Tetherd Cow Ahead

Well, I don’t know about you guys in the North, but down here in Oz it was way too late to watch the Steorn cavalcade at the scheduled broadcast time, so I missed the actual moment that marked the re-writing of History As We Know It. Damn.

But as soon as I woke up, I tuned into The Guardian this morning to read about the massive shock and disbelief of scientists around the world as they came to the cruel realisation at just how wrong they’d been to dismiss Steorn as a bunch of conniving swindlers. Alas – not so much as a whisper about Steorn’s miraculaous achievement. There were just more boring stories about the iPad. So I jumped across to the Steorn website for the lowdown, and to watch the video of the ground-breaking demonstration to find that… they’re going to post it tomorrow.

Oh heck. I guess that the universe has waited this long for its physical laws to be broken that one more day won’t hurt. While I was at Steorn, I watched some other videos that they have, including a six part demonstration of absolutely fuck all. Mr Slippery himself, Steorn CEO Sean McCarthy, was there with plenty of claims about how great their Orbo motor was, and the wonders it could accomplish:

“The electromagnetic components themselves return more energy and/or heat than is put into them!”

“It can achieve from 150 to 200% efficiency!”

“The faster you go, the more powerful the device is. In theory there is no limit to the energy it can produce.”

And as I watched the long-winded and banal technical demonstration (that was so full of misdirection and waffle that even my untrained engineering mind could spot it) I kept wondering “If the thing does what it says, why don’t they just show it powering a toaster or something?”

Indeed, in the Q&A afterwards a sensible gentleman asked just that. Here is the exchange verbatim (my thoughts highlighted), complete with Sean McCarthy’s squirming ((Some of his oleaginous tone does come through in the text, but to get the full effect you will, unfortunately, have to watch the clip)):

Bearded Gentleman: “So you say the reason that you don’t have a prototype that demonstrates load is that it’s cost prohibitive?”

Sean McCarthy:”No, I didn’t say that.” [Uh oh. Someone with some brains snuck into the demo. How did that happen?]

BG: “Well… why don’t you have one?”

SM (looking as if the guy has just spoken to him in Esperanto): “Sorry?” [Seems like a reasonable question to me you pillock]

BG: “Why don’t you have one then?”

SM: “Oh, wh… um.. wha? You mean showing load? We’re recharging batteries and you will see… we’ll be lighting lights and all that kinda stuff later on… [That’s ALL we want to see, dropkick.] but… you’re misunderstanding what we’re about. [You know, I think the Bearded Guy has a very good idea of what you’re about…] As a busi… we’re not, we’re not going to be next week selling generators down here just to charge your iPhone” [Who asked if you were?]

BG: “I think the problem though is that this isn’t really very convincing”

SM: “To whom?” [Oh, let’s see… to ANYONE you brainless halfwit!]

BG: “To the general public”

SM: “Um… we’re not… we’re interested in the development community. [OK, well show it to THEM then you simpleton]”

BG: “OK, but you’re broadcasting it on the internet”

“Absolutely (smug laugh)… we’re look… as I said… you understand our business model is engaging with the b… we’re not selling anything to Joe Public. Y… I mean, there’s no box of tricks we’re going to sell [Wow, they’re not even selling the box. Just the tricks.], we’re saying, we’re trying to sell this to the product development community and, if they understand the experiments, and they believe them [Yeah, now see, this is the crux of the problem Sean – NO-ONE BELIEVES THEM. Hence the reason we want to see your daft device actually doing what you claim it does!], um, that’s the next step for us to engage with the product development communities. [Waffles with syrup, anyone?]

(I’ll spare you anymore of the blow-by-blow – it’s exceptionally tedious – but if you think I’m exaggerating you can watch it to verify what comes next: Mr McCarthy goes on to say it’s cost prohibitive to build a demonstration Orbo motor, ((Um.. actually, what the FUCK, then, is the thing in the video clip that’s spinning around and around with all the measuring gadgets hooked up to it? My brain is exploding here Steorn! If you can’t build one, then the gadget you’re showing us is what, exactly? Why are we here again?)) comparing it to building just one hard disk drive ((I fail to see how the analogy is even remotely relevant – the reason people will put money into building millions of hard disk drives is because the science behind them works and is completely understood. If you’re claiming you can do miracles, then you have to produce a miracle, or at least very convincingly explain how your miracle works. Not just tell everybody how cool your miracle is.)) “… but even if I had a billion dollars, we still wouldn’t build one…”. Well, no, because even though you are a complete moron, you know it would be completely fucking stupid to waste a billion dollars on building something that doesn’t actually DO anything.)

So, examining the above exchange, we see Sean McCarthy first saying that the reason that Steorn can’t show us a working version of Orbo has nothing to do with it being cost prohibitive. Then he promises that ‘later’ they will be showing it ‘recharging batteries and lighting lights’. In the same sentence he negates himself and says that they won’t be making ‘a generator to charge things’, ((A small point here – the use of this example “We won’t be making a generator to charge your iPhone” – is a favourite trick of practitioners of woo: trivialize a critic’s good question by mocking them with a daft re-phrasing of it. The man simply asked why Steorn didn’t have a demonstration that would do what they claimed – ie, show overunity. This could be as simple as their Orbo motor, under its own power, lighting a simple LED. Since they say they have a working Orbo motor, which can deliver ‘up to 200% efficiency’, then this should be absolutely and utterly straightforward.)) and then, a few sentences later explains this as being ‘because it’s cost prohibitive’. Go back and plug Mr Bearded Guy’s original question in here, and see how long you can go around this loop before you fall off. ((Fractionally longer than the Orbo will remain in rotation without a power supply, is my guess))

Sean McCarthy has not been merely kissing the Blarney Stone, he’s been chewing off dirty big chunks. I’m really looking forward to tomorrow’s video.

Oh joy, oh joy! Oh joyohjoyohjoyohjoyohjoyohjoyohjoy!

Acowlytes! The world is about to change forever! Goodbye Global Warming! Goodbye cumbersome coal mining, solar panels, wind farms and hydro schemes! Yes, my friends, tomorrow (Saturday January 30, 2010) our old friends at Steorn are going to demonstrate once and for all, conclusive and unequivocal PROOF that their overunity ((Overunity means that it puts out more energy than you put in)) energy system actually works!

I hope you will tune in with me at 14:00 GMT to the Steorn website for a jolly old belly laugh this world-shattering event!

(It’s like some kind of Saturday matinee thriller – how will they get out of their dastardly fix this time???)

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*Sort of. Like, if I close my eyes and squint. And the light’s just right. And I have my lucky rabbit’s foot. And the moon is in Aquarius and my chakras are aligned…

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Ave, Faithful Acowlytes! That’s ‘ave’ as in ‘Ave Maria!’ – for this morning I bring you a touching moral tale of wondrous miracles and things that seem so unbelievable that, well, you’ll have trouble believing them!

Our story starts some time ago in the house of George and Lina Tannous, in the little suburb of Guildford in Sydney, Australia. Very sadly for George and Lina, their son Mike was killed in a car accident in September of 2006. It must have been a terrible loss and I sincerely feel for them.

Here’s a picture of George holding a picture of Mike:

And this is where our story turns from one of human compassion, into full blown woo-woo of the highest order. See those trickles on the wall next to George? It’s not the result of bad caulking. Not long after Mike’s death, those oily trails began appearing on the walls of the Tannous’ Guildford home as if by magic. That, my friends, is a miracle in action! Yes, if you believe George and Lina Tannous, it would appear that Almighty God, Creator of the Universe, has chosen to make his presence felt to all of humanity by manifesting as trickles of oil on the wall of a house in a nondescript Sydney suburb!

Mr Tannous told The Daily Telegraph:

“My wife saw something shining on the wall like a diamond over Mike’s bed. Only my wife saw it and there were 15 of us in the room with her. She touched it and all of a sudden oil started appearing on the walls and it hasn’t stopped. This is a big miracle. I can’t explain it.”

The Lord be Praised! And what does the Church have to say about all this?

“I’ve been there many times and we cannot pinpoint exactly what’s happening. It is miraculous.”

…opined Archbishop Paul Saliba, the head of the Australian Antiochian Orthodox Archdiocese.

A local Catholic priest, Fr Michael Melhen, said that while he cannot speak on behalf of the Catholic church, as an individual believer, he is stunned at what he has seen:

“The purpose of the oil, according to the church, is to bless people and that’s a sign, a symbolism of peace.” ((In spite of his disclaimer, he apparently IS speaking on behalf of the Church)).

Meanwhile, University of Western Sydney expert on the psychology of the paranormal and supernatural, Dr Tony Jinks told the Parramatta Sun that:

“There is a deeper story here than whether its true or a hoax. I’ve seen a lot of things to make me very wary of saying that there’s nothing to it.”

Woooo-eeee-ooooo!

What is really depressing with this whole matter is the wide-eyed credulity with which the news media has been reporting it. Aside from one article which included a frumpy throwaway sound bite from a token skeptic, any search I made on ‘Guildford Miracle House’ returned a frothy spew of gullible drivel that would hardly have passed muster in kid’s book of fairy tales. It hasn’t, of course, deterred legions of The Faithful from visiting the house, which is kept open during the day for such pilgrimages.

But pushing on, let us consider all of the above in the light of some recently unfolding news about Mr George Tannous. Last week Mr Tannous was charged with credit card fraud – specifically with falsifying documents to allow people with poor credit histories to obtain credit cards. Police allege that for his efforts, Mr Tannous received remuneration from his clients. Mr Tannous claims that he is not guilty of the charges. He told The Sydney Morning Herald in a statement that:

”There is a big game [being played] by those who are against this miracle and the House of Miracles. The miracle is completely true and it’s clear from the result of the oil which was tested by the scientists from the Government. ((Despite other claims of ‘extensive scientific testing’ of the oil, I could find no evidence of such a thing ever having happened. There are certainly no results published anywhere on the web, which seems curious at the very least for such an earth-shattering event)) If somebody has a problem with my job, let him take me to court. The miracle will continue always and the door is always open.”

Yes, George, of course there is a big game being played to discredit your unlikely miracle. That’s got to be it! It’s not like you’d do anything wrong in the eyes of God, would you? ((Where does anyone get this bereft-of-all-evidence idea that having religion in your life gives you any kind of moral superiority?))

I feel it is important to note that Mr Tannous has not actually been charged with fraud at this time, and, under our justice system, he therefore remains an innocent man until such charges are upheld. But I can’t help wondering what Archbishop Saba, Fr Melhen and Tony Jinks would have to say about the miracle in his house if we were to ask them today…

I suspect there’d be a lot of ‘No comment’ going down.

(Be sure and leave your own view in the TCA Poll!)

I’m sure that you are all aware of the current movie phenomenon of ‘reboots’ – they’re everywhere these days, what with the reinvented Batman, the new Star Trek, the latest Sherlock Holmes and so on. In case this trend has passed you by, basically what happens is that a movie studio takes something that has run out of sequel potential and ‘reboots’ it by making the concept ‘hipper’, by editing it in a snappy fashion, and by casting it with some flavour-of-the-month actors.

When I recently read that they’re rebooting the Spiderman franchise I realised that the time is fast approaching where the reboots are going to come so quick on the heels of the original flick that studios will be in danger of rebooting films that haven’t even been made. This of course means that there is a grave and frightening chance of movies achieving originality – a situation that is plainly not acceptable.

In order that we may head off this alarming possibility, I have decided to launch the concept of the cross-boot. It works like this: you find two previously successful movies and mash them into a hybrid that will in fact appeal to even more people than either of the sources. For instance, Driving Miss Daisy, a film that was a hit with the ma & pa generation could be merged with a science-fiction action piece like, oh, Robocop say, to produce a film that simply can’t fail to bring the whole family together:

One of the problems that studios perennially face is the dreaded ‘couples’ dilemma. When he wants to watch an action movie and she is up for a chick flick, unhappiness inevitably follows for one ((Or both – the loser takes up the right to sulk for the entire duration of the film)) of the parties. But with the cross-boot, no more disputes! If we take the lead character from Alien³ and force her to make a choice about which of her alien spawn she should keep, we obviously get:

In this mutation of two much-loved motion pictures, Ripley’s dilemma is transformed, via thrilling action drama, into a tear-jerker of unparalleled poignancy. Who could possibly be disappointed?!

But the icing on the cake for the cross-boot should surely be smashing a humungous Pixar/Disney animation hit into a killer ((Literally)) vintage horror flick: a cute robot tries to fit in but is mercilessly mocked by his ‘friends’. In a bone-chilling fit of uncontrolled rage he wreaks his bloody vengeance…

The most discerning among you will have figured out by now that, aside from saving the motion picture industry from certain ignominy, all this amounts to the possibility of a Cow Competition… so, get to it! A wondrous TCA coffee mug goes to the winner. Plus, of course the fantabulous glory of saying you were funnier than me.

[The Rules: a pithy and amusing synopsis, plus title, plus cleverly Photoshopped poster mashup. Those of you without mad PShop skillz may enter, but your synopsis will have to be ultra funny to have a chance at the prize]

In the car recently:

Violet Towne (on phone): I can get a Shag for about $250 and a Weiner for $175. What do you think?

Vermilion & Viridian (in the back seat, in unison): BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Good morning Acowlytes. As you no doubt know, 3D movies are all the rage at the moment, but have you ever wondered what the ‘D’ in 3D stands for? I bet you thought it was ‘Dimension’ didn’t you? But I’m here to tell you you are wrong – it stands for ‘Devil’. Yes, that’s right Cowpokes – 3D IS THE WORK OF SATAN!

Well, that’s the idea you get if you listen to the fucking stupid idiot media anyway, who will try and spin a panic story out of just about anything these days. Witness this piece of inane drivel from AFP which has been regurgitated by every undiscerning newspaper from here to Bullamakanka. ((Including the Sydney Morning Herald and the Melbourne Age where I saw it – that’s right, I’m naming names)) The basic gist of it is that a Taiwanese man who went to see Avatar, died during the screening. ((Out of the tens of millions of people who’ve presumably seen it so far, one death seems to me to be on the low side)) The man, who had a known medical history of high blood pressure, was treated by an emergency room doctor who opined “It’s likely that the over-excitement from watching the movie triggered his symptoms.”

Oh whatever. I’m sure it was a tragic event for the guy’s family and all, but it’s hardly news. And the writer of the article knows it, so they tagged it with this frivolous and completely trivial factoid:

Film blogging sites ((‘Blogging Sites’ have become the modern equivalent of the old ‘Our sources’ – in other words, ‘We pulled some garbage that we want you to believe is ‘factual’ out of our asses and we’re giving them a diffuse, unspecified, unreliable provenance’)) have reported complaints of headaches, dizziness, nausea and blurry eyesight from viewers of Avatar and other movies rich in 3D imagery.

What are we supposed to infer from the conflation of these two globs of unrelated news-tainment other than that, if left unchecked, this newfangled 3D phenomenon is going to run amok and kill us all in our sleep with its boggly ‘comin’-at-ya’ tricks? Oooooo-eeeee-ooooo ((That’s a theremin playing…)) …. Maybe 3D is all, you know – dangerous and stuff…! Jesus H. Christ. No wonder the news media is losing credibility. If Mr Rupert Murdoch is hell bent on charging for online news, he’d better go hire some actual journalists to write his stories, otherwise I’m sticking with the mysterious ‘blogging sites’.

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PS – The Tetherd Cow Ahead ‘ShooWooWoo’ button and keyring, both available in the TCA Shoppe, are guaranteed to protect you against trauma or death resulting from the viewing of 3D movies. ((Guarantee does not extend to effects caused by the subject matter of said movies))

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