Tetherd Cow Ahead

Usually, whenever I hear someone mangle the English language I just want to scream. Now, however, my ears are on high alert for daft language mash-ups, because I have a new mission in life: to get an original entry in The Eggcorn Database.

An eggcorn is one of those words or phrases that has come into existence because someone doesn’t know or understand the actual thing they intend to say. For example:

→ This rain all goes well for next year’s crop… (augurs well)

→ My fridge gave up the goat… (gave up the ghost)

→ The ancient manuscript was written entirely in sandscript… (Sanskrit)

→ She had big pus jewels on her face… (pustules)

… and so forth. These ones I’ve heard myself (The ‘sandscript’ one surfaced in a tv documentary that should have known better – I laughed about it for hours), but the Eggcorn Database contains many that I’ve never encountered. It’s hilarious reading.

An eggcorn must be more than just an ordinary linguistic mistake. There has to be some kind of logic in the error that illuminates the circumstances under which it came about. It’s kinda easy to see why old documents from dusty Middle Eastern countries would be written in ‘sandscript’, right?

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Thanks to xkcd for making my day.*

(Remember to vote for me in the Philosophy Blog War!)

UPDATE (September 4): boingboing only picked this up today, 5 days later than I spotted it. w00t!! I love being ahead of the zeitgeist!

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*If you don’t understand, don’t lose any sleep over it – it just means you’re not a geek.

I’ve entered my post ‘Clipping an Angel’s Wings‘ in the Philosophy Blog War hosted by notbean. Please visit and vote for me so I can get a cool icon to paste on my page and impress my friends! Oh wait… that’s you guys. That’s never gonna work. D’oh!

Blog: Good condition, slight scuffing on under-edge, wobbly back leg. One owner. Original packaging & assembly instructions. Prefer cash sale in unmarked bills.

Most people I know agree that there is a big difference between the taste of free-range chicken and battery chicken. And those that are in the know say that human flesh tastes like chicken. Aha! But which kind of chicken is that?

I’m not tucking in until I know for sure.

The Battle of the Magic Waters

SCENE 1: Int. fancy modern office. Day.

DAVID COPPERFIELD, famed stage magician, is talking to his agent on the phone.

DAVID (angry):

Whaddya mean Madonna’s got magic water? She’s a pop star for crying out loud! What does she know about magic?

(Offscreen sound of agent through phone filter)

DAVID (steam coming out ears):

Oh yeah, is that so? Well I’ll show her!

SCENE 2: Ext. The Copperfield helipad, Bahamas. Day.

DAVID climbs from his chopper and strides purposefully to his waiting limo.

DAVID (under his breath):

Does she have any idea who she’s dealing with?

SCENE 3: Copperfield Private Island in the Exuma Chain. Day.

DAVID is dropping DEAD LEAVES into a fountain. His beautiful assistant LOURDES sits nearby.

DAVID:

Do you see that? Do you see? The dead leaves are ALIVE again! ALIVE, do you hear me! The water from the fountain is RESTORING THEM TO LIFE. I have discovered THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH here on this private island that I bought for $50 million dollars. What an astounding coincidence that I, DAVID COPPERFIELD, World Famous Illusionist, should be the one to find the SECRET OF ETERNAL LIFE! It’s truly amazing that no peasant farmer has stumbled across this MIRACULOUS FOUNTAIN!

LOURDES (smiling adoringly at DAVID):

David, do that thing with the handkerchiefs again. I love it when you do that.

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Sigh. Yes it’s true. David Copperfield thinks he’s discovered the Fountain of Youth on his private Island in the Bahamas. I swear, I could sit here for a week and never come up with stuff as bizarre as this. What happens with these people? They make untold wealth and then their brains just fall out? Or maybe I’m being generous in attributing brains to them in the first place.

My thanks to Fighting For Science where I discovered this new worrying example of a world gone mad. Go visit them and tell them The Cow sent you.