Tetherd Cow Ahead

Spam Observations #43

My newest friend Mr Xiong wrote to me today asking:

From: aktgk@mindlessspam.com
Subject: Want to shave a few pounds?

I’m unable to tell whether this is weight loss spam or porn spam. Mr Xiong please take your disturbing offers elsewhere.

Lolcats be afraid.

In breaking news, the Australian Defence Force yesterday revealed that Australian Navy personnel were compelled to confront and repel members of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard in an altercation in the Persian Gulf in 2004.

The incident took place as the Aussies were investigating a grounded cargo vessel. Commodore Steve Gilbert revealed that the trouble began when the Iranians made some ‘very overt gestures’ and attempted to capture the Australian sailors.

Things could have turned very ugly, but then, according to the BBC, the armed Iranians smartly withdrew after the Australians demonstrated their military superiority by brandishing their machine guns and using some ‘highly colourful language’.

Thus, the shroud of secrecy surrounding the Australian Armed Forces’ most devastating new weapon is whisked aside for the world to see.

North Korea might be developing the Bomb; Iran may have chemical weapons; any number of contenders might be tooling up containers of anthrax and smallpox, but hear this n00bs: you are NO match for us Aussies when it comes to calling a spade a fucking shovel.

Well ladies, I know that ever since jedimacfan mentioned it the other day, you’ve been wondering how Cowlexâ„¢ has been progressing with their new model, the Tesla.

I’m pleased to say that all is going well, and it’s due out in the shops any day now. Cowlex is very excited about their new product. Here, let me quote from their press release:

It’s Electrifying!

Cowlexâ„¢ Industries is proud to announce their new Pleasure Product The Tesla. This elegant adult toy is lovingly crafted from the very highest quality titanium and molybdenum alloy and is guaranteed to put the sparks back into any relationship.

Turn your static love-life into a static love-life with The Tesla, and feel that old electricity again!

Not recommended for use in the bath. Batteries not included. May interfere with communications and avionic devices.

What our preview audience is saying:

☆“Ohm my God!!!” ~ Sister Veronica

☆“This has a lot of potential!” ~ Electrician’s Weekly

☆“I like it!” ~ The False Maria

☆“The best current sex toy!” ~ Fleshbutt

☆“Ow. Do it again!” ~ BDSM Review

☆“Forget the coil, get The Tesla!” ~ Wanda from Nantucket

So anyway. The Vatican has evidently decided that, in keeping with their habit of meddling in matters in which they have no expertise (nor even barely adequate knowledge for that matter), they need to hand down some rules, Commandments, even, for the drivers of motor vehicles. Yes, you heard right, The Holy Office has decided that what the world really really needs is a Catholic Church endorsed Ten Commandments of Motoring.

What? I say, what?

How do they get an imprimatur to do this kind of thing? Where the hell is anything about motoring mentioned in the Bible? (OK, OK, not counting that bit about Moses charging across the desert in his Triumph)

To demonstrate the clarity of mind with which The Holy See tackles this matter, I ask you to scrutinize the above image taken from their 36-page document Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road. In case you can’t quite make it out, this a picture of a chap wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Being Drunk is Fun’ whilst directing traffic. The traffic consists of rabbits in open-top cars. The man holding the sign has some kind of radiation emerging from behind him. Note the black arrow that points upwards near his Stop sign.

OK. Without reading further, anyone have even a remote idea what this is supposed to convey?

Let me enlighten you: this is Commandment of the Road #9 – On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

Do I need to offer a more persuasive example of why religion in general, and The Pope in particular, should not be allowed even close to matters of the Actual Real World. To further emphasize the tenuous grip on reality that the Catholic Church is demonstrating with their release of the Asphalt Tablets, I note that they also suggest that ‘praying while driving’ is to be encouraged. I’d like to suggest that concentrating while driving would be far more useful, having experienced my fair share of drivers who have evidently substituted prayer for road knowledge.

Well, if the Vatican can get in on the act, I see no reason at all why I shouldn’t have a say. I submit for your delectation:

The Church of the Holy Cow Ten Commandments of Motoring.

#1: Thou shalt not drive big gas-guzzling SUVs nor Hummers nor those stupid trucks with unnaturally big wheels.

#2: Thou shalt not sit in thy motionless car for hours with thine engine running for absolutely no reason.

#3: Thou shalt not install in thy vehicle a music system that has more power than thine engine.

#4: Thou shalt not display ‘wobbly head’ dogs on thy dashboard.

#5: Thou shalt not display ‘clever’ number plates like CUL8R or S810*

#6: Thou shalt not have a horn that plays ‘krazy’ tunes like Yankee Doodle Dandy.

#7: Thou shalt not drive around gratuitously burning fossil fuel in a convoy of stupid little vehicles towing advertising signs.

#8: Thou shalt not be a seller nor a buyer of a vehicle with a stupid brand name.

#9: Thou shalt not make “motoring-related” music video clips such as this.

#10: That last one contains enough sin for two Commandments.

Here endeth today’s Lesson.

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*I feel very pleased with myself that I just made that up!

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