Tetherd Cow Ahead

Every now and then on The Cow, we are pleased to introduce you to new technical wonders that will revolutionize some aspect of your undoubtedly humdrum and dreary lives.

Now, following in the footsteps of marvels such as the Cowlexâ„¢ Vibrator, The Unusual Thing, The Non-Electric Machine, X-Fi, The Vegetarian Chicken Modeling Machine and The Cellular Squirrel, The Tetherd Cow Ahead Bureau of Innovation is pleased to present: PWB Special One Drop Liquid.

Here, let the inventors of this astonishing product tell you about it in their own words (directly from the press release, no editing, in the order it is printed):

Special One Drop Liquid possesses a most extraordinary property. The human senses, in common with the requirements of all living material including trees and all other green plants, have evolved the requirements for forward facing light energy.

Got that? Forward facing light energy. Well I’ll be damned. I’ve evolved it, and I don’t even know what it means.

Light, in common with most energies within Nature, readily forms an inverse pattern of itself when encountering an obstacle.

Like this: LIGHT -> OBSTACLE -> THGIL

Couldn’t be plainer. Go on…

Light is particularly modified when encountering a transparent obstacle. The human senses will not function correctly when confronted with an energy pattern which faces away from the senses.

I find that myself, certainly. It explains exactly why they put those little coloured stickers on fresh fruit and, at last, why the swallows always return to Capistrano.

The daily dietary requirement of salt and sugar is the chemical requirement that the body requires to manipulate the energy patterns absorbed by our bodies. To demonstrate the inverse pattern formation on objects which fill the modern environment, simply place salt on one face and sugar on another face of the object. Stimulate your sense of hearing by listening to music, then remove the salt and sugar. The effect on the senses is usually quite profound.

The effect of trying to comprehend the preceding paragraph is profound every time I read it. I get little pinging noises in my brain. It’s like being confronted with an energy pattern that faces away from the senses.

The effect is particularly noticeable if the faces of a NON playing Compact Disc or vinyl record is manipulated by placing salt (in a small bag) on one face and sugar (in a small bag) on the other face.

Ping. Pingpingpingpingping. Ping.

All green plant material has it’s own variation of salt and sugar in order for it to correctly manipulate sunlight. If a small bag containing sugar is attached to the upper surface of a leaf within your listening territory, including the garden, a noticeable beneficial effect will take place with your sense of hearing. A small bag containing salt can be attached to the underside of the leaf with the same beneficial effect.

Little bags of sugar? Leaves? Hearing? Wha? Wha? Ping. So the trees can hear better? Ping. Listening territory? Little bags of salt attached to leaves? Ping. Pingpingping.

Special One Drop Liquid can replace, with an increased effect, salt and sugar applied to the faces of an object, including to the faces of green plant life. The Special One Drop Liquid admits only forward facing light energy.

Righty-ho! The Special One Drop Liquid is for replacing little bags of salt and sugar that I have tied to the top and bottoms of leaves in my listening territory! Now we’re getting somewhere. P-i-i-n-n-n-g.

All Compact Discs should have a drop of the Special One Drop Liquid applied to both sides and spread across the surface using a finger tip.

Obviously! Wow, that’s totally brilliant! No longer will I have to put up with the mess from all that salt and sugar and dead leaf material that bursts out of the little bags tied to my CDs that clog up my CD player every time I try and play something. It’s a MIRACLE!

The surface can be dried with a cloth or a paper tissue. Vinyl records should have a drop of the Liquid applied to the particular area on the record which has the run off groove on both sides of the disc. The outside faces of the disc sleeve or disc housing should also be treated.

Well duh. Anyone with half a brain can see that if you’re going to treat the run off groove on a vinyl record, you need to treat the sleeve as well. Think of the savings on sugar and salt for a start!

To ascertain the effect of the One Drop Liquid on any object, it is only necessary to initially stand the small bottle containing the Liquid on the face of the object.

P-I-N-G!

ALL transparent material within a listening room, including glass windows, clock faces, wrist watch faces, TV screens, the lenses of eye glasses etc. and display windows on equipment should all be treated. It is only necessary to apply one drop of the Liquid to the corner of a glass window for the beneficial effect to be heard.

Anyone still with me? Guys? Gals?

The One Drop Liquid is particularly effective if applied to the rear of a photograph and to the glass face of a photographic frame. Artificial light, in the form of electrical light bulbs, has a particularly detrimental effect upon the sense of hearing and the glass of an electric light bulb should be treated.

Oh heck. Just smear the damn stuff on everything! In no time your hearing acuity will approach that of bats. I don’t know why the guys at PWB are selling this in those teeny little bottles. At the rate of application that they’re suggesting you’d go through a gallon just in your lounge room.

And if you’re skeptical at forking out for Special One Drop Liquid, have no fear! On the PWB Electronics site I found a whole swag of other tips for improving the sound quality of your music too (it isn’t clear whether these necessarily apply only to CDs either – as far as I can tell, any/all of these methods are effective in improving music just generally. Amazing!). For superior musical reproduction, merely:

•Place a piece of paper under one of the feet of any piece of furniture in the room!

•Pin back any one corner of a curtain in the room!

•Place a blue piece of paper under a vase of flowers in the room!

•Tie a reef knot in the power cables of your equipment!

•Freeze your CD in the freezer!

•Align all the screw heads in the room to be parallel to the Earth’s surface!

You think I’m making all this up, don’t you?

Ping.

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Thanks (I think) to Stewart via Kirke for bringing this to the attention of The Cow.

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The American rapper Snoop Dog has been banned from entering Australia where he was due to host the Australian MTV Awards this weekend because he was deemed by the Australian Department of Immigration as being of ‘unfit character’.

“He doesn’t seem the sort of bloke we want in this country,” said Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews.

Oh no sirreee! We only admit persons of much higher moral fibre. Like, oh, er… this guy!

So Catalyst has tagged me with a Birthday Meme. He should really have known better.

Here are a few random examples of the kinds of things that have taken place on the date of my birthday, September 27:

•1590 – Pope Urban VII dies 13 days after being chosen as the Pope, making his reign the shortest papacy in history.

13 days! Talk about unlucky. That’s what happens if your workplace performance is poor and you have The Almighty as a boss.

•1822 – Jean-François Champollion announces that he has deciphered the Rosetta stone.

What he actually said was “These Egyptian scribblings are all Greek to me!” In a surprising stroke of good fortune everyone misunderstood what he meant.

•1886 – Mormon prophet John Taylor receives a controversial revelation on plural marriage that now divides factions of Mormonism.

Which illustrates just one of the many problems you might have if you run an institution under the auspices of Divine Revelation rather than commonsense.

•1928 – The Republic of China is recognized by the United States

Hey! Howdy! Nice to see you again. Now where was it..? oh I remember! That party thrown by Russia last month! You’re lookin’ pretty good!

•1968 – The stage musical Hair opened at the Shaftesbury Theatre in London, where it played 1,998 performances until its closure was forced by the roof’s collapsing in July 1973.

Which may mark one of the few times in theatrical history when a show was cancelled because it brought the house down.

•1979 – The United States Department of Education receives final approval from the U.S. Congress to become the 13th US Cabinet agency.

My God! They have education in America?

Overall, September 27 is not a very auspicious date, if Wikipedia is anything to go by. My tip is: don’t travel on this day, especially in a boat. Even if it does happen to be World Tourism Day.

I share this birthday with the following personages: Gwyneth Paltrow, Meat Loaf, The Baron Lothar von Richtofen (The Red Baron), Alvin Stardust and Avril Lavigne. Lawks. Aside from The Baron, they’re a dreary lot.

People who chose to pop their clogs on this day include: The aforementioned Pope Urban VII, Edgar Degas, Clara Bow and Donald O’Connor.

This coming September 27 will mark my half-century. I’m having a BIG party. You’re all invited.

The Continuing Misfortunes of Simple Graphics Man ~

#21: The Sinister Sneeze.

I’m unable to tell whether SGM is meant to be sneezing or vomiting. In either case, he’s certainly not real well.

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Thanks go to Nurse Myra for this one!

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Spam Observations #40

Today my new best friend Felicity Coss wrote to me to say:

I just bought Windows Vista for the cheapest price,
you take alook too they have some other softwares too for the price of nuts

Felicity, you haven’t been paying attention, have you? If you had, you’ll know how it’s going to turn out if The Reverend has a choice between spending his hard-earned cash on either:

A: Any Microsoft product, or…
B: Nuts

Beer and nibblies anyone?

The above from Modern Mechanix. It’s some kind of gauge for ‘measuring’ how ‘beautiful’ someone is (click on the image for a larger version).

Weird as it may be, it’s outweirded by the appearance of the identical twin lab assistants taking a strangely intense interest in the proceedings.