Tetherd Cow Ahead

On a website for a film called Paranormal Activity, shouldn’t the only choice for trailer size be ‘Medium’?

In this modern age, pretty much everyone is aware of Global Warming and the threat to rising sea levels which it poses. But I stand before you today Brothers and Sisters of the Church of the Tetherd Cow, to remind you of another evil which slowly seeps upon us. Yes, that’s right, I’m talking about the menace of Global WooWoo and its rapidly rising Oceans of Stupidity – great raging seas of Brobdingnagian nonsense that threaten to wash away every last grain of precious logical sand from the few remaining Islands of Rationality.

Take the fad for ‘magical bracelets’, which has been with us for some time, but now seems to be gaining a new lease of life if the prices being charged for these meretricious trinkets is anything to go by.

Exhibit 1: The Ludicrous QLink:

Q-link® works by balancing out the body’s energetic fields. Many liken Q link® to a microchip. Q-link® is programmed to each wearers unique human resonating or energy emitting frequency. Like an acupuncture treatment works to restore the body’s energy flow, so too does Q link® work to help restore energy imbalances in the body.

Yeah, I bet. Sounds like it probably gets rid of fleas too.

QLink first surfaced some years back as a magical pendant, but has now increased in range to magical necklaces, magical watches, magical rings, magical ‘cell phone protection’ chips, magical bracelets (above) and magical USB devices. I kid you not. Go take a look. And the Shoo!Tag™ people better watch out because you can even get a QLink for your pet. Of course, the magical benefits of QLink don’t come cheap – the bracelet pictured above will set you back $199.00. Many liken that to a tidy sum for a bit of cheap metal.

Some famous people who endorse QLink are: Oprah Winfrey, Tony Robbins and Madonna. The Cred-O-Meter is pinning at zero as a result. I bet Tom Cruise has a couple too.

As usual with these kinds of devices, the makers of QLink claim that their product delivers a grab-bag of diffuse and unverifiable subjective benefits for a pantheon of complaints. Woo at its finest. No science, no accountability, no conscience.

According to the website, QLink utilizes ‘Sympathetic Resonance Technology’ (SRT™) that exploits ‘a new class of energies’ including ‘subtle’ energy:

‘Subtle energy refers to a physical energy, such as electromagnetic or acoustic, that is of such low intensity that we have no means of measuring it presently. It is a physical field of very low magnitude.’

So it uses a form of energy that can’t be measured? Interesting. I’ll leave it to you to ponder, then, how anyone can know it actually exists, let alone corral it to do anything.

Exhibit 2: The Preposterous EFX Performance Edge::

EFX is an embedded wearable holographic technology designed to maximize performance and overall well-being by increasing balance, strength, and flexibility. EFX’s technology consists of frequencies that are highly compatible with both humans and animals on a cellular level

Hmmm. Sounds strangely familiar. The Psychic McGuffin in this case, though, is not a magnetic strip but a ‘hologram’ attached to the devices, which is supposed to deliver all kinds of wondrous benefits. The swindlers peddling EFX have also resurrected the hoary old carnival pony of applied kinesiology as a demonstration of the ‘effectiveness’ of their cheap trash. I defy anyone to make sense of the idiotic demonstration video on the EFX website in which an oleaginous fellow pushes down on a girl’s arm while she balances on one leg to prove… what, exactly?

The EFX FAQ is a treasure trove of doublespeak and waffle words. You don’t even need to go past Question #1 to get the idea:

Q. What is the major benefit of EFX?
A. EFX helps restore natural in harmony to the body.

The effect is believed to stabilize and harmonize the body’s bioelectric current. When the body is in harmony, the muscles relax, cells un-clump, and blood circulation increases, allowing for greater stability, easier movement and pain relief.

Natural in harmony? Stabilize and harmonize the body’s bioelectric current? Cells un-clump? WTF? What does any of that stuff actually mean??? They just make it all up!

And further down the list:

Q. Is EFX Safe?
A.”Yes”

EFX does not emit any potentially harmful electromagnetic radiation
EFX is non trans dermal
EFX does not contain any restricted substance
EFX has not been evaluated by the FDA
EFX Safety results are available upon request.

Did you notice how not being evaluated by the FDA becomes an endorsement of safety? Genius!

As with QLink, EFX trinkets come in a variety of forms – wristbands, pendants, necklaces, energetic ‘dots’ (!) and best of all, socks. Yes that’s right – magical holographic pain-relieving socks.

Faithful Acowlytes, I know it defies common sense, and I sense you sitting there shaking your heads and wondering how anyone with the remotest wisps of intelligence can swallow this claptrap. But have no fear! As always, the boffins in the TCA Labs are one step ahead of us all, and in recent years have been beta-testing a device that will allow you to understand the thought processes of the intellect-challenged folks who fork out money for gew-gaws like QLink and EFX.

This morning it is my great pleasure to bring you the exciting news that CowLink™ is out of beta and shipping!

CowLink™ is a harmonic resonant energy focussing technology that uses Shoo!MAN Waves and FeelyGood™ along with time invariance according to Noether’s Theorem to actually reduce your capacity for any kind of critical thought whilst inside its field of influence.

Yes, my friends, with CowLink™ you will never again find yourself frustrated and flabbergasted at the sheer idiocy and slack-jawed gullibility of suckers who fall for implausible pseudoscientific hogwash, because, with CowLink™ you will think just like them! That’s right! CowLink™ is guaranteed to strip up to 100 points off your IQ and empty thousands of dollars from your bank account or your money back![tippy title=”*”]Conditions apply. See reverse.[/tippy]

But don’t just accept our word for it! Here’s what some of our customers had to say:

“CowLink™ worked for me! I bought one for everyone in my company!” ~ Sean McCarthy, Steorn

“I’ve been using the techniques behind CowLink™ for years! My personal astrologer has never been wealthier!” ~ Shirley MacLaine

“Without CowLink™ I would never have found the Fountain of Youth!” ~ David Copperfield

“CowLink™ convinced me to give up all my wacky beliefs and turn to science!” ~ Madonna

“Not only did CowLink™ reduce my capacity for logic to near zero, it eradicated the cockroaches in my kitchen! Send me another one!” ~ Melissa Rogers, inventor of Shoo!TAG™

OK, now someone tell me they’re not persuasive endorsements! The CowLink™ bracelet is hoof-crafted from meteoric brass, set with red eye crystals from one of the Seven Holy Mountains and blessed by George King. At only $249.00 (discounts for bulk), it’s a steal!

Buy yours today!

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*Conditions apply. See reverse.

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This last week it has been my very great privilege to have experienced two extraordinarily moving works of art. The first was Bill Viola‘s heart-wrenching ‘Ocean Without a Shore’, a new permanent acquisition of the National Gallery of Victoria. Sadly, it is a large installation piece which you must visit in person to fully embrace. The next time you come to Melbourne, I’ll take you there.

The second is a little more modest but just as poignant, and was created by some dude who goes by the name of Colorpulse (and Melody Sheep). I am proud to be able to share it with you here on The Cow.

If ever anyone had any doubts that copylefting can create truly moving experiences and must be allowed and encouraged as a valid form of expression, let this wonderful observation serve as an example.

The surface of the Earth
Is the shore of the cosmic ocean
Recently we’ve waded a little way out
And the water seems inviting

Carl Sagan, we miss you.

From today’s Sydney Morning Herald:

Faced with the overwhelming rejection of iSnack 2.0, Kraft has done an about-turn and ditched the name of its new Vegemite cream cheese blend.

I have to defer to Ben (comments on this post) and admit that it does have the whiff of an advertising hoax, despite Kraft’s protestations to the contrary:

The new name has simply not resonated with Australians. Particularly the modern technical aspects associated with it ~ Simon Talbot, company spokesman.

But as I see it, if it is a publicity stunt, then the po-faced attitude from Kraft is baffling. Talbot also stated:

At no point in time has the new Vegemite name been about initiating a media publicity stunt. We are proud custodians of Vegemite, and have always been aware that it is the people’s brand and a national icon.

Ben would undoubtedly say this is some kind of clever misdirection, but in my opinion, that kind of ploy can only work if the intended victims feel like they’ve been outfoxed or are amused. Since neither of these cards seem to be in play, all that’s left is bewilderment. Are they trying to cover their asses because it’s a crap joke that backfired? Are they sincere? Are they afraid that they’ve been caught cynically exploiting a loyal legion of fans? Is it all an attempt to spin out the publicity a little more?

Who knows? In the end, all that Kraft and their advertisers have done is to attract attention to a concoction of dubious desirability, and to confuse everyone. The Product Formerly Known As iSnack 2.0 will ultimately live or die on its market appeal, not on an advertising campaign. Since I believe it’s a poorly conceived grab at expanding market share by trading off the back of a cultural icon, my money is on die.