Gadgets, Perfume, Silly, Technology
[29] Comments
Boy some people can come up with daft ideas.
Violet Towne has just started back at work for the year and in her work-supplied stationery package she found the above-pictured ‘Write Aroma’ pen*. Of course she thoughtfully passed it on to me (because she knew how much I’d love it), and I in turn pass it on to you (because I know how much you’ll love it too). In case it’s not immediately obvious from the packaging, it’s a car air-freshener that comes breathtakingly bundled with a pen. Or, conversely, a pen that comes bundled with a car air-freshener. Brilliant!
Because you know how often you’ve been in a car and simultaneously wished:
A: That it smelled artificially of apples
and
B: That you had a pen to write a sonnet.
I can’t begin to enumerate the times that’s happened to me. Now, thanks to Pentel, should I be in such a situation ever again, I am completely prepared. Truly a Wonder of the Modern Age. I’m so glad that natural resources are being squandered for the manufacture of this this must-have item. This is how Pentel pitches it on their website:
The convenient Write Aroma Car Kit features the new Pentel Energel dulex retractable rollerball pen. The pen (RRP $3.95) conveniently clip onto the airfreshener(RRP $6.00) so you will not loose $5.00 & never be lost for a pen in the car again.
Crikey. For people who make their business out of selling writing implements you’d think that Pentel might take some trouble to get some actual writers† to work on their advertising. I’m not at all sure why the Write Aroma is ‘convenient’ (it seems to me that for something to be convenient, it has to have some kind of actual utility to begin with – a gewgaw that does nothing useful in the first place can hardly aspire to make a grab for the added status of ‘convenience’…), and I’m completely baffled as to how it stops me loosing $5.00. Or losing it either.
You may be forgiven for making the mistake of thinking, as I did at first, that the pen writes with a perfumed ink as well. Now that would be a truly stupid idea.
So stupid in fact that there are abundant puveyors of such items. At Aroma Writes, for instance, you can buy pens that scribble in little trails of lavender, patchouli, rosemary, Pina Colada and cappuccino.
Why is this desirable, I hear you ask? Obvious: you choose a scent for the type of letter you’re writing! Let me elaborate:
Lavender: Dear Mum & Dad, I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time why I am so fond of musical theatre…
Patchouli: …and then we found these awesome mushrooms and spent the whole evening talking to the pixies…
Rosemary: Of course, for Sunday dinner I cooked up a roast leg of lamb which the whole family enjoyed…
Pina Colada: I also just love getting caught in the rain, the feel of the ocean and the taste of champagne…
Cappuccino: Holy the mysterious rivers of tears under the streets! Holy the lone juggernaut! Holy the vast lamb of the middle class!
…and so forth.
But here at Tetherd Cow Ahead, we feel that a real sense of vision from these perfumed pen peddlers is tragically absent. To this end, the clever boffins at TCA Enterprisesâ„¢ are hard at work improving on the Scented Pen concept in an effort to bring you a whole new world of olfactory calligraphic delights. So far we have perfected pens that will scent your correspondence with: bacon; ozone; asparagus-tinctured urine‡; mildew; Roquefort; whiskey; anchovies; pond water, formaldehyde and bratwurst. And we make a car kit too! Just think of the possibilities! Now, when you run into someone’s Merc in the parking lot you can leave them a bacon-scented apology note! Who could fail to be mollified by that?
And that’s not all! TCA Labs have even discovered a way to bring this concept into the digital age! Yes, that’s right, using the very same technology behind the TCA Virtual Glass of Water (VGW)â„¢, TCA Enterprisesâ„¢ in association with Hello From Hell Inc. brings you iSmellâ„¢. With iSmellâ„¢ you can now send aromatized** emails to your friends and families! I bet you didn’t see that coming Steve Jobs!
And should you think that concept has a fishy bouquet about it, just remember the folks at Pentel who managed to convince someone that bundling a pen with a car air-freshener was an idea worth bank-rolling.
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*You have to consider the concept that these useless tchotchkes are so unappealing and worthless that the only way that Pentel can get rid of them is to throw them in with other actually-useful stuff.
†Instead of out-of-work spammers.
‡Note: this scent undetectable by around 40% of people.
**It’s a real word. Ugly, I know, but somehow… apt.
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What is the small nibby thing nestled in the plastic?
That’s a convenient clip to conveniently clip the pen-and-air-freshener combo conveniently to the air-vent in your car.
Where do you find the time now you’re a parent?
sign me up for aromatized bratwurst emails!
Can you please add “Papermill” to your scent selection? Perfect for death threats and suicide notes.
‘cuse me I just farted
wolfman: I no longer sleep.
nursemyra: I’d’ve thought that the formaldehyde was more in your line…
Atlas: Hmm. I’m not sure I’m with you there. Of course, we are working on ink scented of ‘paper’ itself, for use in correspondence between Zen monks.
Malach: Oh. I thought that was the Pentel air-freshener.
The boys in the lab just showed me ‘chloroform’. Excellent for printing kidnappers’s business cards.
… but one can never read to the end of the line before succumbing …
Um… yes, indeed, that is the idea.
No no, not paper, paper mill. Have you never smelled one? I’ve had the “luxury” of living next to them in SC and WA. I’ve even been inside a plant from my own home town. They smell terrible.
I hope you don’t invent one that smells of the inside of a classroom, on a damp day!
My absolute favorite posts of yours are these ones where you introduce us to some newfound treasure. The example letters for each scent are genius!
I forgot to add: Atlas I used to live in a city where a paper mill on the edge of town was next to a plastic fork, knife, and spoon company. The stench burned my nose like heaping-highway-salt-sized mounds of fresh ground black pepper.
I trust the clever people at http://www.digiscents.com haven’t escaped you keen nose…
Boring unscented email might not be such a thing of the future!
Atlas: Yes, I figured you must have meant something like that, but I’ve never smelled a paper mill. I’ll take your word for it. I also want to point out that we’re not specializing in bad smells, more ‘special’ smells…
Meggie: Yes, that’s a very special smell. And also, the smell of the inside of a lunchbox.
buzzardbilly: Newfound treasures ‘r’ us here at The Cow. As for the stench, I can see that I’m going to have to add a visit to a paper mill to that long list of things to do before I die.
JR: I can make no better argument than to point you here. Which is, I assume, why the Digiscent link you gave doesn’t actually go anywhere.
The smell of the plastic inside my Grandad’s Cortina that he kept on the car doors for 15 years to protect the resale value before it was stolen from the church carpark during mass.
I’d like to know the name you’d market it under.
Does Violet Towne know which person at work chose the items for the stationery package?
Well, damn. I now find myself longing for a pen that will emit a variety of scents based on what I’m writing – a little peppermint for the Christmas cards, smoke and marshmallows for reminiscences of camping trips, lavender for love notes, and a hint of sulphur for writing to elected officials.
It would also be nice if it could spout those magical air sparkles that come from the wands of fairy godmothers.
Let me know when they’re ready for purchase.
Pil: All marketing ideas considered… so far I’ve only come up with Pong Pens (although the bacon one could go under the name of Pig Pen of course).
Phoebe Fay: Sulphur! Of course! How could I have ever overlooked that?
boggles the mind. the combinations are endless… how about “wet dog with gastrointestinal distress” for the veterinarian on the go?
Nice site. Will be adding to my must have list for regular reads. Read your faq’s page. Dig it.
The thing that irks me the most is the use of “loose” for “lose”. I see this more an more in posts that I read. Grammar and spelling are going the way of the dodo. I know this sounds like I am an “GOM” ,but I really think that poor spelling and grammar reflect a person’s commitment to doing a job well.
my 2c
S.
daisyfae: Maybe ‘wet dog…’ would be better suited to letters to your local representative. I get the feeling that vets would just be accustomed to it.
MI: Thanks for dropping by. Glad you find The Cow of some amusement.
hewhohears: What we’re seeing now is a whole new class of spelling errors – the ones that are words not spelled wrongly, just used incorrectly. We can blame this on spell checkers… ‘Loose’ and ‘Lose’ (or ‘loosing’ and ‘losing’) are both spelled correctly, but the spell check will not be able to pick up the incorrect context… See my upcoming post on Robots for some elaboration on these kinds of problems.
I cannot tell you how many times I have been about to buy air freshener for the car, but said to myself “Damn! it has nowhere to put a pen!” and forgone the aroma of synthetic lilacs.
The new product will make my life Complete!
Will you be marketing “Burnt Toast” aroma?
I would use my Pig Pen to annotate this book.
Seems the digiscents site was down for maintenance or some such…
It’s working for me now.
Colonel: Burnt Toast certainly does sound like something we should have in our line. It would be particularly effective when used in reminder notes.
Cissy Strutt: Hmm. I can see that there’s an opening for a BBQ Sauce Pen.
JR: … which doesn’t solve Digiscent’s financial problems any.
True, they may be having troubles monetizing (!) their (arguably stupid) idea, but they’re still not out of the game quite yet.
Anyway if they do end up making and Actual Product, god forbid, then it’s just more fun for you, pointing out its dubious charms to the good readers who stop by here…