Tetherd Cow Ahead

Spam Observations #37

Regular Cow readers will have noticed me waffling on about Akismet and except for those of you running blogs on WordPress it’s probably all Greek to you. So the Two Second Explanation is that Akismet is a WordPress plugin that hinders the hoardes of motherfucking scumbags naughty spammers who think it’s a great idea to fill up the lofty discussions on Cow comments with puerile cheapo advertising crap. My Akismet page is usually stuffed wall-to-wall with attempt after attempt of the most ineffective and irritating ‘pseudo’ posts that defy any kind of intelligence which can be scanned in seconds to be consigned to spam oblivion.*

This last week though, I’m detecting a disaffection in SpamLand. A wave of ennui, perhaps even melancholy. Here, let me show you:

And then:

It was bound to happen eventually. A few of these poor bastards have just had to face up to the trivial meaningless of their spamming existence. I give Agata and Onufry two weeks before the steel wheels of a commuter train start to look like an appealing option.

We can only hope that their cohorts follow suit.

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*They usually go something like this: Hey! Great blog. I totally agree with what you say! Buy cheap Spamadol here!!!

I mean, HOW IS THIS SUPPOSED TO WORK??? Do these nitwits think that my mental process will go: Hey! That guy really likes my blog. Fabtastic! I better go and buy some of his cheap Spamadol quick smart!!

WTF? I am totally afraid that these people actually ARE as stupid as they appear. And further, that they think everyone else is too. And further to that, that in some cases they’re right.

The Horror.

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Coroner Blames Lack of Sleep and Worm-Heavy Diet.

… what about a thousand pictures?

There’s a quirky, if ultimately completely useless* tool here that allows you to upload any image and have it reconstituted as a mosaic of other pictures (all sucked out of the flickr database).

Click the image of The Reverend for the full size mosaic.

Have fun!

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*I have to admit though that the geeky side of me has great admiration for people who can figure out how to make something as clever as this…

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Observed on a commuter train this morning:

A girl with streaked crimson hair is sitting next to a girl listening to music on an iPod…

Girl with crimson hair: Hey Inez, you know those guys at work who are on floor 3, well they were at that party the other night and they said they know Wayne and Kim and they are going to go to the club on Thursday so we should go with.

Girl with iPod earbuds firmly in place: What?

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My leafy, tree-lined street is a lovely quiet alcove in the busy inner-city suburb where I live. I remember that, once-upon-a-time, on sleepy mornings, after autumn had shaken a myriad golden leaves from the figs that shade the road, I would sometimes wake to happy tuneful whistling and the swish swish swish of a broom, as my local council cleanup crew swept the leaves up into tidy piles to be scooped into hessian bags for removal. Ah, how peaceful, how efficient, how pleasant on the ears.

That was of course before the introduction of the most heinous contraption ever inflicted on civilization: The Leaf Blower.*

Now Mr Cheerful Whistling Sweeper has been replaced by Mr Evil Scowling Fat Bastard† Noisemaker who tippy-toes down the street, carefully and silently navigating around any crackly dry leaves or brittle twigs that might give advance warning of his approach, to arrive outside my window at 6.59am. There he stands, savouring the oily fumes of his machine, counting to himself the seconds left to the end of the pillowy morning peace. Right on the stroke of 7 he fires his infernal machine into life…

Rrrrzrzrrzrzrrzrrrrzrrgggeeeeererrrzzrzrrzr

Is it possible to imagine a more despicable piece of useless crap than the leaf blower? It is noisy, it uses fossil fuel, makes pollution and it is available to the general public without even the minimal academic requirement of a coupon from a Cornflakes box. And it serves no useful purpose other than to be a substitute for something that is at least as effective, is cheaper, clean, makes an agreeable sound and has stood the test of thousands of years.

I believe that the essence of all evil in the world can be seen distilled in this one abominable invention. That’s what happens when you go against the natural laws of physics and create a device that simultaneously blows and sucks.

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*Although it’s a close contest with the loathsome Jet Ski.

†In my experience, the leaf blower is invariably wielded by someone who looks like they’d get a lot more benefit out of using a broom.

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Hey! This just flashed up on my screen! What the…?!*
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*Actually I know exactly what’s going on, but it was weird for a split second…

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