Swine Flu is sweeping the globe,* so with the plague upon us, all the Christian wack-jobs are elbowing furiously for positions at the front of the queue for the End Times Spectacular. The folks at Rapture Ready are no exception. If you’ve never visited Rapture Ready, you should. I’ve trawled around it several times and it’s so completely unhinged that I’m still not entirely convinced that it’s not a giant leg pull.

Aside from interminable lists of things that presage The End (including Swine Flu of course)†, there are answers to questions such as What happens to members of non-Christian faiths in the event of the Rapture? (kiss your ass goodbye, Heathen), Is it okay for a man to dress like a woman? (what do you think, pervert?) and Do we all get the same rewards in Heaven? (of course not you sucker).

There’s also the Who will you spend Eternity with? comparison test. Predictably enough, Satan is not recommended. But quite disturbingly, if you decide (after reading about ‘pain so great you’ll be gnashing your teeth for all eternity’), that you don’t want to spend forever with Old Nick, and you click on the link at the bottom of all the dire warnings To see what the requirements are for following Jesus, you get catapaulted into Rapture Ready limbo with an ‘Oh great, now you’ve done it. You’re complete lost’ (sic) error.

Rather offputting if you’ve just seen the error of your ways and opted for a speedy conversion before the rain of frogs starts. I like to think that there’s way more truth in it, though, than the Rapture Ready site creators ever intended…

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*Hyperbole for effect. Why should the newspapers have a monopoly on sensationalism?

†Well that’s a sure bet – if they just keep on shovelling enough crap in there, inevitably there will come a time where they can say ‘See? We told you so!’

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