Tetherd Cow Ahead

The Continuing Misfortunes Trepidations of Simple Graphics Man ~

#30: The Inflight Intercession.

SGM snapped at Melbourne airport. I think he might be regretting having booked his flight with Qantas.

Since I posted about the unique Cheeky Whissstling Gnome a little while back, I know that you’ve all been yearning for more treats from the wondrous Penny Miller Catalogue. Today I present for you the Motion Activated Owl, a fit companion for the Whissstling Gnome if ever I saw one!

Yes, this owl, with its ‘menacing glow in the dark eyes’ is not for the faint-hearted. Featuring a ‘true to life hooting sound’ it joins forces with the Gnome to make sure that your garden is cleansed, not only of unwanted intruders, but of ‘birds and other unwanted animals’ as well. Penny Miller, with her Owl & Gnome Army, is evidently aiming to single-handedly demolish both the pest-control and security industries in one fell swoop!

Of course, with all the whistling & hooting, and the staring eyes, it’s distinctly possible that your garden could start to resemble a buck’s night at the Oxford Tavern so you might want to give your neighbours a heads-up. Especially if you live next door to me – I’ll need to get my air-rifle out of the basement.

Once again, the n00bs in the Australian Government’s technology departments (this time the Australian Communications and Media Authority) demonstrate their complete lack of acumen when it comes to the way the internet functions. This from Ars Technica:

Websites originating in Australia will soon be subject to a rating system that will tell users whether the content is appropriate for children of different ages.

Oh right. And exactly how is that going to work ACMA? What determines a website that ‘originates in Australia’? Tetherd Cow is written by an Australian, in an Australian city, on a computer connected to an Australian ISP. But, like HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of other websites, the physical bits of TCA reside in a storage system in another country.

Please don’t embarrass us in the eyes of the world you stupid oafs. The internet is not, and will never be, confined to geographical borders. Let me ask you a question – if you think this scheme has even the remotest plausibility, why can’t you stop Russian spammers from filling up my Inbox?

Thomas Feiner & Anywhen. Just because I think this is a beautiful song & video:

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/WQa6GSIjht4" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Reuters reports that Catholics on the Adriatic Coast in Italy are attempting to bring religion to beachgoing holidaymakers by using an inflatable church. Sunbathers can queue up to have their confession heard, and enjoy a five person choir singing hymns in the blow-up basilica.

Oh yeah! Now why don’t they bring that to a beach here somewhere? I’ve been itching for a chance to try out my new crossbow.

It hasn’t been all wine & crackers with the air-filled abbey though. The first attempt to launch it in Sardinia last month was aborted due to strong winds. Now really, if ever there was a Sign…

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Thanks to Kirke for this tidbit.

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Excellent! Some sad, unemployed thoughtful soul has hand-delivered me one of those bizarre catalogues of cheap knick-knacks of which I am so fond (long-time Cow Readers may recall past musing on such must-have items as the Leopard Print Toilet Seat and the Portable Plasma™ Globe from the awesome Innovations people). Today, I present for your scrutiny, from the Penny Miller Catalogue, The Cheeky Whistling Gnome.

Most people, when conjuring up a mental picture of Hell, imagine a place of molten lava with sulphurous flames and black oily smoke, populated by demons with pitchforks.* For my own part, I see myself arriving on the doorstep of Hell to be greeted by a Cheeky Whistling Gnome and ushered into a suburban house comprehensively decorated with useless bric-a-brac from Penny Miller. Thence I expect to be introduced to some irksome proponent of Intelligent Design who will regale me for all eternity with a diatribe of smug ‘we-told-you-so’s‘.†

But I digress: now for a mere $19.90, you too can have a door-stop gnome that will almost certainly propel your visiting friends into a state of near psychosis by assailing them with a cheeky/bold/naughty whissstle every time they approach your house. Somehow, this very same whissstle will also magically ‘deter’ intruders. Unwanted intruders, at least. Wanted intruders will be OK.‡

In addition, you may ‘Delightfully surprise your guests while allowing this cheeky gnome to greet them…’ I’ll accept suggestions for what sort of delightful surprise you might spring on visitors while they’re distracted by the warbling garden ornament.

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*Now where, do you suppose, that the idea of little red devils with pitchforks ever came from?

†No, Mr Creationist Visitor – I don’t really expect this to happen. This is a literary invention, offered here for the purposes of humour.

‡It strikes me that this gnome is MUCH scarier than this gnome…

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