Tetherd Cow Ahead

In a product endorsement that must surely attract the status of Super Amusive, this pillow boasts a pedigree that is similar to damning with faint praise.

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Once again thanks go to the ever-intrepid Pil, who should surely start a blog of her own.

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Tetherd Cow Ahead Presents: The Baffling Bible
Episode #4: Jesus and a Blind Man

For today’s consideration:

•Is the man actually afflicted, or is Jesus ‘helping him along’?

•Will the blind man still go ahead and install Jesus’ blinds after he has been poked heartily in the eye?

•What can we infer about the sincerity of the blind man’s friends, seeing as how they’ve let him go wandering off all over the place in a very ‘theatrical’ shade of crimson?

From Agence France-Presse (via The Australian):

A BRITISH man has reportedly survived more than two days trapped under his sofa by sipping from a bottle of whisky.

Joe Galliott fell against the sofa during a power cut at his home in Somerset, southwest England, and could not free himself because of back problems, the BBC reported.

He remained stuck for 60 hours in that position – during which time a bottle of whisky rolled close enough for him to open it – until a neighbour became concerned that Mr Galliott’s curtains had not been drawn for two days.

“The whole settee tipped over catching me like a rat in a trap,” the 65-year-old told the BBC.

“I took a sip of (the whisky) and thought, well this isn’t too bad.”

Mr Galliott, who spent five days in hospital recovering, admitted to becoming concerned after going so long without food or water: “It felt like a lifetime, you think you’re there forever.”

He told the broadcaster that he now kept a bottle of whisky next to the sofa “just in case”.

I don’t know that I can usefully add much to this, other than to say that I heartily endorse Mr Galliott’s advice. It might be also useful to keep bottles of whisky next to the fridge, the bookshelf and in the coal cellar.

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Thanks to Pil for her ever eager Cow Eye!

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LAGOS, Nigeria (AP) – One of Nigeria’s biggest daily newspapers reported that police implicated a goat in an attempted automobile theft. In a front-page article on Friday, the Vanguard newspaper said that two men tried to steal a Mazda car two days earlier in Kwara State, with one suspect transforming himself into a goat as vigilantes cornered him.

The paper quoted police spokesman Tunde Mohammed as saying that while one suspect escaped, the other transformed into a goat as he was about to be apprehended.

Cow Observations:

•It sounds to me like the police should have been doing some breath-testing: themselves and the witnesses.

•This is just one more way that a thief might confound Spiderbot.

•Nigerian newspapers must be a hoot.

OK, now I know it might appear that I’m obsessed with this robot-hate-thing, but can you really blame me when the tinfoil hat guys keep coming up with these completely moronic inventions? Take this latest effort to convince us that robots are a good idea, brought to you courtesy of Tmsuk Co Ltd and security firm Alacom Co Ltd.

Going by the evocative moniker of ‘T-34’, this new mechanical marvel from Tmsuk (I like to think it’s pronounced ‘tum suck’) is a small wheeled vehicle, equipped with a video camera and a deployable net, that can be controlled by a mobile phone. The idea is that you drive the gadget to the scene of a crime, where you fire off its web and ensnare any villainous scum who may be robbing your noodle shop. It’s just like a little mechanical Spiderman. With wheels.

Here’s a video of the gadget in action. I urge you to watch T-34 (who I am hereby re-christening Spiderbot because, well, because anything’s more interesting than ‘T-34’) go through its uncannily dextrous moves as it deftly fires off its web and entangles the perp, who, in an Oscar winning performance, struggles mightily to be rid of Spidey’s treacherous threads.

Oh, the mirth.

Judging by the demonstration in the video clip, it occurs to me that Spiderbot might conceivably work if:

•The targeted criminal is so dazed by Spiderbot’s awesome technical prowess that he/she is unable to move, and stands frozen at a distance convenient enough to become entangled in the flimsy string bag that is limply tossed over their head.

•The miscreant cannot move faster than a three-toed sloth hopped up on valium, and does not have a baseball bat/shotgun/blanket or heavy footwear.

•There are no stairs or doors at the scene of the crime.

•The felon is Trung Le’s Aiko.

Seriously. A radio controlled car equipped with a nerf gun would be more threatening than this preposterous concept. Do they have actual criminals in Japan anymore? I hardly think that this is going to have the Yakuza trembling in their sandals.

#1 Indicator of the Certifiably Insane: Invoke Jesus or Hitler as rolemodel/nemesis.