Mon 7 Mar 2011
Sackcloth and Ashes
Posted by anaglyph under Insane People, Religion, Signs, Skeptical Thinking, Stupidity, WooWoo
[21] Comments
Acowlytes! The End of the World is nigh! Really! OK, yes, I know I’ve said it before, but this time it’s going to happen! I swear! And a full year before the Mayans said it would! ((Dammit. I haven’t got my End TImes accomodation organized yet! I thought I had another whole year.))
On May 21st, 2011, according to a Christian broadcasting ministry called Family Radio, God is going to finally wipe the slate clean and remove from the face of the planet the festering disease that is humanity. ‘Judgment Day May 21, 2011. The Bible guarantees it!’ they holler – it’s written in no uncertain terms in Ezekiel 33:3!
Let’s just dial that up, shall we?
If when he seeth the sword come upon the land, he blow the trumpet, and warn the people.
Er… hmm. No May 21 date there, as near as I can tell. Just more of the same ol’ same ol’ as far as ‘end times’ prophecy goes. But Family Radio claims they have Infallible Proof of the date and they’ve set it all out here. ((Really, don’t bother. Your brain will just collapse in on itself.)) There you go. Judgment day written in stone for May 21, 2011.
Mark the day in your diary, because you can be sure we’ll be visiting them to get their explanation for the no show of God and his Heavenly Hosts. Will it be a mathematical error? Will it be a misinterpretation of the biblical prophecy? Or will it be that God has just given the lot of us away as a bunch of no-hoper losers?
Stay tuned to Tetherd Cow Ahead End Times Radio for the Countdown to Apocalypse!
(Seriously, I wonder how these people, many of whom have given up their entire former lives to ‘spread the word’, are going to cope when Judgment Day doesn’t happen. How does a brain resolve an absolute prediction like that not coming true?)
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Big thanks to Atlas for the find.
21 Responses to “ Sackcloth and Ashes ”
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Heheh! Yup. Them and the Jehovah’s Witnesses. The JWs originally predicted it for 1914 or thereabouts and WWI had ’em frothing at the mouth, looking for the rapture and saying “We told you so”. Then of course…
…they all had to buy back their worldly goods and chattels.
So anyway, they checked their “facts” and discovered an interpretive error: “Oh no, the prophecy didn’t mean 1914 – it meant the generation of 1914 “would not pass away” before the Armageddon.”
Counting down…
Ah, there’s always that ol’ ‘interpretive error’ escape clause, isn’t there. I bet that’s what we’ll find here too…
They already have a built in excuse. “If I’m here on the 22nd, that means I wasn’t one of the elect.” Sigh.
Roses are red, violets are blue
Jesus is cumming!
So why not you?
Actually, they can’t use that excuse. The biblical description of Judgment Day and the Rapture make it quite clear that you’ll know if you’ve been left behind. If for no other reason than that a large number of the human (Christian, we must speculate) population will suddenly just disappear. It’s not something that would go unnoticed.
On May 21, 2011 …
NUT #1: What time is it?
NUT #2: (Looks at watch) It’s 11:59 PM.
NUT #1: Okay … Should be any second now …
Of course they could just kill themselves.
(And that’s worked before…)
Pssst…. apostrophe alert in the second line
Ah, thank you Nurse Myra. It was an editing error, in fact – I had originally written ‘A full year before the Mayan’s prediction of it’, but thought it was clumsy so did the ol’ cut & paste and missed the apostrophe.
:-)
I started reading the ‘proof’, but I just couldn’t get past this:
“We have learned that the precise date of the cross was April 1, 33 A.D”
Looks like they missed a big fat clue right there…
I’m surprised you could even get that far. That kind of meandering and elliptical calculation just causes my eyes to glaze over.
Phew. I’ve just worked out (from consulting Ecclesiastes) that I will be in Dubai on May 21st amongst the Muslims. So I’m OK.
So long, suckers.
Better check Muslim prophecies before you get too cocky.
I had a look at the proof too and couldn’t see anything in front of my eyes except weird gibberish. About the only thing that stood out for me was the line:
These 1,955 actual years are symbolized by 1,000 years.
Yeah right.
I love that video though, and I think it is an excellent suggestion that these people should meet their maker on the appointed date.
It saddens me that people like this use up resources, time and money on this shit. They could be building shelters for the homeless instead for example.
What they really want is their dreary lives to end with some cosmic voice saying “Yes, you really are special” at the finale. Unfortunately the lyric from a song of a band I used to be in seems to sum it up rather well:
“Your whole life story, your moment of glory’s been bla bla bla banality.”
I look forward to May the 21st Rev, are we having a special countdown poetry party on the day here at The Holy Cow?
The King
An End of Days Poetry Competition sounds like a jolly fine idea your Majesty. So be it!
I can’t thank you enough for pointing out yet another reason my bills may be late in the coming months.
I suggest you try the strategy of simply telling your utility providers that the world is going to end in May, so you’ll see them in court in June. Mwahahaha!
“Cowntdown” shurely?
I wonder what signs of the apocalypse we should be looking out for. Of course this is going to be a long weekend here, so I’ll like have had too many India pale ales to notice anyway.
Same signs as usual – plagues of frogs, hail and boils, sun turning the colour of blood, speaking animals. You know.