Tetherd Cow Ahead

Ever get that creepy kinda feeling that you’re being watched?

Spam Observations #34

Hi, Dear!

(Talk about familiar).

em….. I gotta tell you something. Some years ago I used to watch porno often.

Whoa! Straight into the nitty gritty there bro! Not even a polite ‘How’s the weather?’ I sincerely hope you don’t take the same approach in the boudoir…

I always admired those guys cumming. They splashed out so much sperm on their girls, it looked so cool, so manlike.

Oh, OK. Scratch that last thought. I can see that you’re not the kind of guy that overly concerns himself with foreplay.

Now I have a girlfriend.. but quantity of my sperm was so scanty, that I felt ill at ease.

Well, the thing to marvel at here of course is that you found a girlfriend at all if your main object in sex is to climb aboard for a quick horizontal tango and then drench her with a couple of gallons of sperm.

I was advised to eat green apples but even this didn’t help.

O-k-a-y… and the fact that you’re dumb enough to fall for that particular claptrap makes me want to read on exactly… why…?

A month ago I was hanging around at the bar with my best friend. And he said that I should try WONDERCUM.

Did he do it the same way you just did? Like, he just moseyed up and said “Hey Norwood – nice tie – you should try WONDERCUM!” without any preamble or context? Is that how conversation goes with spammers?

Well, – I thought, – sounds interesting.

It went more like this for me: “Well, – I thought, – if I ever find you Norwood, you piece of walking excrement, I’m going to kill you with my bare hands”.

Next day I came to know that it was really a highly effective all-natural dietary supplement, which not only increases the sperm volume but also improves the sperm quality and the mobility of spermatozoa.

Yeah, because we all know that the topmost thing on porn stars’ minds is sperm mobility.

Having ordered and tried I was shocked how cool it was.

Is ‘shocked’ really the word you’re looking for here fella? Or maybe WONDERCUM is supplied refrigerated? I guess that would be shocking, especially if it’s applied topically.

I’d even say, it changed my life. I’m happy.

Oh wait… it’s a sperm enhancer and anti-depressant? There’s a first.

I even became a better lover, knowing how it all would end.

That’s very deep. Do you mean that this product has given you an existential grasp of meaning and relevance, and some kind of insight into the fate of all things?

By the way, read about WONDERCUM at this site: http://www.spurmspam.net

I think I’ve read pretty much all I nead to read about WONDERCUM, Norwood old chap. Thanks for getting in touch. Now, go mop up the bedroom and don’t bother me again.

(Notice that Norwood doesn’t ever claim that the volume or quality of his sperm was in fact increased at all. He says it was ‘cool’, it ‘changed his life’, that he ‘came to know’ that WONDERCUM ‘improves sperm quality’. What – is he afraid of getting sued for misrepresenting the product or something? That must constitute a first among spammers.)
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Don’t forget the ‘Insincerity‘ launch – October 31st!

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For reasons that I’m not at liberty to divulge, I found myself this week being issued security clearance for access to one of the off-limits-to-mere-mortals areas of Sydney Airport.

This is what my pass said:

How do they know? Or more worryingly, did they do something to me so that they would be certain? Jeez. I prolly need to up my dose of SPUR-M for a while.

(And imagine this if you will – I’m walking along the concourse and two women look at me and cluck with sympathy. Damn. I may as well have a badge that says ‘Impotent’. I wanted to say “I’m not, I’m not, I swear!” but I know what they’re going to think: “You’ve got an official badge that says it, chum. You can say what you want but we know what we’re going to tell everyone on the plane…”)

Spam Observations #33

Now I’m being bothered by cheap lesbians.

From: vickie@tedious_spam.com
Subject: Hey Brittany Check Out This Watch

I just got my wife a Bvlgari watch and she really loves it. I can’t afford to spend $30 000 on a watch for her, though I would love to; but this did the trick. It looks exactly like the real thing and she’s actually glad I didn’t spend $30 000 on a watch but saved $29 750 instead. This turned out perfect guys, thanks for providing such a great product, with such great prices.

– Melanie

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Don’t forget the ‘Insincerity‘ launch – October 31st!

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It doesn’t matter how much weird shit you stumble across on the net, there’s always something that can freak you out more than the last thing.

At this site you will see some of the ookiest women imaginable (and the occasional man).

These people have all decided, for reasons that remain obscure, to grow their fingernails unnaturally long. I want you to visit the site, get entirely weirded out, then return here and consider the following concepts:

•Putting on a shirt

•Wiping your bum

•Masturbating

•Opening the fridge

•Brushing your teeth

•Using a phone

•Sleeping