Tetherd Cow Ahead

Dear friends. This morning I’m angry. I’m also sad and a little depressed, but mostly angry.

Yesterday ((World Malaria Day, coincidentally.)), Cow reader Battman, in a comment on the post Shoo Us the Science (Project)!, pointed me to an article on CNBC headlined:

Energetic Solutions Corporation Donates $30,000 of shoo!TAG Product to Family Legacy’s Camp LIFE in Zambia, Africa. Donation will help to prevent mosquito bites among children, staff and volunteers at Camp LIFE.

Yes, you read that correctly. Right now, in the 21st Century, some little kids risk illness and death because badly-educated ignorant people believe that stupid plastic trinkets with magnetic strips are somehow going to help protect them from contracting a life-threatening disease. ((Personally, I don’t give a rat’s ass about the staff and the volunteers at Camp LIFE themselves. Christian proselytizing also ranks high on my list of crimes against humanity. I figure that if God really wants people to be ruining the cultures and communities of poor third world countries, then the least He can do is protect his flag-wavers against mosquitoes.)) It’s bad enough that the peddlers of this ridiculous magical thinking are imposing their hocus-pocus on pets, but when it comes to the lives of kids, they have, in my book, crossed a line into criminality.

Before we go on, though, let’s get some perspective. $30,000 is an impressively generous amount if we’re talking about actual money, but what does Energetic Solutions’ donation mean in real terms? ‘People’ ShooTags are selling for something like $30 or so on Amazon at the moment. That means that $30k buys around a thousand of the things. Doing a quick search tells me that you can get blank swipe cards for about 5c apiece (probably less if you have bulk orders). Let’s be magnanimous and add another 5c per card for printing and packaging. The truth of the matter is, then, that the boastful ‘$30,000 worth of ShooTag product’ has a cost value of something like $100 to Energetic Solutions (in other words, the retail cost of 3 ShooTags). Wow, I bet they feel really good inside about that big sacrifice. ((It’s actually worse than that in fact – the tags being sent to Zambia are part ShooTag’s ‘shoocycle’ program, which entails ‘spent’ cards being ‘refurbished’ and sent off to charity. Thus, these cards probably cost them nothing at all, since they’ve already been paid for by some poor gullible sod.))

From the CNBC report:

“When we saw Family Legacy’s dedication to the children of Zambia, we knew there was an opportunity for shoo!TAG to deliver a unique level of support,” said Carter McCrary, CEO of Energetic Solutions Corporation.

In the light of what we can assume about the true value of the tags, I think we can confidently re-interpret Mr McCrary’s statement to actually mean: “…we saw this as a unique opportunity to once again hoodwink people by deceiving them. By throwing around some big numbers we’ve made ourselves appear like really swell caring-and-sharing folks.”

He goes on:

“Our hope is that shoo!TAG will assist in providing relief from mosquitos and contribute to the prevention of disease among Camp LIFE participants this summer.”

No, Mr McCrary. Your hope is that publicity stunts like this one will help make you rich. Energetic Solutions doesn’t give a flying fuck about the children of Zambia, in the same way that you don’t give a flying fuck about people’s pets.

If you did – if you were really, sincerely concerned – you’d take the time to do some proper science on your product, instead of making unsubstantiated claims supported by nothing but lies and duplicitous sleight-of-hand. Because you seem completely determined not to make proper scientific investigations of your tags, any rational person must conclude that you are afraid of what such investigations would reveal. ((Or, I guess, that you haven’t a clue what a proper scientific investigation is.)) This, in turn, demonstrates your utter indifference to the wellbeing of African children.

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A big thanks to King Willy for the suggestion for this post’s image. Photography by Queen Willy.

Quantum physics is clearly at work in the new Trinfinity8: Energy-On-The-Go iPhone and Android phone app. This unique app streams natural mathematical algorithms to the user via earbuds to help balance energy, feel better, and even boost sexual libido. And all that for only $3.99.

How many of them did you count, Faithful Acowlytes? You know what I mean: woo buzzwords. Let me see, there was ‘quantum’, ‘natural’, ‘balance’ and ‘energy’. No mention of fractals or magnets, but I’m sure that if we visit the Trinfinity8 website we’ll get at least one of those…

This unique software program was developed as a direct result of information brought back from a near death experience by Dr. Kathy Forti. Trinfinity8 is the first system of its kind to use a personal computer to deliver non-invasive rejuvenation programs based on mathematical codes, vibrational energies, and fractal formulations that are in harmony with core energetics that encompass all of nature.

Haha. Well, look at that. Aside from fractals we got a bonus ‘vibrational’, as well as ‘harmony’ and ‘energetics’. It’s a veritable treasure trove of woo buzzword bingo.

I will save you the interminable chore of wading through the addled pseudoscience that makes up Trinfinity8 by telling you that it is software (clearly using quantum physics) that plays musical drones and movies of fractal patterns that pretend to have all kinds of magical powers. How does it work? I’m glad you asked:

Trinfinity8’s unique technology allows for streams of coded data to be transmitted through your computer’s USB port.

As opposed to what’s normally transmitted through your computers USB port which would, of course be… oh, that’s right – streams of coded data!

A digital translator device then sends information to the body via specially designed hand-held quartz crystal transmitter/receiver rods

Bingo! ‘Crystals’! I win.

Trinfinity understands that you may not always have a computer nearby and so have made their software available in a handy iPhone version: Trinfinity8; Energy On-The-Go. What better way to christen my new iPhone 4, dear Cowpokes, than with this app. You know my commitment to exposing all things ridiculous is profound when I am prepared to part with my hard-earned money to bring you personal demonstrations here on The Cow. So I downloaded Trinfinity8; Energy On-The-Go from the Apple Store and set it running:

Here you see me using the Male Libido Boost program. I can assure you I was not at all aroused when I was doing this. Of course, to be fair to the Trinfinity8 instructions I should have had my two thumbs on the screen, rather than a thumb and forefinger. It’s a little difficult to take a photo while doing that, however. Personally, I think that even if I’d had a thumb and my penis on the screen the effect would have been exactly the same. ((And no, I’m not going to take a photo of that, even if I could.)) What basically happens is that a little movie of an animated fractal cycles back and forth and a droning tone plays. The drone is supposedly made up of what the Trinfinity8 website calls ‘Solfeggio sound tones’.

These pure sacred tones have been used since ancient times to awaken a natural expansion of consciousness in order to bring about transformation. In Trinfinity8, the tones act as a carrier wave to further strengthen the transmission of digital data to the cellular system.

Of course they do. Let’s do a Search™ on solfeggio tones. Crikey. It’s a Google Jackpot of WooWoo sites. Looks like Solfeggio tones are the new Schumann Waves. But it’s not just ‘music’ that comes out of your iPhone earpiece, my friends. Oh no! The Trinfinity8 iPhone app mainlines PURE MATH straight into your ears!

The algorithms are delivered through earphones sub-audibly with the music.

Sub-audibly. As in ‘you can’t hear them’. As in ‘if they weren’t there, no-one could tell’. As in ‘total utter fucking bullshit on stilts’.

Oh, really, I can’t go on. The Trinfinity8 website is such an addled and meandering mess of stupid doublespeak and woo weasel language that it’s painful. It’s particularly offensive to me, since, as some of you know, I have a great love for mathematically based image generation (which includes fractal work) and mathematics in nature. Dr Forti, the ‘brains’ behind Trinfinity8 (who you can hear babbling on and on here, if you are so inclined) has had, in effect, a ‘vision’ that told her to bring this half-baked concept to the world. As is the manner of such visions, it makes little sense to anyone who is not taking the same drugs. ((Seriously, I remember having a conversation once with a guy who was off his face on mescaline, who promoted pretty much the same idea as Dr Forti. The main difference is that he finally came down and Dr Forti is still tripping.)) Dr Forti quite predictably claims that her system has efficacy in just about any field where a subjective outcome is available: stress reduction; ‘energy’ restoration; libido improvement; skin & hair rejuvenation; slowing down the ‘signs’ of aging (WTF?); weight loss.

The Trinfinity8 site is, in fact, one of the biggest agglomerations of utter crap that I’ve seen in a very long time. Here are some choice snips from around the Trinfinty8 universe:

Trinfinity8â„¢ Energy On-The-Go uses uniquely designed geometric fractal images to amplify the algorithms. Quantum physicists are discovering that enlightenment is the charge you attract when your thought patterns get fractal.

Is that what quantum physicists are discovering! And here was I thinking that they were after the Higgs boson!

A fractal is a geometric shape that can be split into billions of parts, each of which contains an exact copy of the whole.

No dear. That’s a hologram, not a fractal. Like most everything else in your ‘theory’, you have taken a half understood idea and mushed it into another half understood idea, ending up with a completely useless factoid. If you want a proper definition of a fractal you could try: A curve or geometric figure, each part of which has the same statistical character as the whole. ((Thank you Wikipedia for your staunch support in the face of woo.)) I don’t suppose you even have the remotest clue how that is different from what you wrote.

The Science of Fractal allows phase conjugation and a unified field for waves of people.

Now you don’t even know what that means, do you?

Trinfinity8 incorporates the most sophisticated technology that sends billions of bits of information to the body to help effect positive vibrational and consciousness change that is in alignment with nature.

Wha? Have you been gargling with Special One Drop Liquid, by any chance?

Energy On-The-Go does not contain any subliminal messages or binaural beats. This application contains pure information algorithms.

Well, that’s nice to know. I certainly wouldn’t want subliminal messages working on me, ‘cos that’s, y’know, BALONEY isn’t it! As for binaural beats, well, they’re some kind of hippie bullshit too! Not like the jen-yoo-wine, rooty-tooty, honest-to-goodness fractals and crystals of Trinfinity8! ((What is this tactic? Diss other idiot ideas in promotion of your own unhinged ravings? Do people really fall for that? “Oh, I don’t hold with binaural beats – fractal brain massage is MUCH safer!”))

Digital messages are sent to help dissolve unwanted fat and cellulite.

Yeah, right. I think maybe you should re-tune them to dissolve unwanted court cases, because with claims like that, you are really asking for them.

(The) fractal resonator amplifies the energetic and mathematical codes for the most powerful remedies, rejuvenators, and body elixirs that have been digitally imbedded into Trinfinity8 to maximize the desired treatment effect.

Jesus H. Christ. Is there anything Trinfinity8 doesn’t do? Or, perhaps, a more pertinent question: is there any ridiculous pseudoscientific buzzword that isn’t used on the Trinfinity8 site? Oh. Magnets. I couldn’t find magnets. Maybe they should fix that.

Well, that’s all for now my friends. I see, though, that now I have purchased my Trinfinty8 On-The-Go for my iPhone I am entitled to Customer Support. I think I just might take advantage of that offer. That should be… enlightening…

[Travel into the FUTURE and see how I fared with my customer support!]

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A big thanks to Universal Head for bringing the Trinfinty8 madness to The Cow’s attention.

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Thanks to Cissy Strutt for this great find.

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Photo taken in Downtown LA by the lovely Violet Towne.

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When I was a kid I really wanted to be a Secret Agent. ((It was always spelled with capitals.)) Like, really, really. So much so, that when we had a career counselor come visit us in 5th class, I summoned up my best James Bond suave and went for broke and told her so.

“That’s nice dear,” she said, removing my hand from her knee. “Now, let’s have a look at these pictures of people stapling bank invoices together.”

She was probably right, I guess. In those days a career as a Secret Agent meant a lot of training and hard work (like being a composer or a filmmaker, say), but back then we didn’t have the INTERNET. Now, thanks to the wonders of technology, if one has a computer it is easy to become an instant artistic genius.

OR… a spy!

Yes dear friends, prepare to have all your Secret Agent fantasies fulfilled as I point you to the wonderful treasure trove that is to be found at China Grabber.com. China Grabber is one of those ghastly third-world internet shops intent on offloading all manner of cheap electronic junk on the world in order to quickly deplete the planet of as many resources as possible. It has cell phones and USB sticks and mp3 players and, well, anything and everything that aspires to eventually end up as vast mountains of toxic landfill.

But it also has spy gadgets. Lots and lots and lots of spy gadgets. Oh, I’m not talking about your standard run-of-the-mill pen cameras and wristwatch cameras and cigarette packet cameras – the stock-in-trade of your generic 20thC spook. They do have those, of course. But for those of us on the cutting edge of 21st Century Spydom they have awesome things like…

Tie Cam! ‘The World’s Smallest Wireless Color Pinhole Camera built-in this nice-looking Necktie.’ Yes, you too can record video everywhere you go whilst looking entirely inconspicuous like this young chap (for best incognito results the Super Amusive glasses are de rigueur).

If, like me, you thought that the tie was not so much ‘nice-looking’ as ‘Hi I’m a voyeur!’ ((C’mon. Let’s not pretend that we don’t know what most people buying these things use them for…)) then you might like to consider the less-affected Button Cam.

Dress it up, dress it down, Button Cam goes with any outfit! I would suggest avoiding the lycra, though.

If infiltrating nuclear facilities or other high-risk security zones is more your game, then this is the gadget for you:

Posing as an innocuous identity card, this little beauty will give you a whopping 4 gigabytes of video and audio recording. Now you can post up on YouTube the embarrassing footage of yourself being frogmarched out of the Playboy mansion by Mr Hefner’s henchmen. Oh, teh lulz!

For those of you who are less mobile in your spying, why not try a little Coke & dagger subterfuge?

Pop this little sucker in the fridge and get the goods on your coworkers’ annoying habit of stealing your strawberry yoghurt! Aside from gathering evidence, you’ll find out what really happens to the light when you close the door (also comes in Coke Classic for the less calorie-conscious).

Not what you’re looking for? Something with a little less taste for monsieur? Well, you can go no further than the Tyre Clock Cam:

It’s a clock! It’s a tyre! AND it’s a spy camera! w00t! The best wish for my good friend! ((You filthy rotten thieving bastard!)) Absolutely guaranteed to become completely invisible in the workshop of your shady neighbourhood mechanic (comes with complimentary girlie pinups).

I’ve been saving the best till last of course. Being a Reverend & all, I like to keep tabs on my flock and what better way than the with the sophisticated Cross Cam?

The Spy DVR Camera Cross with necklace design digital video recorder is so convenient to wear and record. This cross spy camcorder looks really fashionable as it dangles from your neck… This discrete spy video camera system can be applied to almost any situation… You are ready to make high quality video files as well as a fashion cross necklace!

Convenient and fashionable! Sweet! I’m not sure about it being applicable to ‘almost any situation’ though – it might not be all that discrete in the local mosque. But hey, totally appropriate for lamington drives, in the ‘hood or at boy scout meetings!

Goodness gracious, Faithful Cowmrades! It looks like just about anything can be a spy camera! Lawks, why even that cup of coffee sitting on your desk… yes, that one to the right there… maybe that is a spy camera! With all these sneaky devices posing as innocent everyday items, how can you be sure that you’re not being spied upon right this very minute!!!((You are looking a little tired today, if I may say.))

Why, with this China Grabber Anti-Spy Cam/Anti-Surveillance Camera Detector, of course!

A highly effective, practical device to detect spies or sleazy co-workers. A simple yet incredibly effective device that might just save your bacon, get one today and eliminate the paranoia that comes from living in today’s constant surveillance society.

A constant surveillance society proudly enabled by China Grabber.

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Thanks to Steve H for pointing me to the totally covet-worthy China Grabber, a place that surely has the dubious distinction of being the internet equivalent of the 2 Dollar Shop

Just because Tim Minchin is fuckin’ awesome. ((As are the folks who made the clip.))