O frabjous day! Callooh, callay!!!

Here I was wondering what the heck I was going to serve up as a delectable morsel for my Acowlytes to dine on today when an act of Divine Providence happened right on my doorstep! Well, in my letterbox to be more exact, but the doorstep is only about three feet away from that.

Yes my faithful feiends, it appears that the spammers, not content with assaulting me through my e-conduit have decided to take their message right to my real live front door on actual milled-from-living-trees paper. One can only hope that they don’t manage to upgrade their current quota of 90 billion spams per day to this method.

Anyway, this particular missive arrived addressed to me by name with the opening line:

Our prayer center received your phone call and your prayer request for God’s blessing on your finances… I have been praying for you non-stop ever since the operator gave me your name.

Since I can’t recall making that phone call it stands to reason that it was well over, oh, a couple of weeks ago (that’s about the limit of my memory these days) so this guy’s knees must be pretty stiff by now.

Flipping to the last page to see who I’m dealing with (there are two pages printed on each side with densely packed print featuring LOTS OF CAPITAL LETTERS) I see that it has been sent by my new friend ‘Prophet Peter Popoff’.

Hey waiddaminute… that name sounds familiar… let me just consult the Internets… Well stone the crows! I’ve been fingered by Spam Celebrity!

Yes, Peter Popoff has written to me personally to tell me how concerned he is for my wellbeing! Really!

Awww – I can see you don’t believe me. Here, let me show you just one of the envelopes he enclosed in his letter:

The First Envelope

See! That’s his real handwriting on there! Fair dinkum!

Well, what does Pete have to say? I won’t go into detail, there’s way too much to digest, but in a nutshell, if I follow his instructions I will get nothing less than EVERYTHING I WANT. Incredible, huh?

Oh there are SO many goodies in this ramble, it’s hard to know where to start.

Firstly, PPP makes an honest-to-God concrete prediction, viz:

I feel YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS AN UNPRECEDENTED MIRACLE as you follow divine leading and direction. You’ve prayed for a seemingly impossible miracle. On July 09 2007, the miraculous occurs. YOUR GREATEST PRAYER SHALL BE ANSWERED AND YOUR GREATEST WISH SHALL COME TO BE…

Hot diggedy dog! Now there’s the kinda predictin’ I like!

Oh, but hang on a bit, unsurprisingly there’s the fine print: …hindering spirit… puts me in the wrong time at the wrong place to take advantage of the miracle… yadda yadda yadda.

Oh dangnabbit Prophet Pete! Is there anything I can do to make SURE that my greatest wish will come true???

(Whack me with a broom pole there’s a lot of writing in this letter… instructions, instructions, more instructions…chaos in my life… someone who is about to cause fear… 7 Secret Prophetic Events…)

Aha! Here we have it:

There are 3 more IMPORTANT prophetic events that are yet to be revealed…However…I must obey God in this. YOUR OBEDIENCE IS THE KEY! I CAN ONLY REVEAL THEM TO YOU IN MY ANSWER…OBEY GOD IN THIS!

Now, in Jesus’ Name open the first envelope that has the Miracle Spring Water in it.

The First Envelope

Egad! The tension is too much! As you can see, the envelope contains the Miracle Water Packet and also a Prophecy & Holy Ghost Instructions. A completely dry ENVELOPE FULL OF WATER! That must be a miracle in itself.

This is TOO BIG A STORY for ONE POST, dear ACOWLYTES! Picture me if you will as I unholster my letter opener in the diminishing light of my near-exhausted flickering candle and prepare to reveal the contents of Envelope #1…

… and tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion to this rapturous tale!