Tetherd Cow Ahead

An unbiased poll at Tetherd Cow Ahead finds that Stephen Conroy is officially a dunce!

Few things annoy me as much as complete out-and-out pseudoscience, but one of those few things is motivational/aspirational vampires speakers like Anthony Robbins and Deepak Chopra. While I have no doubt that some motivational speakers really believe what they’re saying, and have the best intentions to make people’s lives better, it is certain that many of these lecturn-huggers are nothing more than carnival sideshow spruikers selling a glimpse of a two-headed chicken. ((And in most cases a glimpse of a two-headed chicken would be better value for your dollar.))

Normally, I can’t be bothered with these idiots, but when they spam the Reverend, well then, they’re fair game.

Today I received an email extolling the virtues of some guff called ‘Brain Power – Peak Performance Training’. The person we can expect on stage with the boater and cane is someone called Mark Jansen, whose credentials are so ephemeral that an extensive Search™ turns up little more than a bunch of links back to his Brain Power site. ((Assuming he is not also the lead singer of a heavy metal band.)) The number one endorsement of Mr Jansen on his spam email comes from a personage named Max Kaan, who does have some credentials… as a stage hypnotist. I leave you to reflect on that for a moment.

I don’t aim to reproduce the entire Brain Power spam here – it’s long-winded and tedious – but it does have a few clangers that I know you will appreciate.

The email begins with a bunch of questions, among which are:

Oh no! Not again. The hoary old ‘we only use 10% of our brain’ myth. Man, that thing has been thoroughly debunked for the better part of two decades – if it ever had any credibility in the first place.

Then we have:

Accredited expert Mark Jansen will help you understand and unleash your innate Brain Power. It’s the fascinating bridge between logic and magic…

Uh-oh. The only bridge between logic and magic is of the precarious long wooden suspension kind, with frayed rope at both ends and a lot of slats missing.

With Brain Power Peak Performance Training, you can, so the email promises, enjoy many benefits, including:

8. Access the Infinite Potential that resides inside everyone; and not just the Einstein’s of the World.

Infinite Potential that is not quite infinite enough to cover grammar, punctuation and sentence structure, it would appear.

Elsewhere on the Brain Power site (oh yes, I visited) we find a lot of dreary guff about all manner of things, including numerous references to ’emotional intelligence’, a staple of touchy-feely fringe psychology which basically says that if you’re not actually intelligent then that’s OK, because there’s another kind of intelligent which is probably the kind you’ve got! There’s no way you could really be genuinely stupid right? Especially if you’re thinking of spending your hard-earned Rand ((Mark Jansen and his buddy Max Kaan are both South African. As is the location of the seminar being advertised. And for this they spammed probably millions of email accounts worldwide. Now that’s brain power.)) on a Brain Power seminar.

They also wheel out this piece of insipid idiocy:

While reason will allow you to solve a linear mathematical problem, a creative brain will allow you to find inspiring solutions that are beyond the obvious. Eg:- E = MC2

Oh for fuck’s sake. Like other snake-oil venders with whom we are familiar, the ‘brains’ behind Brain Power are spewing out the only piece of ‘high end’ math they know because they think it will be impressive. Well, impressive it may be to the Zombie Armies of the Emotionally Intelligent but any genuinely intelligent person can simplify out that equation for this special context to mean: ‘I am an ignorant twat! Look – I have a Rolex!’.

The site also has the most boring and least informative FAQ I’ve seen in quite some time, which asks only one relevant question and provides an illuminating answer:

6. Is it worth it?

That will be up to the individual. If the attendee absorbs the material and applies the concepts daily, it can and will have the effect of changing one’s life. In terms of value, twelve years of research on the Human Brain in one day. How does one place a value on knowledge?

Alrighty! There we have it – the old Get Out of Jail Free card. You can fork out for Mr Jansen’s seminar, but if you walk away the idiot you were when you handed over your money, then IT’S YOUR FAULT! Perfect!

It remains for us to ask only this question of our own – if Mark Jansen’s ‘Brain Power’ is so successful at turning people (including himself, if he’s behind his own product) into Einstein’s, ((Einstein’s what????)) what the fuck is he doing spamming me and schlepping around the motivational speaking circuit?

___________________________________________________________________________

About 7 times out of every 10 that I blog about WooWoo beliefs, I get someone taking exception to what I’ve written and alleging that I’m ‘close-minded’ or ‘I should give it a go’ before I cast any criticisms on whatever it is upon which I am casting criticism.

Mostly those comments are placed well after the post is relevant, and just go unread by anyone except me (unless, of course, you’re fond of scrolling back through old Cow comments for entertainment). Occasionally, though, I decide to bring such commentary up front and attempt to throw some illumination on why irrational thinking annoys me so much. Today, I offer you one such example. On the recent post Global WooWoo, Luc writes:

There are many aspects of human life which we don’t understand. Just because we don’t understand how something work doesn’t mean it doesn’t. Skeptics are everywhere. Reading something and actually doing it or in this case try the product are different if not opposite. Just because it doesn’t work on you, name calling those who actually tried the product and them experience something from the product is not some one I would call an expert. You called yourself a Reverend, how do I know that. To me you’re some guy blogging in the internet. I don’t think we should be so quick to judge something or in your case condemn it before trying.

Sigh. Where to start. I think it’s gotta be a line-by-line. Luc. Are you sitting comfortably? Very well, let’s begin.

There are many aspects of human life which we don’t understand.

Yes there are. I have never disagreed with that statement. But if you’re going to try and sneak idiotic thinking under the fence with that, you picked the wrong guy.

Just because we don’t understand how something work doesn’t mean it doesn’t.

Also true. However, if you have a good, rational, grasp of the world, you can infer the probability of something working or not working for a good many practical cases. I will provide an example in a moment.

Skeptics are everywhere.

Yes we are. And our numbers are growing. Be afraid.

Reading something and actually doing it or in this case try the product are different if not opposite.

Even though that sentence is fairly incoherent, I think I get the gist of it. You’re saying that I should try before I sound off, right?

Luc, let’s do a little experiment together, you and I. Do you have a hammer, Luc? Yes? Do you have some ordinary table salt?[tippy title=”*”]This is a typical piece of WooWoo misdirection – an implausible claim is dressed up by some irrelevant distraction thrown in to lead your thinking process astray. Why salt? Same reason as Schumann Waves/holograms/magnets etc[/tippy] Good. Now take that hammer and sit at your dining room table – clear a little space in front of you to make it easier. Now Luc, put a little salt on the table – about a teaspoonful, and spread it out a bit. Now, place your left hand on the table on top of the salt, and take the hammer in your right hand (or vice versa if you’re left-handed). OK, now, put your trust in me and follow my instructions very carefully – raise the hammer as high as you can from your sitting position and with it, hit your left hand as hard as you can. I know it sounds scary, but you have to try it! Seriously! The salt will stop the hammer from doing any damage! Trust me, this really works! It won’t hurt a bit.

Oh Luc… I see you’re not trusting me here! Don’t you believe me? You don’t have any faith, Luc!

Can you see what’s happening here, Luc? You chose not to hit your hand because your rational knowledge of the world gave you enough useful information to make an appraisal of the probable outcome. Your brain balanced up the usefulness of trusting me against the likeliness of the excruciating pain of crushed fingers and you sensibly chose to ignore my instructions.[tippy title=”†”]At least I hope so – if you actually went ahead and did it, then you’re an idiot beyond salvaging and I wish you the best of luck for the rest of what will almost certainly be a short and crappy life.[/tippy]

This is how critical thinking works. You can make intelligent, informed choices about things (and avoid pain or financial embarrassment) without trying them yourself. As I’ve said elsewhere, I don’t need to try and live on nothing but fresh air for three weeks to know that that’s a fairly moronic idea. Do you see what I’m saying here? I don’t have to try idiotic magic bracelets or socks to have an informed opinion on the likelihood of them having any practical effect. And you see how it works, Luc? The more you understand about the world, the better positioned you are to form such opinions.

Just because it doesn’t work on you, name calling those who actually tried the product and them experience something from the product is not some one I would call an expert.

Again, navigating around the baffling sentence structure, I infer you to be attempting to say that if something doesn’t work on me, then I can’t say that it doesn’t work on someone else.

Well, sadly for your argument Luc, I can say exactly that. You see, in a case like this, it’s not me that has to put up the proof. I’m not the one making the far-fetched claims. If someone makes magic socks that are supposed to have magical effects, then the onus is on them to show me persuasive evidence that the magic socks are doing what is claimed. And – listen carefully – this does not mean diffuse, imprecise, anecdotal evidence that could easily be explained in numerous other ways. This means clear, unequivocal, testable substantiation of the claims.

You called yourself a Reverend, how do I know that.

Oh, so now you’re a skeptic! You see how easy that was?!

As for me being a Reverend, well, I was ordained by the Universal Life Church on November 16, 2005, and have the documents to prove it. My credentials are as good as, or even better than, anyone selling QLink or EFX.

I don’t think we should be so quick to judge something or in your case condemn it before trying.

Exactly what makes you think I’m being ‘quick’ to condemn this nonsense, Luc? Quite to the contrary, my condemnation of these idiotic tsotchkes is based on many years of experience of thousandss of similar trinkets all claiming to deliver a cornucopia of incredible results. Do you hear what I’m saying? Whatever gadget happens to be your particular favourite is just as much a piece of junk as a Biorhythm calculator, a razor-blade sharpening pyramid, a carbolic ball, a violet wand, a magnetic fuel saver, an electronic pest repeller, BluWave & RedWave and any of hundreds more implausible devices created by people intent on bilking you of your money.

Luc, I will end this reply by asking you one simple thing: show me your evidence. If it is good, I WILL be convinced. But I will put up with no airy-fairy maybe-it-did-maybe-it-didn’t nonsense. I want results. Clear, unequivocal, unbiased results. Surely that’s only a small thing to ask? If your favourite gadget does something easily defined and obvious, then that should be a pretty easy thing to provide. If, however, the claims of its manufacturers are blurry, vague and equivocal, then maybe you should be asking yourself some serious questions.

___________________________________________________________________________

*This is a typical piece of WooWoo misdirection – an implausible claim is dressed up by some irrelevant distraction thrown in to lead your thinking process astray. Why salt? Same reason as Schumann Waves/holograms/magnets etc

†At least I hope so – if you actually went ahead and did it, then you’re an idiot beyond salvaging and I wish you the best of luck for the rest of what will almost certainly be a short and crappy life.

___________________________________________________________________________

Presented for your scientific improvement. Tetherd Cow Ahead Laboratories also recommends the ‘Look Around You’ series of science programmes.

Discovered by Viridian and Vermilion in the local Blockbuster, to their mirth.

(I wonder if Bale got the part by telling the producers that he was a good Christian?)