Tetherd Cow Ahead

It had to happen sooner or later. SGM was set upon so frequently by life’s insults that taking refuge in the Tao plainly offered the best option. The least you could do is give up your seat for him.

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Simple Graphics Monk comes to you courtesy of Cissy Strutt and her friend Siro.

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Cow Housekeeping: I have installed a plugin that will allow you to subscribe to all NEW Cow posts as they occur. You’ve been able to subscribe to comments for a while, but theoretically you should now be advised when ever the Cow speaks new thoughts. Just click on the Subscribe button over to the right in the side bar and fill in your email details. You can unsubscribe at any time, should you ever crazily decide to do that.

That is all. We now return you to normal service.

By way of explanation for the non-Australians: earlier this year the northern parts of the east coast of Australia were devastated by rain and floods, significantly damaging the large banana crops that are grown there. As a consequence, the price of bananas has more than tripled throughout the land, and they have become something of a luxury item in recent months. Pic comes courtesy of Cissy Strutt who snapped this in her ‘hood.

Today I’m going to try something new. I’m going to INVENT some kind of crazy new pseudoscientific idea and try and get people to believe it. First of all, I’m going to pick a field of interest that has some high levels of subjectivity. OK, um… – oh I know, wine tasting! There’s all sorts of hocus pocus goes on with that. Now let’s see… I’ve got it! You know when people swish the wine around in the glass? Could it be that swishing it clockwise makes it taste different to swishing it anticlockwise? You know: clockwise swirling brings out the spicy notes and anti-clockwise makes it taste more of the fruit. Genius! I’ll call it ‘wine swirling’ and…

Sorry? What’s that you say? It already exists? People actually already believe it? Come ON! That’s ridiculous! No-one could seriously come up with such a patently silly notion…!

Yes, my dear Acowlytes, it is true. Faithful Cowpoke JR points me to this article from the owner of a tour company in the Napa Valley in California, that espouses the fine art of wine swirling. This is what Mr Ralph de Amicis, of Amicis Tours has to say:

This idea starting circulating around Napa via Twitter and here it is in a nutshell. When you swirl your wine to the left (counter clockwise) the scent you pick up is from the barrels over the grapes, what we call the spice shelf. When you swirl the wines to the right (clockwise) you pick up more flavors from the fruit.

O-k-a-a-a-y…. The idea started on Twitter, that completely reliable repository of fact and commonsense. That speaks volumes. Mr de Amicis goes on:

I’ve shown this to clients in the tasting room and experimented with it myself and found it to be true, and especially noticeable with wines that have spent significant time in newer oak barrels. The question comes up, why is that?

Well, Mr de Amicis, the answer comes back pretty smartly: you’re deluding yourself. But don’t, for God’s sake, attempt any kind of explanation because you’ll only…

Like all living things wine cells have a magnetic polarity, just like humans and the Earth. The positive pole is more highly charged, just like the North Pole of the Earth, which is why there are Northern Lights in the Arctic Circle, but not Southern Lights in the Antarctic. This polarity tends to keep wine cells generally upright, spinning on their axis when they are being swirled…

Awww…dagnabbit!! I was feeling like cutting you a little slack but then you went and did some pretendy science on me. Sigh.

I guess by now about, oh, every person who lives in the Southern hemisphere has told you that there is, in fact, an Aurora Australis, which is exactly the same as the Aurora Borealis only on the other pole. Your failure to know this, and the cavalier attempt to base a line of reasoning on it, kinda nails your scientific credentials to the mast right there. ((If Mr Amicis had taken a few seconds to make a cursory check on Wikipedia he might have seen this: ‘Its southern counterpart, the aurora australis (or the southern lights), has almost identical features to the aurora borealis and changes simultaneously with changes in the northern auroral zone.’))

When you swirl the wine counter-clockwise you are pushing against the molecules nap, just like stroking the fur of a cat the wrong way, this dislodges anything on the surface. Since the flavor from the barrel is introduced fairly late in the wine’s development it tends to concentrate in the outer layers. When you swirl the wine counter-clockwise it dislodges that flavor, while at the same, pushing liquid into the pores, inhibiting the fruit flavors that are inside the cell from coming out.

Molecules have nap? ‘Flavor’ is on the ‘surface’ of the molecules and can be ‘dislodged? Molecules have pores? ‘Liquid’ goes into the ‘pores’ of the cells? Molecules? What? Ping! Now let’s be honest Mr de Amicis. You just made all that crap up, didn’t you? Like you made up the non-existence of the Southern Lights. You haven’t the foggiest clue how taste and smell work, have you? (You don’t hold shares in Special One Drop Liquid, by any chance? Or study under Dr Werner?)

Evidently I wasn’t the only one who found Mr de Amicis’s ‘science’ risible, as he was quick to post a justification of his views on his site. In this, he makes much of his scientific qualifications:

I’ve written eight books on wine country, three books on natural health, I’m a Master Herbalist with forty years of experience working with plants and people, a Naturopathic Physician, and I’ve lectured extensively on anatomy and physiology.

Right, so no actual science accreditation, then? ((Lecturing on something does not count as academic endorsement. I could ‘lecture’ on brain surgery, but it doesn’t mean I know anything at all about it.)) And nothing there about geomagnetic science, molecular chemistry or physics, which does explain rather a lot. Not content with just riding the faux pas out, though, our knowledgeable tour guide just keeps on digging…

Everything has a polarity right down to the atomic level, and when put into suspension in a liquid it rotates in relation to that pole. Because we are on a planet that has both a polar system and a consistent rotation, everything forms with a pole and a circular patterning. Wind it one way and it tightens and wind it the other and it unwinds.

Uh. That’s what you learnt in herbal school, is it? Or in naturopathy college? Because they sure as hell don’t teach it in any science class I’ve ever been in. ((Mr de Amicis’s view of the planet is, evidently, that it functions like it’s powered by a giant rubber band.))

Honestly this is just basic physics related to molecular science and plant chemistry, something which herbalists and herbal researchers deal with all the time.

Honestly! Basic physics! Like the non-existence of the Aurora Australis due to the polarity of the Earth! ((Anyone with even an ounce of geophysical knowledge knows that the auroras don’t have anything at all to do with the positive or negative polarity of the the planet, but appear at the poles due to the shape of the Earth’s magnetic field and its focussing effect.))

By the way, I’ve done an informal study of this and my hyper-sensitive clients all notice the difference in the swirl directions and the nature of the scents. I would love to hear other people’s theories about this,

And I would love to oblige!

What’s going on here, Mr Amicis, is that your brain is tricking you. Because you have sold yourself on this daft idea, and because wine tasting is full of subjective assessments, you (and your ‘hyper-sensitive clients’) merely think that you’re detecting an effect. In proper science (that is, the kind that they don’t teach in naturopathy school) we have a way of eliminating this problem of self-delusion. It’s called ‘double blinding’ and I’m fairly sure ((When I say ‘fairly sure’ I am just being linguistically coy. I am in fact 100% certain.)) that if you had an unbiased third party set up a double blind testing of your idea you’d find that the ‘swirling factor’ mysteriously vanishes. I’m not going to explain double blinding here on the Cow for the millionth time, but I really do suggest you look it up on Wikipedia and familiarize yourself with the concept before you go making a further fool of yourself. You should probably read up on the auroras and the magnetosphere as well. Just saying.

The moral to this story, if it’s not obvious, is that if you want to promote something as science, make sure you understand what science is. Especially if you decide to write about it on your web site where the whole world can see it.

The US Military seems to have lost their new ultra hi-tech Falcon HTV-2 ‘hypersonic’ aircraft. The plane, which undoubtedly cost kazillions of dollars, ((Funny how the military never seems terribly impeded by financial market woes…)) was being tested over the Pacific yesterday when it suddenly (some ((Oh yes, some are already saying it…)) might say ‘mysteriously’…) stopped communicating with the US Defence Advance Research Projects Agency engineers.

Now, now. I can hear you snickering there Acowlytes. A little more sympathy please. We all know how distressing it can be to lose something. Why, only last week I lost my reading glasses and it was causing me all end of grief. I remembered, however, advice my dear old Dad gave me when I found myself in such circumstances, and I herewith offer that advice up to DARPA. ((After all, we don’t want to be too hard on DARPA – they are the reason I’m able to be here chatting with you, Faithful Cowpokes!))

•Take a deep breath and don’t flip out. That doesn’t help.

•Ascertain that the item is actually missing, and that your Mum didn’t put it away in the cupboard.

•Check your pockets. The missing item turns up there 90% of the time.

•Don’t play the blame game. The odds are that you lost it through your own stupid actions (as much as I was predisposed to think that China stole my spectacles, it was more likely that I had misplaced them).

•Retrace your steps (you might be amazed how many stops you made between Vandenberg Air Force base and the troposphere).

•Search the obvious places twice. I mean – guys: The Pacific Ocean? Are you sure you checked everywhere?

•When all else fails, try putting up some posters around the neighbourhood. I’m totally sure that if North Korea found your plane they’d be happy to give it back, especially if you offered them a reward.

Some ways back, I dipped my toe briefly into the sludgy pool of grandiose claims and unsupported hogwash that makes up the field of ‘ultrasonic’ or ‘electronic’ pest eradication. A few days ago Faithful Acowlyte Matthew reminded me that I’ve been meaning to revisit this daft corner of Wooville when he sent me this recent offering from Pest Control Peddlers Pestrol.

As if they’re still living in the ’60s, Pestrol seems to think that it’s impressive to point out that their product, Pestrol Rodent Free is ‘seen on TV’. In their FAQ they are equally eager to boast that it’s ‘advertised on talkback radio Australia wide’ which I gather is intended to imply something other than ‘we paid some irritating radio personality to advertise it’. Are people so stupid that these kinds of vapid endorsements get them reaching for their wallets? But silly me – I guess that anyone with a brain is not the main market for this product, as we shall see.

This ‘latest technology’ that the Pestrol seems so overjoyed to introduce is that of ultrasonics. Since ultrasonic devices have been round for decades, this seems rather a lot less impressive than if they’d said it used, oh, quantum tunneling or carbon nanotubes, two other technologies that would be just as effective at repelling rodents as ultrasonics (ie, not at all, if you haven’t guessed) and are a lot more current and cool sounding. I might even be tempted to buy a rodent repelling device that claimed to use quantum tunneling. At least it wouldn’t be quite as easy to completely ridicule as one using ultrasonics.

The Pestrol Rodent Free technique emits a disorienting pulse that startles and frightens away insects and rodents from your home or office.

O-k-a-a-a-y… and the science to support the idea that that rodents and insects don’t like those ‘disorienting’ ultrasonics pulses comes from… where… exactly? What’s that you say? You heard it from a friend of a friend?

The fact is, evidence for ultrasound being an effective deterrent against rodents is slim. It is vaguely possible that the noise irritates them somewhat, but since rats will repeatedly endure full electric shocks to get at human food, it is unlikely that a slightly bothersome noise is going to have much of an effect.

The Pestrol Rodent Free will need to be plugged into a power point approximately 0.2 metres from floor level in order for the ultrasonic to run along the ground, living rooms and hall ways.

Now, are you forming a picture in your minds, dear Acowlytes, of ultrasonics ‘running along the ground’ through your house? I know I am. Because everyone knows that sound (ultrasonics are nothing more than high frequency sound waves) behaves just like that – seeping along at floor level. Even if ultrasound did work, it would not matter one whit where in the room you put the device as long as it was relatively unobstructed.

But let’s be fair. Pestrol Rodent Free doesn’t rely solely on ultrasonics. No way José.

Pestrol Rodent Free combines electromagnetic, ultrasonic and ionic technologies to help free your home of rats, mice and aids with the control of cockroaches.

Yes friends, Pestrol Rodent Free deploys a veritable Holy Trinity of implausible techniques to keep your home pest-free. There’s our old friend ‘electromagnetism’ that well-known bane of pests of all kinds, and a new player in the game: ionic technology.

Animals are naturally sensitive to negative ions. ((Who says so? And in what way? This claim means absolutely NOTHING in this context.)) Long before a lightning storm, insects and rodents sense a change in the environment and look for protection away from the storm.

So let’s see – the negative ions are supposed to simulate a thunderstorm so the rodents go looking for shelter… in your house. Good one Pestrol!

This is a shining example of what I call ‘selective woo’. Elsewhere you will find gadgets being peddled under the claim that ‘negative ions’ are actually beneficial for the very reason that rats and cockroaches don’t like them. In other words, the arbitrary decision by humans to decide something is a pest is all it takes to turn the power of ions from desirable to repulsive. Amazing!

Selective woo comes into play with other aspects of the Pestrol Rodent Free, too. The makers claim that it is effective against rodents and insects and even possums (which in this country are marsupials), and yet will not effect your pets. How can this possibly be? Well:

Pestrol Rodent Free has been used for many years by thousands of satisfied customers in Australia and NZ. Will not affect dogs, cats, birds, or fish as they have a different genetic structure to rodents and cockroaches

Ah. It’s the genetic structure. Of course! Rodents, as any student of biology surely knows, are much more closely related to cockroaches than they are to cats and dogs or other mammals. Or marsupials. Or birds or fish.

This is, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you, complete and utter claptrap. Elsewhere you will find that these kinds of devices are supposedly effective against deer, rabbits, skunks, squirrels, bats, foxes, raccoons, chipmunks and armadillos. And, paradoxically it would seem, cats and dogs as well, should you find them vexatious rather than cute and fluffy. In fact, the chief benefit of Pestrol Rodent Free-style devices seems to be that they will repel anything that you decide you don’t want hanging around, and won’t affect anything else! I wonder if it is effective against people selling pseudoscientific crap?

‘But Reverend,’ I hear you interrupting ‘there’s a 30 Day Money Back Guarantee! It says there in BIG WRITING. How could they possibly offer that if there wasn’t anything to it?!’

Aha, young Acowlyte, that’s another trick to get you to part with your hard-earned cash (All $119.00 frigging dollars of it in this case). You sure can get your money back if you return your Pestrol Rodent Free within the 30 days specified… but what’s this in the FAQ?

How do I know if my Pestrol Rodent Free is working?

You may see increased activity as rodents and cockroaches are forced from their hiding places. Often it can take up to 3 weeks to remove rodents. Cockroaches may take longer as eggs can lay dormant for many months before they hatch.

Right. So you may not see the desired effect from the device for 21 whole days. ((Indeed, you may see INCREASED rodent activity – the exact opposite of the desired outcome – in the first 3 weeks of use!)) Factor in a week or so for postage and there goes your money back guarantee. You’ll certainly have blown your cash if you wait around ‘for many months’ to see if the Pestrol works on cockroaches.

Lest there is any lingering hesitation in your minds, dear Cowmrades, that the Pestrol Rodent Free might still have some slim remaining shred of credibility, let me quote from a US Federal Trade Commission finding on similar devices:

Between 1985 and 1997, the FTC brought law enforcement actions against six companies that allegedly made false and unsubstantiated claims about the effectiveness of ultrasonic devices in controlling rodent and insect infestations. Each of those cases was resolved by consent order. In those prior actions, the FTC challenged the following types of claims:

• Eliminates rodent infestations;
• Repels insects;
• Serves as an effective alternative to conventional pest-control products;
• Increases or assists the effectiveness of other pest-control methods;
• Eliminates fleas on dogs or cats; and
• Scientific tests prove product effectiveness.

Prior FTC complaints alleged that any reaction by rodents to ultrasound would be temporary at best because rodents become accustomed to ultrasound and will return to their nesting or feeding areas even in the presence of an ultrasonic device. Furthermore, previous FTC complaints alleged that ultrasound devices do not control insects.

These findings were handed down over a decade ago and yet, performing a Searchâ„¢ for ‘ultrasonic pest repeller’ returns literally hundreds of thousands of hits, the first few umpteen thousand pages apparently for people selling the damned things.

Oh well. I do need some cash. What the hell.