Thu 3 Jan 2013
The Airspeed Velocity of an Unladen Swallow?
Posted by anaglyph under Spam Observations
[21] Comments
My new friend Fernando Tobin wrote to me on Tuesday with some New Year’s advice:
From: Fernando Tobin
Subject: Secrets_Get any woman with questions.
Date: 1 January 2013 4:20:01 PM AEDT
To: Reverend_Attn _Men
_Getting __ any women_ SecretIf you want to learn how to turn on any woman in the world, then we will help you make this happen…get ready, because once we teach you how to do this, there is no turning back.
There are 3 questions that will turn on any woman right after they hear them…They really do work…Do you want to know what these 3 questions are?
Oooh. No turning back. That sounds more like a threat than a promise.
Fernando left me a helpful link to a video, which wasn’t actually a video unfortunately, because that would have been both honest AND entertaining. But the 3 questions. Whatever do you think they might be?
(1) Have you seen a little yellow Maserati convertible around here somewhere… I can’t remember where I parked it?
(2) It is Thursday isn’t it? The yellow one on Thursdays.
(3)And we’re in Australia again I’d be guessing, that right?
How cynical you are, Peter.
Could be your best ever blog title, Rev!
1) Do you speak French?
2) Do you have a job?
3) Do you have a sister?
I’m a little confused about those three questions. You might have to explain.
I can’t take credit for the title. The wonderful Monty Python crew of course…
Nah – not cyncial – we’ll make it a Ferrari then… perhaps a Ferarri … either would be OK I suspect.
Tinged with the scent of singed flesh, Rev.
Did you hear that Kim Kardassian is pregnant? I’ve been unable to sleep.
Kim who?
1. When would you like me to do the dishes?
2. How’s my hoovering?
3. Oh I just like cuddling. Don’t you?
I wish you hadn’t told us that. Now there’s no turning back.
Ms Cissy,
Yes I’ve always found that the target gender is simply overwhelmed by offers of domestic servitude and comes across immediately.
New questions then:
(1) Where’s your Jif blue eyes?
(2) Don’t you find that bath grime is just so totally intractable my passion flower?
and of course, that eternal icebreaker –
(3) What sort of lawn-mower you got darlin’?
I now think it helps to direct the question more personally – like callin’ ’em some sweetname like “sexy legs” or “hornbag” … builds up the ambience and puts sex right up on the agenda.
Ah romance – where would we be without it?
I had hoped the 3 Questions would not involve domestic obligations. Like, 3 MAGIC questions.
Yep – I’d hoped to avoid the ironing myself – obviously where I’m going wrong.
I was watching Moonraker last night thinking about all those scenes they must cut out where 007 is down on his knees in the tux scrubbing and doing the venetians …
Foreplay… it’s a mystery to me.
So many excellent responses to a fraught subject. All I know is how to turn a man on:
1. Smile
2. Briefly frown
3. Smile
I have been known to do this to men unconsciously!
All I can think of is actions rather than 3 amaaaaazing questions.
1. Arriving home to clean house and dinner waiting.
2. Waking up to a nice cuppa instead of the usual morning…
3. Arriving home to clean house, kids at grandparents and dinner waiting.
Clearly I’m not “any” woman Fernando holds the secret to.
Most excellent subject Rev – who’da thought that sexual mores would elicit so much so early in 2013.
;P
The thing, is, with men, there’s only one question needed. The imbalance is highly unfair.
Hello … the delightful Ms A has entered the paddock. Happy 2013 Ms A and lovely to hear you up and about in here.
Now what is this single solitary question Rev?
I’ll have you know I’ve never asked fer it in my life and have no intention to start now at my age. We all know where that road leads. Piles of salt all along our highways.
No, asking is for losers. I have found that sitting slumped in the kitchen, with the light off, facing the wall after a day of ironing, carpet shampooing and cleaning the venetians is an absolute shoo-in matrimonially speaking.
There is also the added bonus of a ready excuse for flagging enthusiasm and exhaustion. Not that such malingering will be tolerated forever.
OK it’s not an alpha male sort of approach admittedly but obviously there’s an audience and a market. And a barely satisfied market it’d be, I’d wager.
I think you misunderstood me, Peter. What I’m saying is that women only need to ask one question: variations on ‘How about it, then, big boy?’
(And I know that you all understand that this is bantering for the sake of humour and that I don’t think life is quite as clichéd as that. Usually).
Ah that’d be it then – never having been the asker nor the askee, I’m totally out of my depth. Sadly.
Anyway between the sportscars and the vacuuming and the wild abandoned cavorting unleashed thereby, who’s got time to be answering a lot of questions?
So, I couldn’t resist the smell of woo to the question, and I Googled it.
Seems your scammer was ripping off a shyster, one “Vin DiCarlo” who has something he calls the “Pandora’s Box” system, which asks three questions about the target/victim.
The rationale is to categorize the victim, each question testing one of three binary choices, resulting in one of 8 types. Each pigeonhole, naturally, has a name.
This is the same kind of crazy oversimplification you see in political pundits, management seminars, and so on.
The “questions” are:
1. What gives you the most fulfillment in life?
2. What is the one thing you would need if trapped on a deserted island?
3. What emotions will you experience when you achieve your most far-reaching goal?
These test three pairs of traits:
(“Tester” or “Investor”?)
(“Denier” vs “Justifier”)
(“Realist” vs “Idealist”)
Which then map to one of 8 “personality types”.
Playette, Social Butterfly, Hopeful Romantic, Cinderella, Your Private Dancer, Seductress, Connoisseur, Modern Woman.
Which questions map to which traits, and thence to which personality tag, I don’t know and don’t think really matters: you get the idea anyway. Categorize your target according to three aspects of your attack; tailor your attack appropriately; be guaranteed constant sex and babes!
Prefer OKCupid’s system, myself. But that’s because it’s clearly designed and run by geeks :P
http://www.slideshare.net/vetman/11-the-ultimate-strategy-guide – book 12? They spun it out to THAT many words? Okay, I’m impressed.
Also, ‘Playette’? ‘Modern Woman’? Oh dear.
Good Mornin’ Mr O – too darn hot to sleep.
Women have as many as 8 “personality types”? And I thought it was either slut or madonna.
Makes it so tough for the fellas. Good that the lerv-shysters stick to basic binaries. Sounds so much more ‘sciency’ dividing women into 8 categories.
Not 7 or 9.
8.
Hey Rev
“Why not act like a decent human being?”
I was going to suggest treating women as decent human beings, but behaving like one (I mean human being) is good too – works both ways.