Tetherd Cow Ahead

Ah my faithful Acowlytes! With a minimum of fanfare Tetherd Cow Ahead has turned Three! It seems like only yesterday that a solitary cow let slip its restraints and ambled off into a haze of soporific poppy fumes and an uncertain future. The truth is that it has been a staggering 1095 days and in that time The Cow has wandered far and wide and seen sights and dreamed dreams that cows only dream of. When they’re on drugs. Or something.

As long-time Cowmrades know, my initial reason for setting TCA in motion was as a kind of occupational therapy after the death of my beloved Kate. At that time I really had no idea where I would go with the blog, what it would mean to me, and, indeed, whether there was any real point to it at all.

Over the years, though, Tetherd Cow Ahead has become something much more than I ever expected. I have made many new friends with whom I’ve laughed, philosophized and bantered. I’ve been encouraged, by the continuing labour of keeping The Cow interesting, to pay much greater attention to my world, viewing it, as it were, through the eyes of my readers as well as myself. This strange dissociation has given me an appreciation of my life that I don’t think I would ever have managed otherwise.

There’s been a lot of speculation in recent times about the utility of blogging. Some strident critics like the irksome Andrew Keen obtusely, or perhaps even wilfully, fail to understand even remotely the value of blogs*, advocating that the power of writing should be taken out of the hands of ‘the amateur’ and put back where it belongs (into the hands of those ‘who know what they’re doing’. Like, oh, CNN, and James Redfield, and The Pope and Shirley MacLaine and pretty much anyone of any public profile as long as they achieved their status through means other than the egalitarianism of the web).

People like Keen view the world in a very stilted and old-fashioned way. Andrew Keen would have taken Samuel Pepys’ quill away from him. He would have had Anne Frank go sit in the corner and knit. He’d have told Andy Warhol to get a proper job.

Now I’m not attempting to hold The Cow up to any of those extraordinary chroniclers of human experience, but in my opinion it is inevitable that sooner or later some great works will come out of the blogosphere. If nothing else, everyone who is currently blogging is helping to create an amazingly detailed picture of what it is like to live in the beginning of the 21st century at the explosive dawn of the Age of Information. And this picture is not being painted just by those who are somehow ‘sanctioned’ to do so.

For my own part, a nostalgic trawl back through The Cow lets me see an intriguing picture of my life over the last three years. It’s a quirky, funny, thoughtful and sometimes sad journey, but all in all (from my assessment anyway) it is a pretty good sketch of who I am and what I make of the world. I’ve never been much of a diarist so I’ve never had any real opportunity to look into my past at the changing person I surely am so it’s something of an engaging novelty to go revisit my life through the eyes of The Cow. I’m glad I started it. And I’m glad to have met you all, dear Cowpokes, and I thank you for your fine company.

No quiz this year – you’ve had altogether too many competitions lately I notice. But if you feel in the mood, have a few plugs away on the Mad Cow Ride in the sidebar. You’re sure to find something you’ve never seen before, or something you’ve completely forgotten.

I know I did.

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*While hypocritically maintaining one of his own. It’s evidently OK for him to have one, because, unlike the rest of us, he’s got something to say…

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I guess you all undoubtedly know by now that on January 29th we are not going to be wiped out by Asteroid 2007 TU24. Well, so NASA tells us anyway. As cosmic events go, though, it is a very near thing, with the asteroid skimming the Earth by a mere 1.4 Lunar Distances whisker.

So just how safe should we really feel? The Near Earth Object Program has posted a mugshot of the perp as evidence that they are in full control of the situation:

Oh yeah. That’s convincing. Hands up who would have picked that out in a line-up as an asteroid? Do you all feel re-assured that it’s all scientific-like and these guys really know what they’re doing? With that kind of ‘proof’ you could claim anything:

And what if they did their calculations wrong? Like, for instance using imperial measurements instead of metric?

Nah. It’s NASA! These are egg-brain geniuses! They wouldn’t make a mistake as dumb as that.

Would they?

My dear Acowlytes! I apologize for my somewhat lengthy absence of late. My excuse, I think, is a pretty good one – Violet Towne and I were married in a simple and, I like to think, moving ceremony a few weekends back. There was much carousing with friends and family and I believe that a good time was had by all (certainly from my perspective anyway). Since then there has been a bit of holidaying and not a lot of sitting at computers, and hence an almost complete lack of Cow.

Not that The Cow was ever far from my thoughts as we trekked around the southern coast of Victoria on our honeymoon. Simple Graphics Man was up to his old tricks at many of our stops, and there were some great photo opportunities which I’ll share with you in due course.

And there was Scientology. Yes, no matter where you go, the lunatics will find some way to reach into your life. I’ve been meaning to do a Scientology piece for a little while now, and whilst this will not be it, I must share with you my thoughts on the recent Tom Cruise embarrassment that managed to filter into my attention as I was waiting in the queue in a great little fish & chip shop in the coastal town of Apollo Bay.

If you didn’t manage to catch it, seriously, go take a look. The Tomster could have done no worse if he’d put on a clown suit and declared himself the reincarnation of Bozo.

It wasn’t till I arrived home and scrutinized the video on YouTube that I realised how much in the error of my ways I was. I think that I have been mistaken all this time… Tom Cruise, and Scientology itself, are actually in the service of The Cow! Scoff not, faithful Cowpokes! I didn’t spot it immediately either…

OMG!!! I immediately searched for other clues that Tom and his Thetan-zapping buddies might be doing the Work of the Church of the Tetherd Cow. Well, for a start, there is the excellent science-fiction art-direction…

…persuasive evidence in itself. But if there was truly any Cow agenda operating well it might manifest itself in, oh, a wedding ceremony, say. Is there, maybe, a Scientology Wedding ceremony?

Aha! There is! Scrolling down through the incomprehensible juvenile drivel lengthy ritual that Katie and Tom presumably endured when they got hitched, we uncover the following poignant observation:

Now, (groom’s name),
girls need clothes
And food and
Tender happiness and frills
A pan, a comb,
perhaps a cat
All caprice if you will
But still
They need them.
Do you then
Provide?
Do you?†

“Perhaps a cat”!!!!!???? Scientology requires the Groom to provide a cat? Whoa! Need I draw anyone a picture?! Violet Towne is such a lucky girl.

Tom Cruise, for actions undercover in the service of The Cow, we salute you!

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*“These are the times, now people. These are the times we will all remember.” You betcha Tom. We’ll all remember.

†I kid you not. This is really in the Scientology Wedding Ceremony.

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Off to get married. See you when I get back.