Tetherd Cow Ahead

Last night I had a dream that I invented a new form of donut called ‘The Zero’. The donut batter was aerated with helium, which meant that after the donuts were cooked, they weighed exactly nothing.

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This is possibly related to Benedikt Dantzler’s helium aerated flummery. I sincerely hope things don’t turn out for me as unpleasantly as they did for him…

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A guy walks into a pub in a country town, pulls up a stool at the bar and orders a beer.

Older guy sitting at the bar gives him a friendly nod and says “G’day. Haven’t seen you around these parts before…”

First guy says “Nope, just moved here.”

Older guy says “So, what brings you to this part of the world, then?”

First guy says “I’m a farmer. Just bought myself a place west of town.”

Older guy says “Really? Yeah, me too. I got a place on the east side.”

New guy says “‘zat so? Well, what do you farm?”

Older guy says “Bees. I farm bees.”

New guy says “Hey! Man, so do I! I farm bees too!”

Older guy says “Heh. Bit of a coincidence then.”

New guy says “Yeah. So. How many bees have you got?”

Older guy says “Oh, about 500,000. You?

New guy says “Yeah, same, about 500,000.”

Older guy says “In how many hives?”

New guy says “Oh, 10 hives. How about you?”

Older guy says “2 hives.”

New guys says “500,000 bees?”

Older guy says “Yup.”

New guy says “In 2 hives?”

Older guy says “Yup.”

New guy says “2 hives? For 500,000 bees? Aren’t they a bit crowded.”

“Yup,” drawls the older guy, taking a swig of his beer, “but fuck ’em.”

Spam Observations #48

Acowlytes! I think you can understand the great honour I felt this morning when I received a personal correspondence from Kofi Anan at the United Nations:

From: kofianan111@yetanotherspammer.com
Subject: Good News
Date: 12 June 2008 8:04:09 AM

Well, sure, not the Kofi Annan, who spells his surname with an additional ‘n’, but a Kofi from the United Nations nevertheless:

UNITED NATION COMPENSATION UNIT,
IN AFFILIATION WITH ZENITH BANK.
Send a copy of your response to official
Email: zenith_bank3000@burnyourcash.com

OK, OK, so that’s Kofi Anan from the United Nations Compensation Unit, as opposed to Kofi Annan ex Secretary-General of the United Nations…

ATTN: Sir/Madam,
How are you today? Hope all is well with you and family?,You may not understand
why this mail came to you.

Kofi, you know what? I think that I probably have a pretty fair idea why someone from Nigeria pretending to be Kofi Annan of the United Nations is writing to me…

This email is to all the people that have been scammed in any part of the
world, the UNITED NATIONS have agreed to compensate them with the sum of US$
150,000.00

OK, so to clarify, the UNITED NATIONS is offering to compensate ‘all the people that have been scammed in any part of the world’ to the tune of $150,000 each? Even without doing much research I think that’s gonna be a pretty hefty figure. Quite honestly, Kofi old mate, I would have thought that the United Nations had much more important things than that on which to spend its money.

Or maybe what you mean is that the $150k has to get divided among everyone. In which case, I don’t think it’s going to stretch much beyond buying them each a Tic Tac. If that.

(Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars)

Whoa there boy. It’s suddenly $500,000.00 in the space of a line break? That’s better, sure, but I still think you’re underestimating your commitment.

This includes every foriegn contractors that may have not received their contract sum, and people that have had an unfinished transaction or international businesses that failed due to Government problems etc.

Yeah. ‘All the people that have been scammed in any part of the world’ pretty much covers the bases. Prolly didn’t need to single anything out in particular.

We found your name in our list and that is why we are contacting you, this have
been agreed upon and have been signed.

Hang on there sport. What’s been agreed upon and signed? with whom? What list? A hit list? Honestly, it’s all just been in good fun here on The Cow! Isn’t that right Cowpokes? (Everybody nod!)

You are advised to contact Mr. Jim Ovia of ZENITH BANK NIGERIA PLC, as he is
our representative in Nigeria, contact him immediately for your Cheque/
International Bank Draft of USD$ 150,000.00

Dang. Back down to $150k again.

(One Hundred fivty Thousand United States Dollars)

Yep. Definitely 150 now.

This funds are in a Bank Draft for security purpose ok? so he will send it to you and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. (Oh it’s all so dreary after attempt number two million..)

Why do these people persist? How can it be that there is anyone left on the planet that still falls for these things? Now, in what must be surely a parody of the new trend in Hollywood to make remakes of remakes*, we’re getting scams about scams!

Seriously, think about it: just saying you bought one of these Nigerian scams in the first place, and lost all your money, how STUPID would you need to be to fall for THIS ONE? Kofi Anan must have set his sights on the most moronic of the dimwitted. Surely he’s narrowed his potential victim base beyond all reasonable hope of success. Are there actually people in the world with control of any proper money who are that cretinous? Really? Name one!‡ Oh. Right.

Making the world a better place
Regards,
Mr. Kofi Anan

Kofi, I sincerely doubt that.

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*What is with that? Re-remakes of Batman? Re-remakes of The Incredible Hulk? You know, someday someone’s going to re-remake Flash Gordon and ruin it! (That’s a joke of a form that maybe only Cissy Strutt will understand)

‡I read somewhere the other day, that for the amount of money that George Bush has cost the USA with the invasion of The Iraq, a 500 person colony could have been established on Mars.

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Whilst browsing the Rogues Gallery recently, I learned of a newly available product that I know is going to greatly interest all Cow readers: Roland-Deese Productions’ Ghost In A Bottle.

Yes, Cowpokes, for forking out a mere $US20.00 you too can have a bottle containing a ‘ghost’ ‘captured from a reported haunted establishment, (house, hotel, ship, cemetery, etc), by our Ghost Hunters’.

“But Reverend,” I hear you cry, “There are so many crooks, thieves and swindlers out in the wide world! How can I be sure that I’m getting a real ghost in my bottle?! What’s to stop Roland-Deese Productions from selling me some cheap empty bottle and merely saying there’s a ghost in it?”

Well, Cowmrades, you can be sure you’re getting the Real Deal because along with your bottle-imprisoned-ghost you get a ‘Ghost Certificate’ which is signed by the Ghost Hunter that has ‘captured’ the ghost! In addition, the bottle (‘Sealed for Your Protection*: WE CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY MISFORTUNE TO BEFALL YOU SHOULD YOU TAKE POSSESSION OF THIS OBJECT’) comes with a List of Dire Warnings of Hideous Things that Might Happen if you open your bottle, like, oh, ‘your car keys might go missing…’ or ‘you might smell an unfamiliar cologne or perfume…’. Roland-Deese Productions would surely not just make things like that up!

Indeed, as Murray, of Apple Valley, California says in the testimonials:

Just like your instructions advised, I beleive I have seen all signs of my ghost. I’m thinking of moving out of my apartment, it’s now haunted. The Ghost Bottle is a very entertaining novelty!

It would appear that Murray’s ghost isn’t so much haunting him out of his apartment, as entertaining him out! One can only speculate as to whose spirit he got.

Not only might something from the long list of Warnings happen to you, should you open your Ghost Bottle, but Roland-Deese further advises that ‘You may experience other Ghostly situations not stated above.’ I guess that would cover:

• Hideous face deformation and body contortions
• Having your soul sucked out through your mouth
• Attacks by swarms of flies
• The desire to throw yourself out a thirteenth floor window
• Getting sucked into the TV

…and all the other things that ghosts really† do that the purveyors of the Ghost Bottles are not keen to detail in their list, for some reason. Of course, Roland-Deese Productions Ghost Hunters are professionals and therefore in no danger themselves when they bottle their wraiths:

There is a special technology that takes place when our Ghost Hunting professionals capture the Ghosts.

That special technology is of course called Bullshit™ and is used extensively throughout the world of ‘psychic’ commerce.

All that being said, faithful Acowlytes, it will probably come as no surprise to you that agents‡ for TCA Enterprises, ever on the lookout for a new marketing opportunity, have come up with an even better idea than a Ghost in Bottle: a Ghost SHIP in a Bottle!

(Sorry folks. No matter how hard I try, I simply can’t present you with artwork as terrible as the Ghost in a Bottle site)

Yes, that’s right! Selected readers of Tetherd Cow Ahead are eligible†† for their very own highly collectible Fantom Frigate in a Flagon! Using genuine naval ectoplasm,‡‡ TCA artisans have lovingly crafted exact replicas of your favourite mystery ships, including the Andrea Doria, the Octavius, the Flying Dutchman and the Mary Celeste, had them cursed by Certified African Witchdoctors** and then stuck in a jar. Of course, that’s exactly where you should leave them, because, should you open your Fantom Frigate Flagon, you may experience:

• Flooded drains
• Shortages of rum in the liquor cabinet
• ‘Mysterious’ parrot droppings around the house
• Unexplained attacks of scurvy
• Voices singing sea-shanties in another room
• Huge splintered wooden holes in your walls
• ‘Salty’ tasting coffee
• Other things not stated above that might be associated with ghost ships, or the sea, or pirates, or water, or films about ghost ships, or salt beef, or smuggling, or gold doubloons, or films about water, or wooden legs, or Moby Dick, or the moon on a cloudy night. Etc.

And remember, when you get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and a water-logged, rag-draped skeleton leaps out of your bathtub and lunges at you with a rusty sabre – make sure you have a good ol’ chuckle. After all, it’s just entertainment…

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*The bottle is sealed with wax, for Pete’s sake. What kind of third-rate spook is going to let a little glob of red wax get in the way of eating your brains?

†They don’t really do those things. Ghosts don’t exist. In case you were, like, taking me seriously or anything.

‡I shamelessly stole this idea from Jim Shaver over at Rogues Gallery, Thanks Jim!

††Bribes Conditions apply.

‡‡Spiritualism joke.

**From Nigeria. It wasn’t at all difficult to find experts there in the ‘special technology’ that Roland-Deese uses.

★A special thanks to Ralph Elzholz at Virtual Room for the Schooner model.

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I subscribe to one of those ‘wine clubs’ where every three months they deliver you a box of a dozen assorted bottles of wine: six red, six white. The club is good and it features wines from the various vineyard areas of Australia like Margaret River, Yarra Valley, Mudgee and so forth. The boxes arrive with tasting notes and other information about the wines. I like the idea – it gets me tasting wines that I might not otherwise buy in a shop and I’ve found a number of really good vineyards this way.

The boxes are delivered via courier, but since I’ve been in my new abode, not one has ever actually managed to arrive on my doorstep. Instead, each time a delivery is due I’ve been left one of those notes from the courier company saying that there was a problem with delivery and I would need to pick up the shipment personally from their depot.

On the courier’s note, under ‘Reason Unable to Deliver’ has always been scrawled the same explanation:

For Pete’s sake! This courier must be the only person on the planet to fall for the old beware-of-the-dog-sign ploy. Unbelievable. Burglars from here to Timbuktu superstitiously avoid houses that don’t have that sign.

Anyway, this morning I happen to glance out the living room window across the front garden and see the following two things happen:

1. A hand poke through the gate and experimentally wobble the latch, then withdraw.

2. Nothing else.

Puzzled, I open the front door and go out into the yard (our tall fence obscures the street so I can’t see anything outside). All is silent.

“Hello?” I call, craning my head over the fence. Well, you all know what I’m seeing: a courier van and a guy with a box of wine. He’s loading it back into the truck.

“Is that for me?” I ask, rhetorically.

He gives a little start. It turns out, apparently to his surprise, that it is! He stands there with the box, looking a little embarrassed. He glances at the sign on the gate and then back at me. There’s a slightly-too-long pause.

“You don’t have a dog, do you?”

“No,” I say.

“It’s just that I saw the sign and I thought…”

“Oh, that!” I laugh. “Well, that’s only there because they didn’t have a sign that says “Beware Of The Cat”!

“Hahahaha!” he says. “Hahaha! Right-o, so I’ll be perfectly safe to bring the deliveries in then!”

“Of course,” I say. “Perfectly safe”.