Tue 1 Jan 2013
End Times
Posted by anaglyph under Competition!, Meme, Poetry, Rasputin
[31] Comments
Faithful Acowlytes. If you’re reading this, then the world didn’t end in 2012. Oh, I know the Mayan calendar supposedly had us all vaporizing on December the 21st, but hey, I’m prepared to give those Mayans a little headroom. By anyone’s reckoning, January 1st 2013 by the Gregorian calendar is a fair margin of error, right?
Of course, this was about the kajillionth time the world has ended recently anyway, so the Mayans had their thunder stolen somewhat by Harold Camping et al last year (and the year before that, and a couple of years before that…) and so looked a little tawdry in the End Times Predictions stakes. But enough of all that world-ending malarkey. It’s not like that’s going to be a problem any time soon is it? My it’s warm here today.
Despite the constant preoccupation with End Times scenarios, I had a pretty good 2012 all in all. I know the Cow hasn’t been as active this year, and that’s for many reasons, but is mostly to do with a fairly busy work schedule on my part. It’s not for want of subject matter that’s for sure. The world continues to be full of Cow-worthy events – so full in fact that I have about two or three dozen ideas for Cow posts in my scrapbook, if only I had the time to get around to them. These next few months we’ll be examining a machine that lets you talk to ghosts, stones that make your hifi sound better, more wacky antics from our friends the robots and another wonderful contender for stupidest and most ineffectual pest gadget on the planet. So be sure you stick around.
For now, though, let me wish you all the best things for 2013, and thank you sincerely for your friendship and repartee through 2012. The Cow continues to be one of the best fun things in my life, and without my readers, that would not be so.
But let’s not tarry any longer – I know what you’ve all tuned in for… As you can see, this year I’ve roped in Sir Christopher Lee to help with the festivities. He’s a pretty good sport having even recently participated in a heavy metal Christmas album, so I just know he’s going to rise to the occasion for today’s event. If you’re puzzled as to what’s going on here (and what goes on every year on January 1st at Tetherd Cow) you might want to familiarize yourself with The Rules, and then dive right in. I expect solid participation from the lot of you!
And I apologize to Joey – this isn’t the easy lob out of the ballpark that I hinted it might be last year. Thinking caps on my friends! Make the Bard envious!
Happy New Year!
“Rasputin,” said Christopher Lee,
“Is surely the epitome
Of holiday fun,
Embodying one,
Though quite a LONG, festivity!”
Here, let me pour you a whisky, young Joey.
Happy New Year, Rev.
Tried Quinta Ruban tonight.
Tastes a shitload better than Paul Reubens, don’t it?
What’s the verdict?
As we kick off the Year of the Snake
Sir Christopher’s promised to make
A film, which when done
Will demonstrate none
Of the myths of Rasputin are fake
So, Sir Christopher Lee does Heavy Metal?
The Mad Monk, envious, decides to fettle
An axe and Marshall, with knobs at eleven
Which sends the fans to seventh heaven
Shredding forth with fingers blazing
His pick flys off (but he’s still amazing)
A substitute he seeks to find
and reaches to the jar enshrined
Alas there is but one addendum
His pickled pecker is now his plectrum
Nice tie-ins!
I read, on the Rasputin wiki,
That this new film is proving quite tricky
Seems they’re anticipating
A Disney G-Rating
– I fear someone’s taking the Mickey!
I know that the chances weren’t strong
But I’m quite glad the Mayans were wrong
If the world had gone boom
We’d not be, I presume,
Still here to toast Rasputin’s schlong
“Radagast,” Saruman said
“I think that you may be brain dead.
I just do not get
Why it is you would let
All those birds to just shit on your head.”
It’s never quite the same without Malach interjecting about this point, with some really dumbass comment.
Like: “It’s a geoduck not a giant penis!”
Chromium, Manganese, Copper and Zinc
Are all heavy metals one might find in a sink
Another one’s lead (also known as plumbum)
Which Rasputin doth lack (due to the hack)
Of his member which strangely enough, feels kind of numb.
His detached floppily doppily can be used to inscribe
On paper, the music, the punters imbibe.
But I hear you cry “graphite, not lead, is used in his willy!”
Which makes all my science look kind of silly
But for marketing purposes (to make some sort of rock ‘n roll stencil)
The Mad Monk definitely requires some lead in his pencil.
There could be a prize in that. Send me yr snailmail address via email for a special New Year’s treat.
There are still hours left to make your selection
Might there be a better sort of erection?
I don’t wish to seem some sort of ponce
but don’t blow your wad all at once.
Ah, but you see, I’m King in this Land
I dispense my largesse by Royal command
The Rules are my own, as I may devise
And anyway, who says there’s only one prize?
The chances the Mayans were right
Have fallen to zero from slight:
Rasputin has checked
While fully erect,
Declaring, “There’s no end in sight.”
Rasputin, as ever the wag
Misses no chances to brag
As we bring in the year
With a shout and a cheer
All he needs on his pole is a flag
Mayans
Unprescient
Failed to foresee the Spanish.
(They didn’t see them coming, you might say.)
Christopher Lee,
Old scenery chewer,
Large cocked.
You can see him from space.
Rasputin,
suspended in time between Mayan and Lee,
Member suspended in
Formaldehyde (we assume),
Smiles on
Smiles on.
Rasputin’s vacation was spent
With Pitka and camping they went.
Pitka found wood
While Rasputin just stood
Smiling and pitching a tent.
Just four more hours to play
Before we call it a day…
Pitka and his partner, when presented with a clue
From the Missing Persons Bureau, speculated who
Stared out from the artist’s sketch — a figure largely phallic.
The partner said, “Rasputin’s dick?”, and Pitka answered, “Malach.”
A second sketch presented left the partner quite perplexed
But Pitka recognized it right away and wasn’t vexed.
“What is that?” the partner asked, “an elephant from life?”
“No,” responded Pitka, “that right there is Malach’s wife.”
And with that late folie à deux from Joey & Atlas I’m afraid that’s the end of another Rasputin Ramble. Distracted players this year, but at least we saw Cissy at the end. Also a good run from Buccanears – well played sir.
Thanks all. Hope your New Year’s celebrations went well, and bring on 2013!
I have to pop up to represent the fine Art of the prose poem, overshadowed as it is in this clime
By rhyme.
And beautifully represented it was.
I think this was the first sanctioned Rasputin event that did not include an appearance by King Willy.
On a happier note, though, Buccanears should definitely be rewarded for bringing the raunch this year! Let 2013 be the Year of the Detached Floppily Doppily!
HAPPY NEW YEAR, FOLKS!
Yeah, not sure where the King was this year. But at least no more knighthoods were flung about. It’s hard to compete, being a plain old Reverend & all.
Anyways, thanks all, it were fun. I’ve sent a little treat off to Buccanears, but methinks there needs to be some kind of official Detached Floppily Doppily award for future sparring matches. I will work on it.
Salut!
I have received in the post a most interesting item
Which I opened in haste, in order to sight them
A wondrous vestment (I screamed with delight)
Which I shall wear proudly by day or by night.
now everyone will know where your allegiances lie!